Into each life some rain must fall. 8/29/2002
I have had a fuzzy day of not feeling well, and just got up off of the couch. I don't know if it is the weather or what, but I just feel 'shitty'. I feel tired and weak. I don't want to do anything and don't have the energy to even try to do so.
I started to do an entry this afternoon but couldn't keep my eyes open, so I went and laid on the couch. Molly is trying to earn some extra money, so I told her that I would pay her to baby-sit today. She has done very well, as I would expect from her. She loves the babies to death and love to snuggle with them as much as possible.
Trying not to get back down on the couch I decided I would come down here and try to write an entry. I have a feeling that I will end up on the couch again tonight and may not get back up once the kids are all snuggled in their beds.
I also did not sleep well last night, even with the Trazodone and the Klonopin as my bedtime snack. I am one of those person that dwells on things that happen during the day, and last night was no exception to that rule.
I had inadvertently hurt a friend and to me, that is inexcusable. I might has well have committed a mortal sin. In my life, friends are more dear to me than those that share my bloodline and are stamped with the word 'family' at birth. Friends to me are the dearest thing that I have in my life, with the exception of my children. To hurt one, even without meaning to causes me to feel so terrible that I dwell on it for a long time. I cried most of the night and even into the morning.
I have seen those that like to hurt a friend when they feel overly viscous, but I am not that way at all. To do so for me is sacrilegious. Even when that fuckhead that I trusted this year to be my new friend turned on me, I never once said half of the things I could have said to hurt her. I could have had a field day with her self-pity and her needs to look 'good' in front of her bar buddies, but I didn't. I swallowed my pride and apologized, even knowing that I wasn't wrong for what I did. She had played me perfectly and I fell for it. I apologized to her, but I was really apologizing to myself for allowing me to trust a 'local' person once again by opening up my life.
So, when I hurt someone when I don't mean to it cuts me to the bone. We are okay now and both of us are sensitive anyway, but I still feel very badly. I just hope she really does forgive me for not realizing my timing was off for trying to joke when a joke was not wanted. I feel like such a jerk.
Speaking of 'local' friends, I have a habit of doing this 'test of time' with them. I will stop calling them to see how long it is before they call me. There are times when I feel as though the only time I hear from them is when I pick up the phone. I then wait to see how long it takes for THEM to do the same.
In my friend of the longest time, Elaine it took over a month. Considering that we live only minute away from each other, and that she only has one child I get upset that her life is 'too busy' to pick up a phone. Especially when I can do so once a week, and I have 5 children, no husband to speak of and 1 child that is severely autistic.
As you can tell, I don't take the story of 'being busy' too well as an excuse. It must be the ONLY CHILD in me that makes me feel this way. I don't know, since my psychological analysis of myself is usually way off from what professionals have seen in me.
I then heard from my friend that is also my business partner. It took her 3 weeks to call. I was starting to feel that we were only friends through career and not truly friends. When she called for 'chit chat' I realized I was wrong on that.
Then I got jealous. I hate when I feel that way, but I feel jealous a lot lately of what 'normal' people have and I don't. She had some work, and I had none. I felt a twinge of anger that she didn't share it, even though I know very well that she can't. It is only 20 hours a week and for her to share that would be ridiculous. However, my own needs sometimes come before my logical thinking process and I felt bitter when she told me the news.
I get jealous that my local friends have their parents, including my friend that is in her late 50's and still goes to see her Mother twice a year in No. Carolina. All of my friends have their parents still alive, and all of them have many siblings. I get jealous over those, and then the neighbors that have loving marriages that I don't have.
I am one fucked up weirdo. I admit it. But, to claim otherwise would be useless. I must always be honest. ;)
I had the child from hell here this afternoon. He is definitely AHDD or however you say those letters, but has those parents that are in denial. You know, the 'not my kid' syndrome? He can't sit still, causes things to break, hits others and just runs all over the place. He also does not listen to any sort of discipline, and will ignore me whenever I say NO. Therefore, I allow him in the house not very often and when I do I have to sit right there to ensure he goes no further than one room.
Thankfully his Mother came to get him in less than 15 minutes. He had snuck out of the house and she had no idea where he was. I can't blame her for that one, since Ryan has done the same. Thus, the family room that USED to be in the basement is now upstairs. Ryan would open the door down here and sneak out through the yard.
I guess I should go do my dishes and try to LOOK like I have energy. I have a feeling today will be a multiple entry day. My mind is circling like a plane with no landing gear.
Until then, housework is beckoning from above!
