For a minute there, I lost myself...
I had a good night tonite. I hung out with Caridi, Dave, and Kailee. Techno all night. Seriously, we drove all over. We sped around Home Depot and blasted "Sandstorm" by Darude, while flying through puddles. It was sweet. We eventually went from West Haven to Seymour in about 16 minutes, tying the all time record that me and Dave pulled off in april. We went to the Wendys parking lot and met up with Cox. We then preceded to have a conversation all about adventures with John Arpaia.
I got home at about 130. It is 215 now. I am exhausted.
Things are still bothering me. I am not sure why. I dont know if it is worse at school, or here. It is just over a long period of time, all of the things that are bad that have happened. Of course there are 2 pluses to the past, I cherish and love all of the good memories that I have had, and I believe that whatever bad that has occured, whatever dosent kill you only makes you stronger. Thats the long and short of it. Can I control what happened in the past? No. But I do look back and say, damn I was an idiot. Is that right for me to do? Of course not. In the positions I was in, I did what I thought was the best for me. Why did I think that I had a shot with Jackie, even after the months that we didnt hang out? Because I kept telling myself that I had a shot, and so did everyone around me. That dosent really bother me though. That situation I look at it this way; that no matter what a girl says when you first talk to her, you have to be very vigilent to what she is actually doing. If she dosent seem into it for whatever reason, even if she tells you she is, she prolly isnt.
And after that? I dont know. It is weird. Even with Michelle. Were we going out? No. People thought we were though. That was weird. People would ask me in school about her as if she was my girlfriend (they did that a bit about Jackie too, which was weird, I didnt know that many people knew about everything I did). Neither of them were. Michelle might as well have been, but not like how that might be interpreted as. I mean it in the sense that we talked NONSTOP. Maybe thats where we went wrong. We did nothing but talk. For 3 years. No matter what about. There is always a breaking point with shit like that. Even if stuff like that is good. Talking is good, nothing wrong with it. But if you overdo shit like that, it comes to the point where you make the next step, whatever that maybe. I am not talking about in a sexual way, but just in the standards and steps of a relationship. You are friends with someone. You meet them. You learn a bit about each other. You find things in common. You talk about those things. You then get into talking about mutual and non-mutual friends. You talk about family, and about what you do from day-to-day life. This is a relationship. Whether to take it any further is the choice of the people in it. Sometimes they are afraid, or not mature enough to handle the failure of attempting to take it to the next step, if they choose that route at all. When people talk as much as we did, there is little choice but for at least one of the people to want to take it to the next level, though it is not in every case. With friends of the same gender, there isnt a next step. It is just the people become better friends, and just trust more, which isnt much different than a guy and a girl having a relationship.
Its all about trust isnt it?
I think so. Trust is important in everything that requires some kind of human contact. Just different levels, like the friends thing. People who date, usually have a shitton of trust. If they didnt, why would they be going out? You dont date someone you dont trust, unless you are an idiot, or dont care about ones safety. I think we trusted each other greatly. Maybe a little too much, for the relationship that we had, but it was there. I think I trusted her too much. Not that I never screwed up, cuz I did. This entry isnt for pointing blame, its just a post explaining what I feel that dosent have to be private. We dont need to get on the topic of screwing up, because I do that alot. Last new year, my trust for her began to wane a bit. Still alot, but a little less. Just me being upset and not wanting to admit what around me was changing. When she wanted to go to prom with me, the trust came back a bit. I still cant believe the way I asked her, one of the worst ways to do it, but it was funny nonetheless. Prom, well my trust with her plummetted. I mean, I got sick, real sick. For her to do what she did was messed up bad. I cant begin to explain how screwed up that was. But everyone knows what happened, and gets why I was so bothered by it. Anyone who reads this prolly already was told about it by me.
After prom, and what came after that I really distanced myself. I couldnt handle it, it was what happened junior year, but in full force. Like this shit was real, man. Last year may as well have been an illusion or a dream, but senior year, real real. What happened in April-June was like "holy shit this might all be coming to an end after all". She told me she wasnt really into it, but why should that make me feel better? I guess (hope) she meant well by it, but whatever.
Then we graduated. I had hoped she would be there in the beginning, but after this stuff, I was happy she wasnt. I just couldnt deal with that on my big day. My grandparents asking me about her every week was something out of a bad teen movie though. Comical? Yes. Funny? No.
I dont really remember what through the summer brought us closer. I dont think I saw her until my graduation party. That was awkward, but I was ecstatic at the same time. I missed her alot. It was great that she came, in my opinion. Until later that night of course. I got a call later, and turns out she was with another guy and used me as an alibi. But what she does is her choice, and probably isnt my business. Actually it definitely isnt my business, kind of why I did what I did. I had to stop everything as quick as I could, because at school I couldnt deal with it. I thought it was gonna be perfect up there, I truly did. Thats why I tried so hard to get her to go. I do feel bad, cuz I guilted her into going there. She didnt have to go to Central. She prolly likes it, so thats good, but I still guilted her into going, which is my fault.
I talked to her alot in August. I felt uncomfortable towards the end of it though, I am not gonna lie. I went to her house and saw her kissing another kid, or at least its what it looked like. Stuff like that bothered me. Why shouldnt it have? Whatever else happened isnt important, or necessary. Its just that I feel sometimes I got the short end of the stick, people do change, and people move on. I have changed, I am not the timid, impressionable, opinionated kid I was freshman year. I am much different, I have experienced much more, and I think I am a stronger person for it.
When I got to CCSU, I wanted to do stuff different because it was the right time. I met new people, I made new friends. Did I make another person miserable because of it? Seems to be that. Sorry, but sorry prolly wouldnt cut it. Sorry dosent cut what I went through either. I honestly felt led on the whole time. I cant help that. It was what it was. If it wasnt to be, as it seems it wasnt, well I got the wrong message. I dont look for apologies in these situations. In situations like these people could have done more on both sides. Could I have handled it better in the end? God yeah, that was probably not right of me to handle it the way that I did. I should have tried to do it another way. People that I dont know dont need to have an inside on my issues with friends. But I panicked. Its in the past. I happened to feel bad when I ran into her at school and we just locked eye contact and she just gave me the "Why did you do that?" face. I see her at school and we say hi as we pass by, and that is nice. I dont like to hold grudges with people. But I dont think we could ever have what we did again.
When I first met her, I thought she was amazing, because she was so easy to relate to. Seriously, she didnt mind talking about anything. It was great. Idk what I wanted, I guess I just thought that she was like the perfect friend. She was for a while. We had an amazing friendship. We had so much fun, and I could tell that junior year we had something. I never completely picked up on it because I was really shy......being shy sucked now that I look back on it lol. I still am, but not as bad. She always knew how to help me through things, and I think I helped her out alot too. We were each others crutch. We both needed each other for different reasons. It was a perfect cycle for a while. But it didnt last. Idk why. We screwed up. I guess it was a good run.....but then again, it ended. I dont know.
Why do I harp on this shit at 3am? Because I am listening to Radiohead and overtired. I will probably wake up in the morning and say, "holy shite, why did I bother doing that?" Whatever. Supposively you say what you really feel while drunk. You say what you are thinking about much easier while dead tired in the dark of night too. And some of "The Bends" record prolly dosent hurt.
What am I trying to prove in this entry? Nothing really. I do not intend to make anyone look bad or anything, and I try not to beat a dead horse. Its just stuff thats on my mind. I dont hate anyone. I get frustrated with people. There are people I dont like, but that comes about usually when I first meet them. Others fall out of favor with me, but that is because of an unresolved dispute. I think about stuff like that alot, but thats just my thought process. I prolly have autism on top of ADD. My day, and my nights are filled with stuff to do, but once everyone online goes to sleep, and I run out of articles on the possible return of the Whalers, I contemplate stuff that affects me, my family, and my friends. Sometimes, it gets in here. This entry is more for myself than anyone else. This stuff is easier to think through when it is written in front of me.
I dont know. I dont feel bad right now. I am not depressed. I am rather okay. Listening to music, and this is actually taking away from my reading time. I got Radiohead's bio. It looks AMAZING! So I gotta go read it soon.
ND-WH Hockey. Tomorrow......bitches.
Did I mention Radiohead is amazing?
Christ I am tired. I cant believe i just typed that much.
Out. Later.
I got home at about 130. It is 215 now. I am exhausted.
Things are still bothering me. I am not sure why. I dont know if it is worse at school, or here. It is just over a long period of time, all of the things that are bad that have happened. Of course there are 2 pluses to the past, I cherish and love all of the good memories that I have had, and I believe that whatever bad that has occured, whatever dosent kill you only makes you stronger. Thats the long and short of it. Can I control what happened in the past? No. But I do look back and say, damn I was an idiot. Is that right for me to do? Of course not. In the positions I was in, I did what I thought was the best for me. Why did I think that I had a shot with Jackie, even after the months that we didnt hang out? Because I kept telling myself that I had a shot, and so did everyone around me. That dosent really bother me though. That situation I look at it this way; that no matter what a girl says when you first talk to her, you have to be very vigilent to what she is actually doing. If she dosent seem into it for whatever reason, even if she tells you she is, she prolly isnt.
And after that? I dont know. It is weird. Even with Michelle. Were we going out? No. People thought we were though. That was weird. People would ask me in school about her as if she was my girlfriend (they did that a bit about Jackie too, which was weird, I didnt know that many people knew about everything I did). Neither of them were. Michelle might as well have been, but not like how that might be interpreted as. I mean it in the sense that we talked NONSTOP. Maybe thats where we went wrong. We did nothing but talk. For 3 years. No matter what about. There is always a breaking point with shit like that. Even if stuff like that is good. Talking is good, nothing wrong with it. But if you overdo shit like that, it comes to the point where you make the next step, whatever that maybe. I am not talking about in a sexual way, but just in the standards and steps of a relationship. You are friends with someone. You meet them. You learn a bit about each other. You find things in common. You talk about those things. You then get into talking about mutual and non-mutual friends. You talk about family, and about what you do from day-to-day life. This is a relationship. Whether to take it any further is the choice of the people in it. Sometimes they are afraid, or not mature enough to handle the failure of attempting to take it to the next step, if they choose that route at all. When people talk as much as we did, there is little choice but for at least one of the people to want to take it to the next level, though it is not in every case. With friends of the same gender, there isnt a next step. It is just the people become better friends, and just trust more, which isnt much different than a guy and a girl having a relationship.
Its all about trust isnt it?
I think so. Trust is important in everything that requires some kind of human contact. Just different levels, like the friends thing. People who date, usually have a shitton of trust. If they didnt, why would they be going out? You dont date someone you dont trust, unless you are an idiot, or dont care about ones safety. I think we trusted each other greatly. Maybe a little too much, for the relationship that we had, but it was there. I think I trusted her too much. Not that I never screwed up, cuz I did. This entry isnt for pointing blame, its just a post explaining what I feel that dosent have to be private. We dont need to get on the topic of screwing up, because I do that alot. Last new year, my trust for her began to wane a bit. Still alot, but a little less. Just me being upset and not wanting to admit what around me was changing. When she wanted to go to prom with me, the trust came back a bit. I still cant believe the way I asked her, one of the worst ways to do it, but it was funny nonetheless. Prom, well my trust with her plummetted. I mean, I got sick, real sick. For her to do what she did was messed up bad. I cant begin to explain how screwed up that was. But everyone knows what happened, and gets why I was so bothered by it. Anyone who reads this prolly already was told about it by me.
After prom, and what came after that I really distanced myself. I couldnt handle it, it was what happened junior year, but in full force. Like this shit was real, man. Last year may as well have been an illusion or a dream, but senior year, real real. What happened in April-June was like "holy shit this might all be coming to an end after all". She told me she wasnt really into it, but why should that make me feel better? I guess (hope) she meant well by it, but whatever.
Then we graduated. I had hoped she would be there in the beginning, but after this stuff, I was happy she wasnt. I just couldnt deal with that on my big day. My grandparents asking me about her every week was something out of a bad teen movie though. Comical? Yes. Funny? No.
I dont really remember what through the summer brought us closer. I dont think I saw her until my graduation party. That was awkward, but I was ecstatic at the same time. I missed her alot. It was great that she came, in my opinion. Until later that night of course. I got a call later, and turns out she was with another guy and used me as an alibi. But what she does is her choice, and probably isnt my business. Actually it definitely isnt my business, kind of why I did what I did. I had to stop everything as quick as I could, because at school I couldnt deal with it. I thought it was gonna be perfect up there, I truly did. Thats why I tried so hard to get her to go. I do feel bad, cuz I guilted her into going there. She didnt have to go to Central. She prolly likes it, so thats good, but I still guilted her into going, which is my fault.
I talked to her alot in August. I felt uncomfortable towards the end of it though, I am not gonna lie. I went to her house and saw her kissing another kid, or at least its what it looked like. Stuff like that bothered me. Why shouldnt it have? Whatever else happened isnt important, or necessary. Its just that I feel sometimes I got the short end of the stick, people do change, and people move on. I have changed, I am not the timid, impressionable, opinionated kid I was freshman year. I am much different, I have experienced much more, and I think I am a stronger person for it.
When I got to CCSU, I wanted to do stuff different because it was the right time. I met new people, I made new friends. Did I make another person miserable because of it? Seems to be that. Sorry, but sorry prolly wouldnt cut it. Sorry dosent cut what I went through either. I honestly felt led on the whole time. I cant help that. It was what it was. If it wasnt to be, as it seems it wasnt, well I got the wrong message. I dont look for apologies in these situations. In situations like these people could have done more on both sides. Could I have handled it better in the end? God yeah, that was probably not right of me to handle it the way that I did. I should have tried to do it another way. People that I dont know dont need to have an inside on my issues with friends. But I panicked. Its in the past. I happened to feel bad when I ran into her at school and we just locked eye contact and she just gave me the "Why did you do that?" face. I see her at school and we say hi as we pass by, and that is nice. I dont like to hold grudges with people. But I dont think we could ever have what we did again.
When I first met her, I thought she was amazing, because she was so easy to relate to. Seriously, she didnt mind talking about anything. It was great. Idk what I wanted, I guess I just thought that she was like the perfect friend. She was for a while. We had an amazing friendship. We had so much fun, and I could tell that junior year we had something. I never completely picked up on it because I was really shy......being shy sucked now that I look back on it lol. I still am, but not as bad. She always knew how to help me through things, and I think I helped her out alot too. We were each others crutch. We both needed each other for different reasons. It was a perfect cycle for a while. But it didnt last. Idk why. We screwed up. I guess it was a good run.....but then again, it ended. I dont know.
Why do I harp on this shit at 3am? Because I am listening to Radiohead and overtired. I will probably wake up in the morning and say, "holy shite, why did I bother doing that?" Whatever. Supposively you say what you really feel while drunk. You say what you are thinking about much easier while dead tired in the dark of night too. And some of "The Bends" record prolly dosent hurt.
What am I trying to prove in this entry? Nothing really. I do not intend to make anyone look bad or anything, and I try not to beat a dead horse. Its just stuff thats on my mind. I dont hate anyone. I get frustrated with people. There are people I dont like, but that comes about usually when I first meet them. Others fall out of favor with me, but that is because of an unresolved dispute. I think about stuff like that alot, but thats just my thought process. I prolly have autism on top of ADD. My day, and my nights are filled with stuff to do, but once everyone online goes to sleep, and I run out of articles on the possible return of the Whalers, I contemplate stuff that affects me, my family, and my friends. Sometimes, it gets in here. This entry is more for myself than anyone else. This stuff is easier to think through when it is written in front of me.
I dont know. I dont feel bad right now. I am not depressed. I am rather okay. Listening to music, and this is actually taking away from my reading time. I got Radiohead's bio. It looks AMAZING! So I gotta go read it soon.
ND-WH Hockey. Tomorrow......bitches.
Did I mention Radiohead is amazing?
Christ I am tired. I cant believe i just typed that much.
Out. Later.