0403 -- Thoughts on Sexuality.
I met a girl the other night who called herself a lesbian. During the first couple hours of her being around me, she called herself a lesbian several times without being prompted. Later, she looks at me and says, “I’m a lesbian, but I fuck boys. Is that weird?” I told her “no,” but what I was really thinking is that alone makes her not a lesbian.
The next night we were hanging out, she mentioned it again with more than just me in earshot. She went on to explain that she likes sleeping with men, but only dates girls. Only this time, TJ and I both told her that that makes her bisexual, not a lesbian, because whether or not she is emotionally attracted to men, she is sexually attractive/active with men.
She’s not the first person I’ve met who did this. I had a friend in college who told everyone she was “gay.” She scoffed at me for being openly bisexual. She even told a friend of hers while we were at a lesbian bar that I was just experimenting (mind you, I’d already been with a couple women at this point, including one semi-long-term relationship). She would tell everyone she was gay. She told me that she used to be engaged, to a guy, who couldn’t accept that she’s gay. What? This same girl goes on to fuck men I know. Eventually, she gets pregnant and married to a man.
She would have rather betray everyone she knows with dishonesty than to admit that she is bisexual. She told my friend, who was interested in her roommate, that her roommate is “gay” and not to bother. I talked to her roommate, and she told me that she never claimed to be “gay” and that she’s most definitely bisexual. So, she’d also rather label other bisexuals as lesbians than to accept that we are a legitimate sexual orientation. She liked the lesbian scene so much she lied to most of her friends about who she really was.
I’ve met people on the opposite side of this spectrum. I was my ex-girlfriend’s first woman. We were together for four months, and we were heavily sexually active during the first three. At one point during our relationship, she tried to tell me that she is not bisexual, only that I was an exception to her straightness. She thought that only liking me made her not bisexual. Straight girls don’t regularly sleep with other women, let alone forge serious relationships with them. Undoubtedly, she obtained this mentality from the person she cheated on me with. He is also bisexual, but claims the same sort of things. “Sexuality is fluid, blahblahblah, but I sleep with men and women.” My first girlfriend also claimed straightness. For her though, being bisexual was a way of obtaining what she wanted from other people. She used it as a weapon that she now hides away from the rest of the world.
One of my best friend’s had a serious boyfriend for two years. After they broke up, the ex told everyone he is straight. He’d just spent the last two years of his life enjoying living, dating and sleeping with a man.
While it is true that some gay people will play pretend straightness to fit some cultural expectation, why do all of these bi people claim to be straight or gay as if there is nothing existing in the middle? I realize that bisexuality has a stigma, but it really shouldn’t. Yes, some people use public acts of affection with the same sex as a way of garnering attention from the opposite sex, but those people are not the same as me or any of the other respectable bisexuals in existence. I came to terms with my sexuality over a decade ago, before it was becoming “trendy.” Really, I can trace my interest in both sexes back to childhood. I tried to repress it. I thought something was wrong with me. But as I got older I learned that, there is nothing more rewarding than being proud of who you are.
I hope that these people will learn to do the same, and that both sides of the fence come to accept that bisexuality does, in fact, exist and we’re not going anywhere.
The next night we were hanging out, she mentioned it again with more than just me in earshot. She went on to explain that she likes sleeping with men, but only dates girls. Only this time, TJ and I both told her that that makes her bisexual, not a lesbian, because whether or not she is emotionally attracted to men, she is sexually attractive/active with men.
She’s not the first person I’ve met who did this. I had a friend in college who told everyone she was “gay.” She scoffed at me for being openly bisexual. She even told a friend of hers while we were at a lesbian bar that I was just experimenting (mind you, I’d already been with a couple women at this point, including one semi-long-term relationship). She would tell everyone she was gay. She told me that she used to be engaged, to a guy, who couldn’t accept that she’s gay. What? This same girl goes on to fuck men I know. Eventually, she gets pregnant and married to a man.
She would have rather betray everyone she knows with dishonesty than to admit that she is bisexual. She told my friend, who was interested in her roommate, that her roommate is “gay” and not to bother. I talked to her roommate, and she told me that she never claimed to be “gay” and that she’s most definitely bisexual. So, she’d also rather label other bisexuals as lesbians than to accept that we are a legitimate sexual orientation. She liked the lesbian scene so much she lied to most of her friends about who she really was.
I’ve met people on the opposite side of this spectrum. I was my ex-girlfriend’s first woman. We were together for four months, and we were heavily sexually active during the first three. At one point during our relationship, she tried to tell me that she is not bisexual, only that I was an exception to her straightness. She thought that only liking me made her not bisexual. Straight girls don’t regularly sleep with other women, let alone forge serious relationships with them. Undoubtedly, she obtained this mentality from the person she cheated on me with. He is also bisexual, but claims the same sort of things. “Sexuality is fluid, blahblahblah, but I sleep with men and women.” My first girlfriend also claimed straightness. For her though, being bisexual was a way of obtaining what she wanted from other people. She used it as a weapon that she now hides away from the rest of the world.
One of my best friend’s had a serious boyfriend for two years. After they broke up, the ex told everyone he is straight. He’d just spent the last two years of his life enjoying living, dating and sleeping with a man.
While it is true that some gay people will play pretend straightness to fit some cultural expectation, why do all of these bi people claim to be straight or gay as if there is nothing existing in the middle? I realize that bisexuality has a stigma, but it really shouldn’t. Yes, some people use public acts of affection with the same sex as a way of garnering attention from the opposite sex, but those people are not the same as me or any of the other respectable bisexuals in existence. I came to terms with my sexuality over a decade ago, before it was becoming “trendy.” Really, I can trace my interest in both sexes back to childhood. I tried to repress it. I thought something was wrong with me. But as I got older I learned that, there is nothing more rewarding than being proud of who you are.
I hope that these people will learn to do the same, and that both sides of the fence come to accept that bisexuality does, in fact, exist and we’re not going anywhere.