8/23/2002
I am having a bit of an anxiety problem so I needed to write. It is a lonely feeling tonight. I am just feeling very alone. It is very quiet here. The rain has fizzled out, and the lake has gone to sleep. When I look out off of my deck, all you see is total darkness. It seems so lonely tonight as well. There are times when I feel the lake and I are one.
I also worry about being misunderstood by friends, which is how I feel about all of the noters that come to my diary. Please know that I am not paranoid here. I feel very much at home, and very comfortable. I feel as though I am amongst those that understand and can help me. I have been helped so much this far, and I am already planning on renewing for another 6 months.
There is a history that is from a long time ago that brings on the AIM and Email paranoia. It has nothing to do with OD. What I have seen in diaries elsewhere, however reminds me of the days when others would do the same thing, only changing the words around to start their own little drama's.
I don't want to go back there. I have gone so much further since those days of deceit and hurtful communications. I have worked up enough trust to come here and talk about my life, not afraid of judgment or being rejected.
Taylor had a severe "Autistic" day today, which is probably why I am so wound up and ready to sterilize my floors after this entry. Nothing satisfies her when she goes through this. Colin suffers also, because she seems to want him to do something for her and won't leave him alone. No one knows what to do for her, so it is just trial and error until she tires and goes to sleep.
I did give her some re-group time in her room for a while. It worked for about 45 minute, but she was back down with us, creating havoc throughout the house. Think of the sounds of a Banshee that is having her hair torn out while she wails. That is only half of how I would describe what it is like to live through an "Autistic" day.
Finally, Molly and I tried a bath, but even that didn't work. I would have taken her out for a walk, but it was raining too hard to do so. I can't bring her out to McDonald's or some other place with hopeful diversion. It only makes her worse.
You just have to sit here and go with the flow I guess.
I am hoping that tomorrow is one of her better days. I am grateful that these days are few and far between. We are seeing the Autism/PDD specialists at Children's Hospital in Boston, sometime in November. All they do is work with behavioral and developmental issues that are associated with Autism. It took me a bit over a year to get an appointment, for it is an all-day event. However, the wait will be worth it because parents from around the world seek their services and they are the best in their field.
It is days like today that November feels so very far away.
(Molly thought these monkeys below were cute. I thought they looked a lot like I had felt at the time).
Thanks to all that have signed and listened. It means so much to me.
