(no subject)
Only a few more hours of my shift, and I'll be done for the week.
Mustnotfallasleepatwork.
I am so tired. I got almost 6.5 hours of non-consecutive sleep, and that doesn't cut it with this job. It is a never ending battle against melatonin, and by the end of the week, I feel the pain of it. That and not getting much time with my family is probably what I dislike about working night shift.
I started out tonight feeling terribly down about that one thing that still plagues me. I think from now on, I will refer to it as The Ghost because there is only one. After all of these years, I still feel so broken because of it. On one side, faith kept me moving and on the other, slapped me hard in the face. I still feel ill every time I see her, even in pictures. I can't look at her without seeing her the context in which she attempted to assassinate the very core of my being. And I still hold onto some of my resent for him, despite him having told me and over again that he should have listened to me and that none of those things were my fault. I don't like that I let myself feel that way, but my mind can't seem to let go of the idea that my soulmate could so directly hurt me and then hide it away from me as if it was his burden, and his burden only, to bear.
I guess I'm just too idealistic when it comes to matters of love. I have come so accustomed to being let down in my life generally, and each jab feels like a million.
I have definitely suffered for everything that I've gained.
And it isn't that anything is wrong because there isn't in my love life at all. I just find myself falling into triggering thinking or those nightmares that throw me back into mourning things that I lost. It isn't that I haven't acknowledged every little thing that I have or that I was successful or that justice was served in the end. I just don't know how on Earth I can make it "right." Six and a half years since the death, two years after I was set to die another death for the mistakes of others. Looking at the numbers makes me sad, but my perception completely shifted and that takes so much time. More time than most people are willing to understand. I think he does now.
I am so thankful to have him in my life and for every moment we've shared. I love the way he loves me, and I know that no one can ever love him the way that I do.
I just want this one thing to slip away. I was over it once, but that was based on lies. That fact alone makes this task all the more daunting.
I near the end of this shift a little less weathered emotionally. I just...punish myself. For nothing.
Other things:
-- Photoshoot on Sunday. Expect things you haven't seen from me.
-- Talking to the lady friend is going really well. I've spent much of the last two days in conversation at all hours of the day. This could be a good thing.
-- Elaine and I are doing our version of a fruits and veggies fast for three days starting Sunday! This should boost my efforts to lose weight by college homecoming.
Mustnotfallasleepatwork.
I am so tired. I got almost 6.5 hours of non-consecutive sleep, and that doesn't cut it with this job. It is a never ending battle against melatonin, and by the end of the week, I feel the pain of it. That and not getting much time with my family is probably what I dislike about working night shift.
I started out tonight feeling terribly down about that one thing that still plagues me. I think from now on, I will refer to it as The Ghost because there is only one. After all of these years, I still feel so broken because of it. On one side, faith kept me moving and on the other, slapped me hard in the face. I still feel ill every time I see her, even in pictures. I can't look at her without seeing her the context in which she attempted to assassinate the very core of my being. And I still hold onto some of my resent for him, despite him having told me and over again that he should have listened to me and that none of those things were my fault. I don't like that I let myself feel that way, but my mind can't seem to let go of the idea that my soulmate could so directly hurt me and then hide it away from me as if it was his burden, and his burden only, to bear.
I guess I'm just too idealistic when it comes to matters of love. I have come so accustomed to being let down in my life generally, and each jab feels like a million.
I have definitely suffered for everything that I've gained.
And it isn't that anything is wrong because there isn't in my love life at all. I just find myself falling into triggering thinking or those nightmares that throw me back into mourning things that I lost. It isn't that I haven't acknowledged every little thing that I have or that I was successful or that justice was served in the end. I just don't know how on Earth I can make it "right." Six and a half years since the death, two years after I was set to die another death for the mistakes of others. Looking at the numbers makes me sad, but my perception completely shifted and that takes so much time. More time than most people are willing to understand. I think he does now.
I am so thankful to have him in my life and for every moment we've shared. I love the way he loves me, and I know that no one can ever love him the way that I do.
I just want this one thing to slip away. I was over it once, but that was based on lies. That fact alone makes this task all the more daunting.
I near the end of this shift a little less weathered emotionally. I just...punish myself. For nothing.
Other things:
-- Photoshoot on Sunday. Expect things you haven't seen from me.
-- Talking to the lady friend is going really well. I've spent much of the last two days in conversation at all hours of the day. This could be a good thing.
-- Elaine and I are doing our version of a fruits and veggies fast for three days starting Sunday! This should boost my efforts to lose weight by college homecoming.