My Mind
There is a very good reason why people think I am so weird. I believe it's because my mind doesn't work like most people's minds do. I don't think of the same things, most people do. Sometimes people pick things up that I completely miss, it makes me appear scatterbrained sometimes, maybe even slow. And there are other things I pick up extremely easily which very few people can, this impresses and confuses people, how can I be so slow and so sharp at the same time? Most people don't really know the kind of life I've lived, people who know me know a few things, they may a couple of things about my childhood, or they may know about my loneliness, however I can only really remember telling one person everything. Even her I didn't give the details to, I told her every picture memory I have, but I didn't tell her the things i remember happening, but don't really remember. A lot of my memories occur in words, and these words simply describe something that happened, almost as if it's not even from my point of view. I remember the things which made my life so miserable up to age 16, I don't recall them in pictures or detail, but I remember, I think subconsiously I may remember them very vividly, because they used to creep up and bother me a lot, and I think they still do down inside somewhere. more common knowledge is my broken heart, which has been mended lately by the same girl who broke it, amazingly enough, it was easily mended, considering it was not broken by treachery or anything like that, it was broken by rejection, by falling too far in love with a girl who rejected me, and now that she has excepted me, the damage is repaired. However, the memories of the heartache still throb vividly in my mind, some of my most prominent memories.
It's really hard to understand why I love her so much, why I'm so attached to her. Imagine growing up with no one, you don't see your father often, he's kind of distant anyway, your mother and step father detest you, they call you names and talk about how much they hate you and how worthless you are. You are beaten by the filthy skum of a stepfather, sometimes your mother watches you and laughs. Your sisters are just as evil towards you, constantly accusing you of things you didn't do, and you are always held responsible for these things, even if you were sitting in your room the whole time. In school you are laughed at and made fun of, no one, literally no one, likes you or talks to you. You get pushed around, your things taken and passed between a group of people while you are taunted. You are very small, very weak, very afraid. You have no self confidence, no will to defend yourself. You grow up this way, for so many years with no one, absolutely no one. Death seems a welcome thing, very welcome in deed, but you can't kill yourself, it's wrong. And so you live, without wanting to live at all, with no one who really cares about you, no one to confide in, no one to love you or for you to love. Now things weren't as bad for me at age 16, I moved in with my dad, but by this time I was so distant that I didn't even accept people who wanted to get close to me, I pushed them all away, I remained alone, unable to trust anyone, unable to let anyone close to me. My father loved me, he wanted to show it, but I couldn't handle that emotion, I couldn't handle someone caring about me, and so I pushed him away so much that even today I'm not as close to him as I should be. And so, there was no one i cared about strongly at all, no one who's funeral i would cry at. Death still, at this age, seemed better than life, having had several family members die, and in the future even seeing a couple of people die, made death no less appealing.And so I came to join the army, at age 17, i got through basic and turned 18 while I was there, and went on to AIT. it is during this time that I met a girl. Immediately she stirred emotions in me that I had never felt before even in the most remote sense. I didn't just fall in love with her, she made me feel things that were so new. She made me happy, she made feel joy, she made me genuinely just want to laugh and feel good. You may think these emotions would be really great after such a life, but truth be told I couldn't handle them. having never felt anything like them before, these emotions nearly drove me insane, torturing me day and night. The fact that we didn't have anything more than a friendship was further torture, I wanted to be with her, I wanted to spend forever with her, I wanted to hear her say she loved me, or at least cared about me. And so my first truely good emotions fueled the bad emotions, making them stronger. After I left AIT I kept in touch with her, speaking to her for months before I told her how I feel about her. I met with rejection, I was so hurt, another emotion I wasn't ready for, I hadn't gone after a girl before, I hadn't met with rejection. I couldn't even handle happiness, how was i suppose to deal with something that horrible? It nearly shattered me. We continued like that for awhile, I met rejection many times, sometimes it seemed like she would almost give me a chance, but then I would get rejected again. And so my heart was dashed to pieces a million times. I tried to be with other girls, I couldn't, there was no way, they didn't give me the same feelings. years passed, I'm 22 now. Finally the girl I love so much has given me a chance. I'm not sure if I can handle the emotions, it's easier now, it gets easier and easier to handle them, to simply enjoy them. But still they are barely contained, I still sometimes want to do something, want to release my emotions somehow, I can't think of a way I could do this, but sometimes I envision myself exploding because I can't contain the happiness I feel with her. But other emotions, other new emotions come along with these good emotions. My position with her is in no way solid, I might lose her in an instant. And so I feel a fear so so deep, and I have never felt anything like that before either. Losing her terrifies me, feeling the pain of heartbreak again, terrifies me, it was so horrible last time, how could I face it now, that my emotions to her have grown even stronger? There are things far far worse than death you know. Courage, Honor, Valor, Righteousness, Integrity, Hope...what are these things without her? I valued these things above all else before, they kept me together, they kept me breathing, but now they seem as nothing, now, I don't know if they are enough to support me.
Things have been coming together for me lately. A lot of the things I think about seem in the same picture. Seattle, Her, the future, school, friends, and for some odd reason Harry Potter...dunno how that one got in there. Anyway all these things fall in the same little piece of my mind, they seem connected without a doubt. The Harry Potter thing is weird, she loves HP, so I read the books. What i found in books four and five is a part of the story which infuriated me and hurt me at the same time. I kind of saw myself in Harry's shoes for most of the book, and when Cho Chang entered the picture I saw her as Cho. Naturally I expected a beautiful love story. What i got instead, was Harry facing rejection, watching her with another guy, and then getting her for a very short time and losing her again, and she got with another guy. This of coures connected me with this story in such a way that it brought all of my old feelings right back up again. I can't say it's a pleasant experience, when she had banished feelings like that from me for awhile. I do, however, severely dislike the 4th and 5th HP books, I don't know if I can bare to read the 6th, if she's with another guy in it. I'm also the type of person that strongely believes in destiny, and since for some reason Harry Potter feels so strongly connected to her...I'm so afraid that I read those books for a reason, to prepare me to relive the pain of heartbreak and utterly being alone. I had friends for a short while you know, but they always have a way of drifting away from me, or actually me away from them, I've pretty much lost the first two real friends I ever had and I feel myself slipping away from my two cousins, the only other two I ever really grew close to. This of course, isn't counting her, she's been more than a friend since the beginning in my eyes. And so I pray that in Seattle I'll meet new friends, I need someone who can understand me, someone to catch me if she does hurt me again, because I can't bear it. I need someone who is willing to stand by my side when I am burning with nothing but anger, hatred, and pain. I need someone that won't abandon me when I yell at them, when I insult them, when I act completely irrationally and hate the world. I hope beyond hope that she doesn't hurt me, I really do, but if she does, someone has to be there, I won't make it on my own, maybe more than one person, I don't think one friend could put up with me during that time. I know for a fact, that if I don't develope such a friendship before she hurts me, that I won't be able to bare it, no one will ever get close to me again and I'll be bitter and hateful and alone for the rest of my life. But I also know, that even if I do make close friends before she hurts me, no one new will ever get close to me again, and I may very well be bitter and hateful for the rest of my life, I know it will last years this time though, at the least. Like I said though, I hope she doesn't do it. I don't have much hope though, I'm not good enough for her, I never was much of a good person, I never was someone who deserved such happiness. Maybe someone lesser than her I could deserve, but she's just too good for me. But now that I met her I love her and i can never have anyone else, I just have to try to do my best to make her happy.
It's really hard to understand why I love her so much, why I'm so attached to her. Imagine growing up with no one, you don't see your father often, he's kind of distant anyway, your mother and step father detest you, they call you names and talk about how much they hate you and how worthless you are. You are beaten by the filthy skum of a stepfather, sometimes your mother watches you and laughs. Your sisters are just as evil towards you, constantly accusing you of things you didn't do, and you are always held responsible for these things, even if you were sitting in your room the whole time. In school you are laughed at and made fun of, no one, literally no one, likes you or talks to you. You get pushed around, your things taken and passed between a group of people while you are taunted. You are very small, very weak, very afraid. You have no self confidence, no will to defend yourself. You grow up this way, for so many years with no one, absolutely no one. Death seems a welcome thing, very welcome in deed, but you can't kill yourself, it's wrong. And so you live, without wanting to live at all, with no one who really cares about you, no one to confide in, no one to love you or for you to love. Now things weren't as bad for me at age 16, I moved in with my dad, but by this time I was so distant that I didn't even accept people who wanted to get close to me, I pushed them all away, I remained alone, unable to trust anyone, unable to let anyone close to me. My father loved me, he wanted to show it, but I couldn't handle that emotion, I couldn't handle someone caring about me, and so I pushed him away so much that even today I'm not as close to him as I should be. And so, there was no one i cared about strongly at all, no one who's funeral i would cry at. Death still, at this age, seemed better than life, having had several family members die, and in the future even seeing a couple of people die, made death no less appealing.And so I came to join the army, at age 17, i got through basic and turned 18 while I was there, and went on to AIT. it is during this time that I met a girl. Immediately she stirred emotions in me that I had never felt before even in the most remote sense. I didn't just fall in love with her, she made me feel things that were so new. She made me happy, she made feel joy, she made me genuinely just want to laugh and feel good. You may think these emotions would be really great after such a life, but truth be told I couldn't handle them. having never felt anything like them before, these emotions nearly drove me insane, torturing me day and night. The fact that we didn't have anything more than a friendship was further torture, I wanted to be with her, I wanted to spend forever with her, I wanted to hear her say she loved me, or at least cared about me. And so my first truely good emotions fueled the bad emotions, making them stronger. After I left AIT I kept in touch with her, speaking to her for months before I told her how I feel about her. I met with rejection, I was so hurt, another emotion I wasn't ready for, I hadn't gone after a girl before, I hadn't met with rejection. I couldn't even handle happiness, how was i suppose to deal with something that horrible? It nearly shattered me. We continued like that for awhile, I met rejection many times, sometimes it seemed like she would almost give me a chance, but then I would get rejected again. And so my heart was dashed to pieces a million times. I tried to be with other girls, I couldn't, there was no way, they didn't give me the same feelings. years passed, I'm 22 now. Finally the girl I love so much has given me a chance. I'm not sure if I can handle the emotions, it's easier now, it gets easier and easier to handle them, to simply enjoy them. But still they are barely contained, I still sometimes want to do something, want to release my emotions somehow, I can't think of a way I could do this, but sometimes I envision myself exploding because I can't contain the happiness I feel with her. But other emotions, other new emotions come along with these good emotions. My position with her is in no way solid, I might lose her in an instant. And so I feel a fear so so deep, and I have never felt anything like that before either. Losing her terrifies me, feeling the pain of heartbreak again, terrifies me, it was so horrible last time, how could I face it now, that my emotions to her have grown even stronger? There are things far far worse than death you know. Courage, Honor, Valor, Righteousness, Integrity, Hope...what are these things without her? I valued these things above all else before, they kept me together, they kept me breathing, but now they seem as nothing, now, I don't know if they are enough to support me.
Things have been coming together for me lately. A lot of the things I think about seem in the same picture. Seattle, Her, the future, school, friends, and for some odd reason Harry Potter...dunno how that one got in there. Anyway all these things fall in the same little piece of my mind, they seem connected without a doubt. The Harry Potter thing is weird, she loves HP, so I read the books. What i found in books four and five is a part of the story which infuriated me and hurt me at the same time. I kind of saw myself in Harry's shoes for most of the book, and when Cho Chang entered the picture I saw her as Cho. Naturally I expected a beautiful love story. What i got instead, was Harry facing rejection, watching her with another guy, and then getting her for a very short time and losing her again, and she got with another guy. This of coures connected me with this story in such a way that it brought all of my old feelings right back up again. I can't say it's a pleasant experience, when she had banished feelings like that from me for awhile. I do, however, severely dislike the 4th and 5th HP books, I don't know if I can bare to read the 6th, if she's with another guy in it. I'm also the type of person that strongely believes in destiny, and since for some reason Harry Potter feels so strongly connected to her...I'm so afraid that I read those books for a reason, to prepare me to relive the pain of heartbreak and utterly being alone. I had friends for a short while you know, but they always have a way of drifting away from me, or actually me away from them, I've pretty much lost the first two real friends I ever had and I feel myself slipping away from my two cousins, the only other two I ever really grew close to. This of course, isn't counting her, she's been more than a friend since the beginning in my eyes. And so I pray that in Seattle I'll meet new friends, I need someone who can understand me, someone to catch me if she does hurt me again, because I can't bear it. I need someone who is willing to stand by my side when I am burning with nothing but anger, hatred, and pain. I need someone that won't abandon me when I yell at them, when I insult them, when I act completely irrationally and hate the world. I hope beyond hope that she doesn't hurt me, I really do, but if she does, someone has to be there, I won't make it on my own, maybe more than one person, I don't think one friend could put up with me during that time. I know for a fact, that if I don't develope such a friendship before she hurts me, that I won't be able to bare it, no one will ever get close to me again and I'll be bitter and hateful and alone for the rest of my life. But I also know, that even if I do make close friends before she hurts me, no one new will ever get close to me again, and I may very well be bitter and hateful for the rest of my life, I know it will last years this time though, at the least. Like I said though, I hope she doesn't do it. I don't have much hope though, I'm not good enough for her, I never was much of a good person, I never was someone who deserved such happiness. Maybe someone lesser than her I could deserve, but she's just too good for me. But now that I met her I love her and i can never have anyone else, I just have to try to do my best to make her happy.