Mono-Sodium Glutamate...
I had another motive in going out last night as well. With all that I am hearing about the war being discussed in classes, which include personal opinions by the teachers I wanted to ensure this was not going on in Molly's classes as well.'>
We ordered our food and talked about school friends a bit. She told me who she had eaten lunch with, who was going where this weekend, etc. I edged into classroom discussion, asking what they were discussing in her classes.
She told me that, every morning they have 'NEWS TIME' in Social Studies. I asked her what she saw on the television--did they see bombing? She said, yes. Did they see protests? She said, yes. Did she see and hear about deaths of servicemen? She said, no.
I don't know how I feel about the news being discussed in this way, with her only being in 5th grade. Part of me says that, I think it should be, as long as they are careful to screen what is seen. Part of me says, no. It should be discussed in the home first.
Well, it is discussed in the home. Moreover, it is a part of American history now. I am torn on how I feel but I think the school is doing it in a respectful way.
Molly brought up Columbine. They had discussed it happening 3 years ago. She told me what she was taught, about how sad the boy was that did it. I asked her how she felt and she said that, it scared her.
We then discussed how important it is to talk to each other. I told her that, his parents didn't know he was so upset. He had never discussed his feelings with them. I told her that, had he done that--had someone, even a teacher known he was so depressed and had feelings about hurting others, maybe--just maybe he could have been helped.
We talked about guns, and how she must tell me if one of her friends has them in their home. We talked about drugs as well, and alcohol.
She brought out Saddam Hussein and asked me why he hurt his own people. She didn't understand why anyone would do that. I explained how I felt; emphasizing it was just my opinion. I told her that, I believe every country should be free like ours, and some leaders don't want it. They like to have control. We talked about how others felt about the war, and how they had the right for protests because, men and women fought for that right of freedom--Iraq could not protest like that.
I asked her how she felt about the war, and if it scared her. She said no because, she didn't understand it.
I told her that, I don't really understand war either.
Molly knows I am extremely patriotic. We have a large flag hanging outside, and a small flag in every window box. I have a flag on my car, and bumper stickers saying, UNITED WE STAND.
She also know show I feel about those that don't respect the flag. She brought up that she had seen people shooting holes in the stars of the flag. I told her that, I felt that was very wrong but, because we have that freedom in this country they are allowed to do so. If it wasn't for the ones fighting for our freedom, the person shooting would have been punished severely for doing that elsewhere.
It was a nice discussion. I am so afraid that, the teachers are going to end up giving their opinions that, I wanted her to hear mine as well. I told her that, everyone had their own right to their opinion but, no one had the right to tell her how to feel.
Molly really enjoyed this time with me, as she usually does. I hope that we can continue this open bond between us and, she never feels that she can't come to me about anything.
I had a terrible night last night. I almost called my online friend because, I was pretty sure I was having a PTSD attack. I lost some time--I 'woke up' after being in a state of remembering for quite a while. I then got scared. I kept hearing things and seeing things from my past--those horrible things that haunt me. I ended up taking a stronger dose of Clonopin, just so I could calm down enough to sleep.
My brain was going from event to event--my dead mother in a chair to her holding my dead son. For some reason, my brain was putting these two separate incidents together. It was driving me insane--if I am not there already.
The television was on and I realized that, the news of war was not helping me. I tried flicking through the stations but couldn't stay focused enough on anything that was on. Finally, I took a deep breath and shut the TV off.
Sometimes, the silence in the house causes me to have another attack. Since Conner died, I have not slept without a television going--the night they told me he had died, I sat in silence throughout the night. Since that time, I can't handle the silence in my own house. It reminds me, brings me back and I relive the whole thing.
I might get to all of this with my counselor, if I can ever get past all of my childhood. She is fascinated about my mother, how she was (my mother was violent with her temper and extremely immature as well), and how my grandmother would sit, sometimes for hours at a time, just crying over no reason.
I would like to get up to the real issues of 'yesterday', when I found my mother dead, and then, 10 months later birthed a dead child.
I guess she thinks it all connects. Personally, I don't want it all to connect. I just want to forget those days ever existed and talk about the ones I live with every day.
One thing interested her while I was in her office. She had one of those 'noise machines' that is 'supposed to' keep you calm. I don't know what the sound was meant to sound like. To me, it sounded like a Doppler going over an abdomen, trying to find the heartbeat of a baby.
I asked her to shut it off. I was starting to get very nervous. I really felt like I was going to throw up.
While I was in the office, trying to discuss all of this, her phone rang. She was on emergency call. Someone was calling, talking about suicide. She had to make me leave her office and sit out in the waiting room while she took the call.
I picked up a NEWSWEEK magazine, and read about the leader of No. Korea. Now, it isn't bad enough that, a Psych's office has a magazine, explaining how this guy is (in their words) insane. However, I am in there for PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I am reading the article about this guy and getting very nervous. The guy is a fruitcake! He believes he was birthed from a rainbow and clouds, on top of a mountain where strange-sounding birds were singing. He makes their schools teach this about him in the classrooms.
He said he will sell all of his weapons of 'REALLY MASS DESTRUCTION' to terrorists. He watches CNN every day, just to see what the US and the world are saying about him. He has plants for every type of death-machine all over the place.
Yes, that article was REAL calming for me to read as I waited to talk about my ANXIETY!!!!!
The kids are all home. It is cloudy and they are bitchy. Tom is bitchy too--they are interrupting his television shows. I am ignoring it, sipping my coffee in gulps.
I could just go out on a massive shopping spree right now--one of my bad habits when I am depressed and anxious at the same time. The check from the IRS has not cleared yet so, it must be the rules of the gods to prevent me from spending it right now.
Walmart would love me if I were to get there at this moment. I wouldn't care what it was--I would buy it!