Mall Mart Pie
Let me tell you about a trip I took to Wal-Mart.
NOTE: THIS STORY IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I HAVE NOT EMBELLISHED ANYTHING. WAL-MART EMPLOYEES ARE SO OVERWORKED AND BEWILDERED THEY ACTUALLY ACT LIKE THIS.
I needed a turkey baster. Never mind why, I just needed one okay? So I went to the local Wal-Mart Supercenter (it was close) for said baster. Upon entering the store it was obvious this was going to be quite a feat to find the damn thing. I went to the grocery section and started looking around. After a few minutes of fruitless searching, I consulted a Wal-Mart employee stocking soda nearby. This is how the conversation went:
Me; Hi! I’m trying to find a turkey baster.
Employee: Um…uhh…hey. You see that sign over there?
Me: (Looking) Yeah.
Employee: The one that says “Deli?”
Me: Yeah.
Employee: Well, go over there and ask those people. They know where they are.
Me: Ooookaaay.
I ventured to the Deli section to find two rather cheery women laughing about something…well…cheery until I came to the counter. You could rot cheese with the glare they gave me when I approached them.
Me: Um…hi. I need to get a turkey baster?
Surly Deli Gal #1: (ICE COLD STARE)
Surly Deli Gal #2: Um. Yeah. I think…they’re over in Housewares.
Me: Housewares?
Surly Deli Gal #2: Yeah. Housewares. It’s-
Surly Deli Gal #1: IT’S BEHIND JEWELRY.
Me: (Eager to get the fuck away from them) Okay. Jewelry? Thanks.
What the bloody hell? Behind Jewelry? The turkey basters were behind JEWELRY?? It's no wonder that first guy, the GROCERY employee, didn’t know where they were! They apparently keep them next to the Panama Jack necklaces and $2.00 sunglasses. What do they think they really are? Earrings?!
“Lookee ma! I gots me sum earrings all purty and theys clean out yur ears tew!”
Whatev.
I arrived in the “Housewares” section, or ‘BEHIND JEWELRY” as Surly Deli Gal #1 put it. I still couldn’t find it. Plastic cups? Sure. Trinitron watches? Yessir. Microwaveable dishes? You bet. Turkey basters? That’s a NO. I didn’t want to, but I figured I’d give the whole “Ask an Employee” thing one last try. I found a woman by the popcorn bowls.
Me: Excuse me, where are the turkey basters?
Woman: The what?
Me: Turkey Basters.
At this point the woman made a face resembling what I assume someone would make while a vacuum hose was forcibly jammed up their anus followed by a Chihuahua and a baseball. After a bit, she came out of her coma or whatever it was and asked me:
Woman: Ahm…are them those squeezy juice things?
Me: Um…sure. Yeah. Those squeezy juice things.
Woman: They’re the next aisle over by the microwaves.
I am not even going to go into the dangers of using a baster in the microwave or how wrong it is to put them next to each other. I’ll just leave that to your imagination.
I left the store with my stupid baster and about a week’s worth of dazed post-Wally World haze. If anyone of you has ever shopped at a Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart Supercenter or Neighborhood Market, you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, consider yourself one of the luckiest people on Earth.
The employees are so overloaded with shit I doubt they even remember their names after work - if they let them off work. I have tried to avoid the store, but I am poor and at times I have no other choice. I just wonder how long the stores can be managed that way and survive. K-mart met its demise so eventually Wal-Mart will too, right?
RIGHT??!!
Oh well. At least it’s cheap.
-P :-)
NOTE: THIS STORY IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I HAVE NOT EMBELLISHED ANYTHING. WAL-MART EMPLOYEES ARE SO OVERWORKED AND BEWILDERED THEY ACTUALLY ACT LIKE THIS.
I needed a turkey baster. Never mind why, I just needed one okay? So I went to the local Wal-Mart Supercenter (it was close) for said baster. Upon entering the store it was obvious this was going to be quite a feat to find the damn thing. I went to the grocery section and started looking around. After a few minutes of fruitless searching, I consulted a Wal-Mart employee stocking soda nearby. This is how the conversation went:
Me; Hi! I’m trying to find a turkey baster.
Employee: Um…uhh…hey. You see that sign over there?
Me: (Looking) Yeah.
Employee: The one that says “Deli?”
Me: Yeah.
Employee: Well, go over there and ask those people. They know where they are.
Me: Ooookaaay.
I ventured to the Deli section to find two rather cheery women laughing about something…well…cheery until I came to the counter. You could rot cheese with the glare they gave me when I approached them.
Me: Um…hi. I need to get a turkey baster?
Surly Deli Gal #1: (ICE COLD STARE)
Surly Deli Gal #2: Um. Yeah. I think…they’re over in Housewares.
Me: Housewares?
Surly Deli Gal #2: Yeah. Housewares. It’s-
Surly Deli Gal #1: IT’S BEHIND JEWELRY.
Me: (Eager to get the fuck away from them) Okay. Jewelry? Thanks.
What the bloody hell? Behind Jewelry? The turkey basters were behind JEWELRY?? It's no wonder that first guy, the GROCERY employee, didn’t know where they were! They apparently keep them next to the Panama Jack necklaces and $2.00 sunglasses. What do they think they really are? Earrings?!
“Lookee ma! I gots me sum earrings all purty and theys clean out yur ears tew!”
Whatev.
I arrived in the “Housewares” section, or ‘BEHIND JEWELRY” as Surly Deli Gal #1 put it. I still couldn’t find it. Plastic cups? Sure. Trinitron watches? Yessir. Microwaveable dishes? You bet. Turkey basters? That’s a NO. I didn’t want to, but I figured I’d give the whole “Ask an Employee” thing one last try. I found a woman by the popcorn bowls.
Me: Excuse me, where are the turkey basters?
Woman: The what?
Me: Turkey Basters.
At this point the woman made a face resembling what I assume someone would make while a vacuum hose was forcibly jammed up their anus followed by a Chihuahua and a baseball. After a bit, she came out of her coma or whatever it was and asked me:
Woman: Ahm…are them those squeezy juice things?
Me: Um…sure. Yeah. Those squeezy juice things.
Woman: They’re the next aisle over by the microwaves.
I am not even going to go into the dangers of using a baster in the microwave or how wrong it is to put them next to each other. I’ll just leave that to your imagination.
I left the store with my stupid baster and about a week’s worth of dazed post-Wally World haze. If anyone of you has ever shopped at a Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart Supercenter or Neighborhood Market, you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, consider yourself one of the luckiest people on Earth.
The employees are so overloaded with shit I doubt they even remember their names after work - if they let them off work. I have tried to avoid the store, but I am poor and at times I have no other choice. I just wonder how long the stores can be managed that way and survive. K-mart met its demise so eventually Wal-Mart will too, right?
RIGHT??!!
Oh well. At least it’s cheap.
-P :-)