So much for my happy ending. . . .
alright.. u know how in the beginning i said that i was gonna be open and pretty much jus let shit out.. well, this is bout that time.. i dont know where to start..
there are ppl in ur life that come and go.. relationships that start and end.. and situations that either u work out or jus deal with... i never thought that id go threw as much as i have in the past couple of yrs.. i lost my 2 best frnds, jenna and janina, dun know why.. we kinda jus lost touch and stuff, but i miss them sooo much.. i love those grls to death, we like like smores.. the chocolate.. the cracker and the marshmellow..but lately weve been talking a lil more and more.. i miss them a bunch and i want them back.. so im gonna try and get that frndship with them back, no matter what
relationship wise.. goddamn.. where do i start.. i have lost to 2 ppl in my life that i have loved so much..
A couple years ago Stephen Price died in a car accident.. I had the biggest crush on him for that loooongest time, ever sense we went to middle school together..of course he was older and older guys didnt go out with younger grls at our school, but he told me that he liked me ever sense.. then we got to high school and he had a gf named amanda.. i never liked her, and of course it was becuz she was his gf..BUT, even tho he had her, one night online he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me.. and knowing me, at the time, i was so shy and never let anything out.. so i never said anything..sense that day we kinda drifted away and would talk once in a while.. and then it happened.. it was the night b4 his accident.. i was talking to him online and i mentioned that i needed a ride to school cuz i thought ian, same guy from previous entry, was driving.. but it turned out that amanda was driving and so i told him nevermind and that i would find a way some how else.. anyhow.. ian was suppose to go with them too but he got his car back... that morning came and i was in english class with krys talking to her, and then the annoucements came on.." Students if we can have your attention, this morning a student of ours, Stephen Price died in a car accident " i couldnt believe what i had jus heard.. so many things went threw my head... did i really jus hear that??.. was it the same stephen?. my stephen?..are they sure??.. i was in such denial.... i ran down that hallway crying, jus balling... i couldnt believe it... the person that i have loved who loved me too.. i never got a chance to tell him.. i never got to do so much that i wanted to.. i jus never did... i sat there in the library with jenna and janina comforting me..black tears ran from my eyes and dripped on the floor.. i couldnt breathe.. after that i didnt eat for weeks.. i cried everyday... i lost so much weight... i couldnt handle it..my world jus turned so dark.. stephen was never comming back.. i still cry every now and then and honestly... i still dont believe that hes gone, to me, hes still here, we just lost touch...
the next person that i have loved so much that i ended up loosing is my ex Oliver...he and i dated for 2 years off and on.. it was like a circle with that kid... well one Feb. 3, 2003, he finally asked me.. to be honest, i didnt think it would last long becuz he and i didnt have a stabble dating background.. but it did.. it lasted for a yr and month later.. i guess it doesnt seem that long, but it was.. i loved him way b4 i ever told him that i did.. i remember it too.. the night i told him... we had jus got done talking and i text him cuz i was pissed.. and i ended up telling me.. " goddamn oliver, if ur makin me tell u, fine.. i fucking love you" lol sounds a lil funny to me.. but it was worth it.. some night after that... we had jus got back from being out and i was saying something stupid like normal and he jus looked at me and said " I Love You Crystal".. i paused.. i was so astonished.. like.. WOW.. i cant describe it to u.. but i was soo happy..that night was May 10th.. after that u have ur arguements.. fights..love.. kisses.. huggs in between.. but the one night that ill never 4get is the night of our 1 year..getting dressed for it.. i was so nervous.. i was literally shaking.. my heart was going so fast.. we went to Lakeola... there he took me on a Gondolea ride.. it was sooo beautiful.. it was dark, the sky was kinda clear.. and the moon laid on the water.. we had shrimp and jus held eachother talking...a lil bit later.. it tooks up over to the park area.... there on the floor were rose peddles leading to a blanket and roses on the floors and candles with chocolate covered strawberries....god i wanna tell u how i felt that night but i cant lol.. we sat there trying to light the candles but it was windy.. o well.. didnt matter to me.. it was still special.. and then...we went to give me a strawberry and there.. sitting on it was a ring.. i cried.. i was speachless... he put the ring on my finger and my heart was soo filled.. i was the happiest that i have ever been, this was the person i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, i knew it.. and the way i knew it was becuz he was the only one... after stephen i had lost allll hope, but oliver changed that.. he brought that love back that i thought i had lost.. that night was the one night of my life that ill never 4get.. but of course.. will every good thing, there had to be a awful ending.. a month or so later, he had to leave to washington... b4 that, we had a bad week, didnt get along and jus argued.. but every couple argues!!!!.. that week i missed my baby soooo much, i slept with Mr.Teddy everynight, the bear he got me for our first valentines... he called me the night b4 he got back...Friday he gets back and i went with his brother andrew to go pick him up... i was nervous for some reason idk why.. then he came walking up and i was wanted to drop my stuff and run to him.... but something was different.. he wasnt happy.. he wasnt the same ol'.. when we got back to his house talked of his trip and felt sick and kinda tired to he took a nap on the couch.. i sat there with him.. at one point i looked down n whispered.. "ive missed you so much"... he looked up at me and said softly.. i missed you too.. i kissed his forhead..at one point he went into his room and i followed.. he was looking at his phone and when i walked in he had said something.. i wanted to run to him.. i wanted to hold him.. i wanted to kiss him and tell him i love you..but i didnt...i jus walked away cuz he wasnt being the same with me..he went back to the couch i wanted to be sweet and nice.. so i got up and went to fix his bed so he can go to sleep.... he was sick and i felt bad... well.. he didnt pay attention to me and i got depressed,it got to the time that i need to leave and i asked andrew to take me home....the whole ride home i looked out the window.. crying.. i tried to keep quiet cuz i didnt want him to know.. but he did.. he asked me if i was ok.. and then i jus let it out.. ( god it hurts so much, im even tryin now thinking about it again ) well the next day he told me at work and i was crying again.. we made plans to go out that night one last time... omg.. idk.. getting dressed seemed to take me forever..my mind was blank.. i was crying the whole time.. and then i stopped... the door bell rand.. it was him.. i opened the door and acted normal.. walked into my room and cried.. .at one point i stopped again and walked out.. then i saw him sitting in my office, he was crying... but why??.. i still dont know
i tried to act normal the whole time, but lil things would bring back memories and i couldnt hold it... the ride home was awful.. sitting in front of my house, we talked.. i was crying, he was crying.. why was this happening?????,, why me??.. why us?.. why did things go wrong??.. why ?!?!..i have never showed anyone that book i have, but him.. half that fucking book is stuff i have written about him and about us..b4 i got out of the car.. he pulled me back to hug me.. and i had to push away.. i couldnt take it.. i went inside and watched as his car pulled away...the red lights were getting smaller and i stood there.."come back. come back!" but he didnt.. and i fell to the floor... i laid there for 45 mins crying, jus dieing on the floor... i dont remember how.. but i managed to get to my bed.. we still talk every now and then.. i refuse to call him or anything.. i cant do.it ..there are times when i hate him so much that i hope someday he knows how it feels..everything he has ever given me.. pictures..flowers.. clothes..i put it all away under my bed.. along with my ring..i dont where it on my neck anymore.. it hurts
NO ONE is ever going to love u and accept u the way i have
we broke up becuz he "wants to be 18" well u should have done that the night of ur birthday.. not wait months later... he told me he loves me.. he jus doesnt wanna be with me... does that make any sense?? how could there be sucha thing.. idk.. ive worn myself out with it.. i have cried and cried.. and ive tried over and tried with him.. i cant do it anymore.. it kills me when we talk.. so thats why im moving.. im moving to NY to get away..either in july when i get back, or during my senior year.. i dont wanna be here anymore.. i dont wanna deal, why should i ever bother, he doesnt care
Never Have I Hated Someone With Such Passion, That I Have Loved Once Before
fuck it.. forget it.. im done with trying