The madness continues.
I GOT ALI PRESENT.
CRYSTALIS IS SO MUCH THE BEST. My boyfriend is very jealous! XD As "thanks" this is all I could manage. Please forgive me!
Day 1:
Early morning:
Damn angst nightmares! Back to sleep.
Morning:
Woke up to the sound someone talking. HAVE A FAIRY! Said the great tree sent her and I had to go to him! Was so happy, showed her around to the other Kokori. Saria came by and said my new green tunic looks really hot! Mido so jealous! He stopped me near pathway to tree, so had to go get the Kokori sword and shield to threaten him. Sill wonder why we have a shop in town, since Hyrulains cannot come in to shop and Kokori can’t leave. Ahh well, off to see the Deku Tree!
Later morning:
Turns out Deku Tree was attacked by an evil man named Ganondorf. Suspect he is evil because name is REALLY LAME. Had to enter his mouth and fight giant spider to prove my worth. Tree hasn’t flossed since last century so breath was horrible. So glad when task was done! Deku tree said Ganondorf wanted to steal pretty Emerald stone. Told me I have a really cool past and I had to save the world! YAY! Now I have to go see princess Zelda. Asked him why I hadn’t had a fairy sooner, told me I would soon find out. Was also going to ask questions about my really cool real past, but he went ahead and DIED. Why can I never get answers around here? Probably to scared to tell me anyway. Suspecting very traumatic childhood.
Left village dramatically after orders of the tree but was stopped by Saria. She is looking particularly hot for being 513 years old. Gave me a shiny new instrument so we could never be apart. She is so the best! Wish we could marry.
Met an owl who told me about my journey. After he left, Navi told me we needed to go see the princess. I KNOW THE HUGE THE OWL JUST SAID THAT. Already hating my new fairy, understand what Deku Tree meant. Still, happy about this Ganondorf thing, because it’s better than being the retard of the village! Maybe I can go get a bite to eat, getting tired of Kokori diet of milk and grass.
Afternoon:
Met a girl named Malon. Has the laziest father. Told me to go see her at the farm. Only half a day out of forest and already have a date! YES!
Managed to sneak around castle using my amazing sneaking skills. Thinking about becoming a ninja! Found Zelda spying on her father and some man. Turns out to be Ganondorf! Really not a pretty guy. Nose way too long. Said she knew me from dreams. Think she’s just trying to find a good pick-up line. She is sending me off on a quest to find the stones and save her kingdom. Thinking this is a bit crazy, but will do anyway. Zelda’s cute. Her nursemaid is okay. A bit too much muscle and makeup.
Day 2:
Morning:
First stopped at the farm. Saw cute baby horse! Was afraid of my DAMN FAIRY so Malon taught me a song to calm the poor animal down. Was able to pet her after that! Aparently named Epona! Too bad her father is a total nutcase. Talk about an obsession with cuccos! I’ve always said they were evil. Suspecting he is secretly working with Ganondorf to raise a supply of mutant zombie chickens. Still think that theyare the ones responsible for the recent disappearance off most of the Hyrule kittens.
Went to Death Mountain with Zelda signature. Name of mountain not giving me much inspiration. Why can’t it be the Super Happy Friendly Mountain? Saw Gorons. Apparently Ganondorf sealed off the entrance to the mountain where they get their supply of food. Very new to this world, but already noticed they have bomb plants which could do the job. Stupid Gorons. Picky eaters. Maybe if they ate any normal rocks, would not be starving. Saw owl again. Wondering why he is following me around.
Made their king dance using song Saria taught me. Gorons dance very silly! Said something about the Hyrule king being an incompetent lout. Sent me off on a quest to kill all of the monsters so they can go eat rocks. Fat, lazy bastard.
Afternoon:
Got the Ruby stone, but forever scared. Darunia claimed I was now his blood brother even if he has no blood. Told everyone to give me a big Goron hug. Had heard Kokir horror stories about this, so ran away before they could.
Met up with owl again who told me to visit the fairy shrine. SHIT. Didn't know fairies could be more disturbing that Navi. Suspecting the owl is secretly a pervert.
Day 3:
Went to Zora Land. Very pretty land, but wonder why Zora people let a big fat fish like that rule. Starting to think all kings in Hyrule are disturbing. Found a bottle with a message from his daughter, gave that to him. Responded by saying I had to save her and gave me the bottle as a “present”. I’D RATHER HAVE THE STONE THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Then he began to slide on his throne to open a passageway. King had no boxers. My young pure Hero mind is forever disturbed.
Entered mouth of holy God Fish. Found nasty, bitchy Zora princess named Ruto. Said she had lost her mother’s jewel. Suspected is the stone I am looking for, so helped her around. She actually climbed on my head! Already very heavy for Zora, expect her to get as fat as her father. Said their god had been having stomach cramps and swallowed her up. More like she probably pissed him off and he swallowed her! Good idea, should do that with Navi! Sadly can’t digest fairies.
Ruto somehow got lost after we found the stone, so I had to rescue her from the parasite in center of fish. Then she told me she really liked me! Hero charm is working off! Gave me the sapphire saying I had some matrimony privileges in the future. Whatever that means! Probably means I have to give her my shiny green hat in the future. AS IF!
Noticing that quests are getting more and more disgusting and disturbing as adventure continues. So far been in the mouths of two magical beasts, defiantly not hoping for a third one. A Hero can only take so much bacteria. Oh well. Back to the castle!
Day 4:
Morning:
Weather turned bad unexpectedly, destroying plans for picnic. Saw Zelda run away on white horse, then was chased by Ganondorf. JUST LIKE DREAM! Unfortunately, am a bit too wimpy. Was pushed back with really gay bolt. Didn’t see that coming. Promise payback when I open the Temple of Time.
Still not sure what Zelda’s plan is. Oh well. Off to get that ocarina she dropped in the moat!
Afternoon:
After a really scary telepathy message from Zelda, I opened the Temple of Time. Asked her why she didn’t use this before while I was hunting the jewels, but she abruptly cut off. Sill not sure where Triforce is, but I can see that really SHINY SWORD in the center!
Year 7, Day 1:
WTF.
Was apparently worthy of the sword but had to be aged so could actually wield it without falling. Since afraid that I might fall off a rock and kill myself, kept me sleeping for seven years. Apparently I can’t use older weapons now because hands too big for boomerang. Actually questioning if Rauru really watched me sleep for seven years. Would rather not think about it.
Seven years. Very unfair, missed out on most of early teenage years. Apparently Ganondorf took over Hyrule while I was gone and it’s my job to kill him. Will do! Payback for that level 1 bolt he threw at me.
Returned to the temple of time and noticed I had left the door open. Woops! Learned my lesson.
MET VERY NICE PERSON NAMED SHEIK! Told me cryptic words then disappeared in a cloud of smoke! SUSPECT IS A NINJA. Probably here to teach me Ninjtstu! Can’t wait to start! New Hyrule not so bad except for rotting trees and ominous skies.
Will start journey tomorrow.
New body very flexible. Liking already.
DAMMIT! HOW COME MY EARS ARE PIERCED?!?
Year 7, Day 2:
I NOW HAVE A HORSE!
Remember Epona? Somehow she remembered me when I played that song Malon taught me a few days ago. Years ago. Whatever. Memory million times better than Navi. Plan turned out much better than expected because original was to steal a horse after knocking Ingo unconscious. Not a very pretty plan for the Hero I’ll admit, but really need horse. Field too damn tiring.
Best part is heard from Ingo that he had promised her off to Ganondorf. Happy to have arrived just in time because sure he would have given her a really shitty name. Death-something probably. Epona better on diet of carrots than kittens. Malon is really, really hot now. Too bad is not a sage!
Went to the town nearby. Cucco population seems to have dwindled, which is very good if you ask me. Heard that some ghost had very shiny treasure, so went to the cemetery. Beat him in an underground maze. Gave me the hookshot! Very nice, but already running out of room to put stuff.
Decided to return back to the forest, feel like showing off new body.
Year 7, Day 3:
Returned to Kokori forest to say hi. Apparently, old gang afraid of a few mutant plants. Wimps.
Learned from Mido that Saria disappeared in the Forest Temple. Apparently he’s still bitter that I was tree’s favorite even if legally declared dead for the last seven years. Briefly considered telling him who I am but do not want to waist brain cells. AM wearing exactly the same tunic when I last left, after all. Also still have that talking excuse for a fairy, Navi. Blond guy with green outfit and talking fairy?
You’d think he could put two and two together.
Saw Sheik who taught my very pretty song with harp. Assume Ninjas must be skilled in an instrument to be cool.
Forest temple great! Ganondorf really turned the dull place around into the best haunted house ever! Very scared throughout, especially with the flaming skulls and vomit-worthy turning rooms. Found a VERY SHINY BOW! Amazed self at who easy it is to handle. Almost makes up for boomerang. Was annoyed with having to fight Poes, but payoff was big when met Phantom Ganondorf. So glad to have a spare tunic!
Kicked his ass and learned that Saria is the forest sage. Very pleased for her, only Kokori who had sense. Would date if wasn’t for height and species difference. Learned from new tree sprout that I was a Hyrulian. As if I hadn’t figured out that part already! On plus side, very angst past.
Best part is I’ve decided that Mido gets to worry if she’s alright forever. HA!
Navi says we have to go to Death Mountain next. Does she ever shut up? Since refusing would result in more nagging, heading off now.
Year 7, Day 4:
Morning:
I MIGHT HAVE A LONG LOST TWIN BROTHER!!
Was walking up the mountain when I tapped on the shoulder by some men who claimed to know me. When I turned around they realized it was not the case, so asked if this was Death Mountain (suspecting every dangerous volcano TO BE NAMED THE SAME WAY) where they could burn the "one ring". Told them it was called Death Mountain, but was probably not the one they were looking for since had never heard of Gorons destroying jewelery in mountain. Muttered a bunch of curses between themselves and being late for a very important fight. Then asked if I had seen hobbits with a "one ring". Had no idea what hobbits were, so said no. Suspect hobbits steal rings to burn them. Noticed that one man was looking at my bow, so proceeded to amazing them with my natural agility and archery skills. They were very impressed! Told me I could have been the twin of a “prancing ninny” who also had really pretty blonde hair, same pointy ears, wore green and could also really shoot well! No idea what a prancing ninny is, but assume to be high form of compliment! Maybe honorary ninja! Exchanged a red tunic they had found for a map. Needed a new tunic since one Goron kid gave was too big. Uhh. Still can’t believe the giant bastard named his son after me. Off to save him and his clan now. Sometimes it’s tough being the Hero.
Afternoon:
Great.
How am I supposed to fit a giant hammer in my leggings?
Turned out Darunia was the sage of fire. Very happy with the outcome, it means he won’t be chasing me for more of those “Goron hugs”. Was going to break to him that I didn’t want to be his blood brother, but thought he might sulk and refuse to work with the other sages. Noticed he was looking funny at Rauru. Ha! Leave him to deal with Goron King for all I care. Worried about leaving Saria with those two. Might be bad for her health.
Year 7, Day 5:
Morning:
Navi suggested I get iron boots so I could get into the water temple.
Gee Navi, don’t think the hammer is weight enough?
Stupid fairy.
Maybe should feed her to Epona. Horse so great, best companion animal ever. Too bad can’t swim or cross brooks.
Arrived at Zora Land. One word: Zorasicles. Never seen ice before! Probably not good to eat, although got stuck on lake for hours because tongue was frozen due to own curiosity. Should have packed a coat of some sort because stockings not kind to legs.
Not sure if should unfreeze king.
Afternoon:
Ice cavern very pretty despite being so cold. Got another music lesson. Hoping Sheik will teach me how to be a ninja soon!
Went to the Water temple. Met up with Ruto. Said I have to keep good on my promise to marry her. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? Claimed that the sapphire was the Zora stone of marriage. This is not in my Hero contract. Suspect she wants me to carry her eggs in my very pretty green hat. HA! Not that she’s ugly. Not bad for a Zora actually, except for fins and gills. Fortunately, she happened to be the sage of water, so she can’t follow me. Think I saw Darunia flinch when she mentioned that we were already married. Ha!
Fought my own reflection, which was cool. Maybe should get a black outfit, could make me look more dangerous. Killed water boss thing. Got extension for my hookshot. Planning to use it to grab beer from afar. After all, am now of legal Hyrule drinking age.
Year 7, Day 6
Morning:
Saw Impa! Was about to ask her were Zelda was when she was attacked by monster. Stupid plot devices! Oh well. Returning to the Temple of Time because Sheik promised to teach me something. Finally, I’ll be a Ninja!
Late Morning:
Turned out she wanted to teach me another song. How much more do I need?!? Also told me I could revert to being a child by planting the sword back in. Find this an amusing sexual annotation. Since need lenses of truth, did as was told.
Being a child sucks! Being old is much cooler. Girls hit on you more.
On the plus side, found the lenses of truth! Will need to use this on Ganondorf. Was told size of his manhood was very small, which is caused him to become evil. Apparently needed to prove that he was macho by destroying the countryside. Not that I really want to see if it’s true, just want to answer the mystery once and for all.
Nightfall:
Fought in Shadow Temple. Impa is the sage of shadows! On another note, why are their medallions so useless? Also, sages starting to look like my personal harem which scares me very much. Hope Ganondorf doesn’t think I have a thing for Gorons and Zoras.
Year 7, Day 7
Morning:
Went to Gerudo country. Epona surprised me by jumping over bridge. Never expected that because still couldn’t get her to cross river to enter the old town. Horse so strange. Still, million times better than Navi.
Ganondorf must hate me so much now! Girls so pretty even if eagle noses and face jewelry are a bit odd. Booze so good. Wish they'd stop talking about how great Ganondorf is while in bed. Still, I could never leave. Tough being the Hero!
Went to the Temple of Lesbi-Spirit. Couldn’t enter because huge stone blocking area. Sheik taught me new song, but said it’s the last one. Very happy! Maybe I will be a Ninja soon?
Returned to temple as a kid, and saw Naboruu. Can understand why she’s Ganondorf’s favorite as very hot. Told her so. Said I was sweet for a kid and would date of not so short and illegal. Told her to wait seven years. She got captured by two witches who said that she has failed Ganondorf. Suspect witches are very possessive of him.
Nightfall:
Finished Temple of Spirit. Turns out two witches where Ganondorf’s mothers. Very confusing if you ask me! No wonder he is so messed up. If own past wasn’t so angsty, would feel sorry for him. Naboruu is sage of spirit!
This is looking more and more like a harem.
Year 7, Day 8
Early morning:
Well, I can’t just step into castle! Threw a rock. Nope. No invisible stairs. Darn. What to do? Will figure out later, Sheik called me for another meeting. WILL FINALLY BE A NINJA!
A few minutes later
First of all: NOT A NINJA. Bummer.
Turns out Sheik is actually princess Zelda. New outfit VERY HOT. Good idea to go hiding, but why all that music? Notice my bow so gave me some pretty arrows! Also, turns out I have the Triforce of Courage! Make sense if you ask me. Who else is brave enough to marry Zora princess for own country? Unfortunately, base of operations a little too close to Ganondorf’s castle. Captured Zelda in very pretty crystal. Triforce of Wisdom huh? Wonder how much the goddesses got drunk when they decided that! How come I didn’t get trapped into a pretty crystal? Stupid lazy bastard. Suspect jealousy that Naboruu favored me even if twenty years younger.
So what now?
Late Morning:
Crossed using a politically correct bridge. Suspect Darunia was responsible for it. Probably sulked until others agreed. Knows Saria can come up with much better idea! Lots of barriers to destroy. Off to work.
Early Afternoon:
Almost all done! Onward to battle Ganondorf. Can hear very depressing music from here. Maybe should show him my own music skills!
Haven’t forgotten about the lens of truth.
After Battle:
After all I heard, Ganondorf is very wimpy! Suspect level 1 bolt is all he knew! Tried to show off by levitating around the room so shot him with magical arrows Zelda gave me. Very pretty lights. Ganondorf was stunned, so took opportunity to hit him with my sword. Best part is that the manhood story is very true! Still, must thank him, made Navi shut up for a while.
Now to make off with Zelda and…that’s that rumbling sound?
After Ganon Battle:
He pressed the self destruct button. Probably had that installed last year. Escaped with Zelda in a very cool way. Was about to celebrate when Ganondorf turned into huge beast. Guy has great sense of fashion and dramatic entries. Knocked off my sword so used my hammer to hit his tail. Somehow managed to distract him. Must be because of hero charm.
Zelda was useless in the battle. Thought she was powerful Ninja! Very disappointed. Had to get back own sword! Still, killed him off and she sealed him into magical dimension with help of other mages.
Asked afterwards why she didn’t take out the Triforce of Power first, was answered with pouting and that I had to give Ocarina back. Apparently have to return to child form. Damn. Only seven days as an adult.
Managed to lose Navi forever by closing temple doors after her. Ignored her cries for help. I’m free!
Now plan to return to the castle, pretend to borrow the Ocarnia and run away with Epona in country very far away. Hopefully one without chickens.
CRYSTALIS IS SO MUCH THE BEST. My boyfriend is very jealous! XD As "thanks" this is all I could manage. Please forgive me!
Day 1:
Early morning:
Damn angst nightmares! Back to sleep.
Morning:
Woke up to the sound someone talking. HAVE A FAIRY! Said the great tree sent her and I had to go to him! Was so happy, showed her around to the other Kokori. Saria came by and said my new green tunic looks really hot! Mido so jealous! He stopped me near pathway to tree, so had to go get the Kokori sword and shield to threaten him. Sill wonder why we have a shop in town, since Hyrulains cannot come in to shop and Kokori can’t leave. Ahh well, off to see the Deku Tree!
Later morning:
Turns out Deku Tree was attacked by an evil man named Ganondorf. Suspect he is evil because name is REALLY LAME. Had to enter his mouth and fight giant spider to prove my worth. Tree hasn’t flossed since last century so breath was horrible. So glad when task was done! Deku tree said Ganondorf wanted to steal pretty Emerald stone. Told me I have a really cool past and I had to save the world! YAY! Now I have to go see princess Zelda. Asked him why I hadn’t had a fairy sooner, told me I would soon find out. Was also going to ask questions about my really cool real past, but he went ahead and DIED. Why can I never get answers around here? Probably to scared to tell me anyway. Suspecting very traumatic childhood.
Left village dramatically after orders of the tree but was stopped by Saria. She is looking particularly hot for being 513 years old. Gave me a shiny new instrument so we could never be apart. She is so the best! Wish we could marry.
Met an owl who told me about my journey. After he left, Navi told me we needed to go see the princess. I KNOW THE HUGE THE OWL JUST SAID THAT. Already hating my new fairy, understand what Deku Tree meant. Still, happy about this Ganondorf thing, because it’s better than being the retard of the village! Maybe I can go get a bite to eat, getting tired of Kokori diet of milk and grass.
Afternoon:
Met a girl named Malon. Has the laziest father. Told me to go see her at the farm. Only half a day out of forest and already have a date! YES!
Managed to sneak around castle using my amazing sneaking skills. Thinking about becoming a ninja! Found Zelda spying on her father and some man. Turns out to be Ganondorf! Really not a pretty guy. Nose way too long. Said she knew me from dreams. Think she’s just trying to find a good pick-up line. She is sending me off on a quest to find the stones and save her kingdom. Thinking this is a bit crazy, but will do anyway. Zelda’s cute. Her nursemaid is okay. A bit too much muscle and makeup.
Day 2:
Morning:
First stopped at the farm. Saw cute baby horse! Was afraid of my DAMN FAIRY so Malon taught me a song to calm the poor animal down. Was able to pet her after that! Aparently named Epona! Too bad her father is a total nutcase. Talk about an obsession with cuccos! I’ve always said they were evil. Suspecting he is secretly working with Ganondorf to raise a supply of mutant zombie chickens. Still think that theyare the ones responsible for the recent disappearance off most of the Hyrule kittens.
Went to Death Mountain with Zelda signature. Name of mountain not giving me much inspiration. Why can’t it be the Super Happy Friendly Mountain? Saw Gorons. Apparently Ganondorf sealed off the entrance to the mountain where they get their supply of food. Very new to this world, but already noticed they have bomb plants which could do the job. Stupid Gorons. Picky eaters. Maybe if they ate any normal rocks, would not be starving. Saw owl again. Wondering why he is following me around.
Made their king dance using song Saria taught me. Gorons dance very silly! Said something about the Hyrule king being an incompetent lout. Sent me off on a quest to kill all of the monsters so they can go eat rocks. Fat, lazy bastard.
Afternoon:
Got the Ruby stone, but forever scared. Darunia claimed I was now his blood brother even if he has no blood. Told everyone to give me a big Goron hug. Had heard Kokir horror stories about this, so ran away before they could.
Met up with owl again who told me to visit the fairy shrine. SHIT. Didn't know fairies could be more disturbing that Navi. Suspecting the owl is secretly a pervert.
Day 3:
Went to Zora Land. Very pretty land, but wonder why Zora people let a big fat fish like that rule. Starting to think all kings in Hyrule are disturbing. Found a bottle with a message from his daughter, gave that to him. Responded by saying I had to save her and gave me the bottle as a “present”. I’D RATHER HAVE THE STONE THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Then he began to slide on his throne to open a passageway. King had no boxers. My young pure Hero mind is forever disturbed.
Entered mouth of holy God Fish. Found nasty, bitchy Zora princess named Ruto. Said she had lost her mother’s jewel. Suspected is the stone I am looking for, so helped her around. She actually climbed on my head! Already very heavy for Zora, expect her to get as fat as her father. Said their god had been having stomach cramps and swallowed her up. More like she probably pissed him off and he swallowed her! Good idea, should do that with Navi! Sadly can’t digest fairies.
Ruto somehow got lost after we found the stone, so I had to rescue her from the parasite in center of fish. Then she told me she really liked me! Hero charm is working off! Gave me the sapphire saying I had some matrimony privileges in the future. Whatever that means! Probably means I have to give her my shiny green hat in the future. AS IF!
Noticing that quests are getting more and more disgusting and disturbing as adventure continues. So far been in the mouths of two magical beasts, defiantly not hoping for a third one. A Hero can only take so much bacteria. Oh well. Back to the castle!
Day 4:
Morning:
Weather turned bad unexpectedly, destroying plans for picnic. Saw Zelda run away on white horse, then was chased by Ganondorf. JUST LIKE DREAM! Unfortunately, am a bit too wimpy. Was pushed back with really gay bolt. Didn’t see that coming. Promise payback when I open the Temple of Time.
Still not sure what Zelda’s plan is. Oh well. Off to get that ocarina she dropped in the moat!
Afternoon:
After a really scary telepathy message from Zelda, I opened the Temple of Time. Asked her why she didn’t use this before while I was hunting the jewels, but she abruptly cut off. Sill not sure where Triforce is, but I can see that really SHINY SWORD in the center!
Year 7, Day 1:
WTF.
Was apparently worthy of the sword but had to be aged so could actually wield it without falling. Since afraid that I might fall off a rock and kill myself, kept me sleeping for seven years. Apparently I can’t use older weapons now because hands too big for boomerang. Actually questioning if Rauru really watched me sleep for seven years. Would rather not think about it.
Seven years. Very unfair, missed out on most of early teenage years. Apparently Ganondorf took over Hyrule while I was gone and it’s my job to kill him. Will do! Payback for that level 1 bolt he threw at me.
Returned to the temple of time and noticed I had left the door open. Woops! Learned my lesson.
MET VERY NICE PERSON NAMED SHEIK! Told me cryptic words then disappeared in a cloud of smoke! SUSPECT IS A NINJA. Probably here to teach me Ninjtstu! Can’t wait to start! New Hyrule not so bad except for rotting trees and ominous skies.
Will start journey tomorrow.
New body very flexible. Liking already.
DAMMIT! HOW COME MY EARS ARE PIERCED?!?
Year 7, Day 2:
I NOW HAVE A HORSE!
Remember Epona? Somehow she remembered me when I played that song Malon taught me a few days ago. Years ago. Whatever. Memory million times better than Navi. Plan turned out much better than expected because original was to steal a horse after knocking Ingo unconscious. Not a very pretty plan for the Hero I’ll admit, but really need horse. Field too damn tiring.
Best part is heard from Ingo that he had promised her off to Ganondorf. Happy to have arrived just in time because sure he would have given her a really shitty name. Death-something probably. Epona better on diet of carrots than kittens. Malon is really, really hot now. Too bad is not a sage!
Went to the town nearby. Cucco population seems to have dwindled, which is very good if you ask me. Heard that some ghost had very shiny treasure, so went to the cemetery. Beat him in an underground maze. Gave me the hookshot! Very nice, but already running out of room to put stuff.
Decided to return back to the forest, feel like showing off new body.
Year 7, Day 3:
Returned to Kokori forest to say hi. Apparently, old gang afraid of a few mutant plants. Wimps.
Learned from Mido that Saria disappeared in the Forest Temple. Apparently he’s still bitter that I was tree’s favorite even if legally declared dead for the last seven years. Briefly considered telling him who I am but do not want to waist brain cells. AM wearing exactly the same tunic when I last left, after all. Also still have that talking excuse for a fairy, Navi. Blond guy with green outfit and talking fairy?
You’d think he could put two and two together.
Saw Sheik who taught my very pretty song with harp. Assume Ninjas must be skilled in an instrument to be cool.
Forest temple great! Ganondorf really turned the dull place around into the best haunted house ever! Very scared throughout, especially with the flaming skulls and vomit-worthy turning rooms. Found a VERY SHINY BOW! Amazed self at who easy it is to handle. Almost makes up for boomerang. Was annoyed with having to fight Poes, but payoff was big when met Phantom Ganondorf. So glad to have a spare tunic!
Kicked his ass and learned that Saria is the forest sage. Very pleased for her, only Kokori who had sense. Would date if wasn’t for height and species difference. Learned from new tree sprout that I was a Hyrulian. As if I hadn’t figured out that part already! On plus side, very angst past.
Best part is I’ve decided that Mido gets to worry if she’s alright forever. HA!
Navi says we have to go to Death Mountain next. Does she ever shut up? Since refusing would result in more nagging, heading off now.
Year 7, Day 4:
Morning:
I MIGHT HAVE A LONG LOST TWIN BROTHER!!
Was walking up the mountain when I tapped on the shoulder by some men who claimed to know me. When I turned around they realized it was not the case, so asked if this was Death Mountain (suspecting every dangerous volcano TO BE NAMED THE SAME WAY) where they could burn the "one ring". Told them it was called Death Mountain, but was probably not the one they were looking for since had never heard of Gorons destroying jewelery in mountain. Muttered a bunch of curses between themselves and being late for a very important fight. Then asked if I had seen hobbits with a "one ring". Had no idea what hobbits were, so said no. Suspect hobbits steal rings to burn them. Noticed that one man was looking at my bow, so proceeded to amazing them with my natural agility and archery skills. They were very impressed! Told me I could have been the twin of a “prancing ninny” who also had really pretty blonde hair, same pointy ears, wore green and could also really shoot well! No idea what a prancing ninny is, but assume to be high form of compliment! Maybe honorary ninja! Exchanged a red tunic they had found for a map. Needed a new tunic since one Goron kid gave was too big. Uhh. Still can’t believe the giant bastard named his son after me. Off to save him and his clan now. Sometimes it’s tough being the Hero.
Afternoon:
Great.
How am I supposed to fit a giant hammer in my leggings?
Turned out Darunia was the sage of fire. Very happy with the outcome, it means he won’t be chasing me for more of those “Goron hugs”. Was going to break to him that I didn’t want to be his blood brother, but thought he might sulk and refuse to work with the other sages. Noticed he was looking funny at Rauru. Ha! Leave him to deal with Goron King for all I care. Worried about leaving Saria with those two. Might be bad for her health.
Year 7, Day 5:
Morning:
Navi suggested I get iron boots so I could get into the water temple.
Gee Navi, don’t think the hammer is weight enough?
Stupid fairy.
Maybe should feed her to Epona. Horse so great, best companion animal ever. Too bad can’t swim or cross brooks.
Arrived at Zora Land. One word: Zorasicles. Never seen ice before! Probably not good to eat, although got stuck on lake for hours because tongue was frozen due to own curiosity. Should have packed a coat of some sort because stockings not kind to legs.
Not sure if should unfreeze king.
Afternoon:
Ice cavern very pretty despite being so cold. Got another music lesson. Hoping Sheik will teach me how to be a ninja soon!
Went to the Water temple. Met up with Ruto. Said I have to keep good on my promise to marry her. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? Claimed that the sapphire was the Zora stone of marriage. This is not in my Hero contract. Suspect she wants me to carry her eggs in my very pretty green hat. HA! Not that she’s ugly. Not bad for a Zora actually, except for fins and gills. Fortunately, she happened to be the sage of water, so she can’t follow me. Think I saw Darunia flinch when she mentioned that we were already married. Ha!
Fought my own reflection, which was cool. Maybe should get a black outfit, could make me look more dangerous. Killed water boss thing. Got extension for my hookshot. Planning to use it to grab beer from afar. After all, am now of legal Hyrule drinking age.
Year 7, Day 6
Morning:
Saw Impa! Was about to ask her were Zelda was when she was attacked by monster. Stupid plot devices! Oh well. Returning to the Temple of Time because Sheik promised to teach me something. Finally, I’ll be a Ninja!
Late Morning:
Turned out she wanted to teach me another song. How much more do I need?!? Also told me I could revert to being a child by planting the sword back in. Find this an amusing sexual annotation. Since need lenses of truth, did as was told.
Being a child sucks! Being old is much cooler. Girls hit on you more.
On the plus side, found the lenses of truth! Will need to use this on Ganondorf. Was told size of his manhood was very small, which is caused him to become evil. Apparently needed to prove that he was macho by destroying the countryside. Not that I really want to see if it’s true, just want to answer the mystery once and for all.
Nightfall:
Fought in Shadow Temple. Impa is the sage of shadows! On another note, why are their medallions so useless? Also, sages starting to look like my personal harem which scares me very much. Hope Ganondorf doesn’t think I have a thing for Gorons and Zoras.
Year 7, Day 7
Morning:
Went to Gerudo country. Epona surprised me by jumping over bridge. Never expected that because still couldn’t get her to cross river to enter the old town. Horse so strange. Still, million times better than Navi.
Ganondorf must hate me so much now! Girls so pretty even if eagle noses and face jewelry are a bit odd. Booze so good. Wish they'd stop talking about how great Ganondorf is while in bed. Still, I could never leave. Tough being the Hero!
Went to the Temple of Lesbi-Spirit. Couldn’t enter because huge stone blocking area. Sheik taught me new song, but said it’s the last one. Very happy! Maybe I will be a Ninja soon?
Returned to temple as a kid, and saw Naboruu. Can understand why she’s Ganondorf’s favorite as very hot. Told her so. Said I was sweet for a kid and would date of not so short and illegal. Told her to wait seven years. She got captured by two witches who said that she has failed Ganondorf. Suspect witches are very possessive of him.
Nightfall:
Finished Temple of Spirit. Turns out two witches where Ganondorf’s mothers. Very confusing if you ask me! No wonder he is so messed up. If own past wasn’t so angsty, would feel sorry for him. Naboruu is sage of spirit!
This is looking more and more like a harem.
Year 7, Day 8
Early morning:
Well, I can’t just step into castle! Threw a rock. Nope. No invisible stairs. Darn. What to do? Will figure out later, Sheik called me for another meeting. WILL FINALLY BE A NINJA!
A few minutes later
First of all: NOT A NINJA. Bummer.
Turns out Sheik is actually princess Zelda. New outfit VERY HOT. Good idea to go hiding, but why all that music? Notice my bow so gave me some pretty arrows! Also, turns out I have the Triforce of Courage! Make sense if you ask me. Who else is brave enough to marry Zora princess for own country? Unfortunately, base of operations a little too close to Ganondorf’s castle. Captured Zelda in very pretty crystal. Triforce of Wisdom huh? Wonder how much the goddesses got drunk when they decided that! How come I didn’t get trapped into a pretty crystal? Stupid lazy bastard. Suspect jealousy that Naboruu favored me even if twenty years younger.
So what now?
Late Morning:
Crossed using a politically correct bridge. Suspect Darunia was responsible for it. Probably sulked until others agreed. Knows Saria can come up with much better idea! Lots of barriers to destroy. Off to work.
Early Afternoon:
Almost all done! Onward to battle Ganondorf. Can hear very depressing music from here. Maybe should show him my own music skills!
Haven’t forgotten about the lens of truth.
After Battle:
After all I heard, Ganondorf is very wimpy! Suspect level 1 bolt is all he knew! Tried to show off by levitating around the room so shot him with magical arrows Zelda gave me. Very pretty lights. Ganondorf was stunned, so took opportunity to hit him with my sword. Best part is that the manhood story is very true! Still, must thank him, made Navi shut up for a while.
Now to make off with Zelda and…that’s that rumbling sound?
After Ganon Battle:
He pressed the self destruct button. Probably had that installed last year. Escaped with Zelda in a very cool way. Was about to celebrate when Ganondorf turned into huge beast. Guy has great sense of fashion and dramatic entries. Knocked off my sword so used my hammer to hit his tail. Somehow managed to distract him. Must be because of hero charm.
Zelda was useless in the battle. Thought she was powerful Ninja! Very disappointed. Had to get back own sword! Still, killed him off and she sealed him into magical dimension with help of other mages.
Asked afterwards why she didn’t take out the Triforce of Power first, was answered with pouting and that I had to give Ocarina back. Apparently have to return to child form. Damn. Only seven days as an adult.
Managed to lose Navi forever by closing temple doors after her. Ignored her cries for help. I’m free!
Now plan to return to the castle, pretend to borrow the Ocarnia and run away with Epona in country very far away. Hopefully one without chickens.