Various Ramblings
So I just got home a few minutes ago, and I suppose a combination of the extreme heat and huge amount of walking has made me exhausted. I collapsed on my couch when I got in the door and started up my laptop. There are many things I should be doing right now - sitting on my couch writing not being one of them - but since I'm obviously going to need some time to get motivated I figured I might as well update y'all on my life a bit, just in case anyone cares :P
yaedaien comes to NYC on Thursday!! This is exciting, but slightly nerve-wracking. He is bringing his very special friend Yohei, which means I absolutely _must_ clean my apartment before they get here. I did manage to get the bathroom done last night, so that is good. The most daunting task is probably the dishes. I absolutely abhor doing dishes, consequently most of mine are dirty and sitting in my sink or on my counter right now. I had been slowly chipping away at them a while ago but have since lost my motivation. It doesn't help that it's godawful hot now and only my bedroom is air-conditioned.
In addition to cleaning, I really would like to make a simple curtain for my bedroom door. It is a glass door so there isn't much privacy in there. Were it just Jason and I, this would be fine, but I'm sure Yohei will appreciate some privacy, plus Josh will be coming down to visit next weekend while Jason is still here and I _know_ we'll need privacy then ;) I bought a couple curtain rods at the dollar store yesterday and spent an hour in the garment district tonight searching for some decent cheap fabric that I like. I wasn't able to find exactly what I wanted, but I did manage to get some navy linen-type material for $4.00/yard. It is bound on both sides so I'll just need to do a quick hem and pocket for the rods on both ends and I should be good to go. I think I should be able to get that done tonight.
So yes, I mentioned Josh again. This is turning into more than I expected and I'm incredibly hesitant, a little bit terrified and completely confused about the whole thing. The more time we spend together, the more I like him, and consequently the more attractive he becomes to me. I find myself thinking about him more and more, and hoping that he'll call or email me. In fact, he did finally email me tonight and I was so excited, especially after reading said email which was really sweet. Not to mention the sex is totally fucking amazing. Seriously, there is no other word for it. Best sex EVER. At first I was convinced that in no way did I want a relationship with him, but now I'm not so sure. I mean really, why not? Part of the reason is that I do still think about Chris. A lot. When I am in NYC he is constantly in my thoughts, everything I do and see reminds me of him. Which I suppose is one of the attractions about Josh, when I'm with him I'm not thinking about Chris at all and it's such a relief. So I'm worried that I may only want him because he's taking my mind off Chris. I have to say that if Chris called me tonight and said he missed me terribly and that he was willing to do what it takes to be in a relationship with me I would be there in a heartbeat, and that doesn't seem fair to Josh. Then again, the likeliness of that ever happening is slim to none. Who's to say that a few months down the road Josh won't push every thought of Chris out of my head.
I think the other issue is that I'm now terrified of having my heart stomped. I just don't have relationships that often, I've never been that girl. It's either sex or a serious relationship, never anything in between, and most of the time it's the former. Chris was the first relationship I'd had in something like 6 years, and it really didn't give me much faith in them. It made me question my instincts and wonder if I really know myself and my feelings as well as I thought I did, which is the worst. Oh bleah, I don't know. I do know that I really shouldn't be worrying about this so much. I guess I just need to have a talk with Josh and tell him exactly where I stand so that we both go into this with open eyes. Or maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should just try to turn off my brain for a change, relax and have fun with him :) Goddamn if I could just find that off switch!
yaedaien comes to NYC on Thursday!! This is exciting, but slightly nerve-wracking. He is bringing his very special friend Yohei, which means I absolutely _must_ clean my apartment before they get here. I did manage to get the bathroom done last night, so that is good. The most daunting task is probably the dishes. I absolutely abhor doing dishes, consequently most of mine are dirty and sitting in my sink or on my counter right now. I had been slowly chipping away at them a while ago but have since lost my motivation. It doesn't help that it's godawful hot now and only my bedroom is air-conditioned.
In addition to cleaning, I really would like to make a simple curtain for my bedroom door. It is a glass door so there isn't much privacy in there. Were it just Jason and I, this would be fine, but I'm sure Yohei will appreciate some privacy, plus Josh will be coming down to visit next weekend while Jason is still here and I _know_ we'll need privacy then ;) I bought a couple curtain rods at the dollar store yesterday and spent an hour in the garment district tonight searching for some decent cheap fabric that I like. I wasn't able to find exactly what I wanted, but I did manage to get some navy linen-type material for $4.00/yard. It is bound on both sides so I'll just need to do a quick hem and pocket for the rods on both ends and I should be good to go. I think I should be able to get that done tonight.
So yes, I mentioned Josh again. This is turning into more than I expected and I'm incredibly hesitant, a little bit terrified and completely confused about the whole thing. The more time we spend together, the more I like him, and consequently the more attractive he becomes to me. I find myself thinking about him more and more, and hoping that he'll call or email me. In fact, he did finally email me tonight and I was so excited, especially after reading said email which was really sweet. Not to mention the sex is totally fucking amazing. Seriously, there is no other word for it. Best sex EVER. At first I was convinced that in no way did I want a relationship with him, but now I'm not so sure. I mean really, why not? Part of the reason is that I do still think about Chris. A lot. When I am in NYC he is constantly in my thoughts, everything I do and see reminds me of him. Which I suppose is one of the attractions about Josh, when I'm with him I'm not thinking about Chris at all and it's such a relief. So I'm worried that I may only want him because he's taking my mind off Chris. I have to say that if Chris called me tonight and said he missed me terribly and that he was willing to do what it takes to be in a relationship with me I would be there in a heartbeat, and that doesn't seem fair to Josh. Then again, the likeliness of that ever happening is slim to none. Who's to say that a few months down the road Josh won't push every thought of Chris out of my head.
I think the other issue is that I'm now terrified of having my heart stomped. I just don't have relationships that often, I've never been that girl. It's either sex or a serious relationship, never anything in between, and most of the time it's the former. Chris was the first relationship I'd had in something like 6 years, and it really didn't give me much faith in them. It made me question my instincts and wonder if I really know myself and my feelings as well as I thought I did, which is the worst. Oh bleah, I don't know. I do know that I really shouldn't be worrying about this so much. I guess I just need to have a talk with Josh and tell him exactly where I stand so that we both go into this with open eyes. Or maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should just try to turn off my brain for a change, relax and have fun with him :) Goddamn if I could just find that off switch!