Time
I've decided it's impossible to define time. You can do a lot with it; you can save, waste, make, lose track of, buy, rearange, remember a certain or forget a certain time, but you can't define it. I guess you could say it's a given significant period of your interval choice, but that's too open-ended to be a defination.
I really don't think time is what matters anyway. Time intervals, such as moments, are more apt in the human mind to be remembered and deemed significant. meaning roughly "remember that time when...." only half signifies what you're trying to say because in reality whatever you're talking about happened during a time interval thus singling out an event or period of events significant to your memory. So broad a concept, it shouldn't have a name.
Just a thought.
So speaking of periodic intervals, i feel i am wasting my given interval choices anymore. I'm alone, no matter where i am or who im with. excuse me for sounding inappreciative of what i have (which i am NOT, by any means) but i feel so entirely out of place with everyone and everything i come in contact with that i honestly don't know why i bother. i pray for patience and understanding but the more i think i feel these things, the further i fall back into my own pessimistic seclusion.
Thus enducing and motivating my efforts to fill my ulitmate potential of patience and understanding. i will get this one day, i swear it. it took me six full years to pull myself out of 'cold heartless undeniable ruthless selfish bitch' mode, and my sister will fully attest to this claim.
::shameless plug:: of all the people in this world i need to apologize to, she's the only one i'd forget everything for and strive the rest of my life to acquire forgiveness from. ::end shameless plug::
Getting back to wasting my moments:
i wasted a good 16 years of my life trying to please someone who sought self gratification in criticism. my childhood is so filled with self disappointment due to this that i've repressed almost every memory of anything before the age of 10. i figured this out when my brother was trying to tell me about some stuff we used to do... can't remember a damn thing about it. all the memories i've let myself keep of my brother and my sister (as a threefold) are basically my sophomore year of high school on. and that's sad. it's a huge chunk of life that could have been spent establishing personality and goals.
now i just feel like im at the beginning.
it doesn't help that this place is so mediocre (...it's unbelievable). i can't be any fragment of myself here due to the fact that everyone seems to be practicing to be the judge on judgement day. i don't play that way. and not playing that way makes me different and unwanted. the goals i've set for myself don't apply here, either, because no one embraces the fact that im not as fake as 90% of the student body here. my main goal is to just be open and willing to listen to anyone and everyone who needs it. that's what makes me happy. happiness comes in a duo form for me... it's of straight up honesty and straightforwardness, and it's of seeing the people i care about making each other happy.
why that is so hard to understand, i'll never know. i've pulled myself away from what i used to be and im striving with all my existance to be genuine and that is so incredibly hard to do when no one believes my intentions are nothing but good. im changing (and definately by the grace of God) to be a better person and i've tried to start that by making everyone around me feel loved and respected, even if it's only by one person.
i give that love and respect without expectation of receiving, but.... is it too much to say a once in a while reciprocation would be nice?
honest opinions only please.
I really don't think time is what matters anyway. Time intervals, such as moments, are more apt in the human mind to be remembered and deemed significant. meaning roughly "remember that time when...." only half signifies what you're trying to say because in reality whatever you're talking about happened during a time interval thus singling out an event or period of events significant to your memory. So broad a concept, it shouldn't have a name.
Just a thought.
So speaking of periodic intervals, i feel i am wasting my given interval choices anymore. I'm alone, no matter where i am or who im with. excuse me for sounding inappreciative of what i have (which i am NOT, by any means) but i feel so entirely out of place with everyone and everything i come in contact with that i honestly don't know why i bother. i pray for patience and understanding but the more i think i feel these things, the further i fall back into my own pessimistic seclusion.
Thus enducing and motivating my efforts to fill my ulitmate potential of patience and understanding. i will get this one day, i swear it. it took me six full years to pull myself out of 'cold heartless undeniable ruthless selfish bitch' mode, and my sister will fully attest to this claim.
::shameless plug:: of all the people in this world i need to apologize to, she's the only one i'd forget everything for and strive the rest of my life to acquire forgiveness from. ::end shameless plug::
Getting back to wasting my moments:
i wasted a good 16 years of my life trying to please someone who sought self gratification in criticism. my childhood is so filled with self disappointment due to this that i've repressed almost every memory of anything before the age of 10. i figured this out when my brother was trying to tell me about some stuff we used to do... can't remember a damn thing about it. all the memories i've let myself keep of my brother and my sister (as a threefold) are basically my sophomore year of high school on. and that's sad. it's a huge chunk of life that could have been spent establishing personality and goals.
now i just feel like im at the beginning.
it doesn't help that this place is so mediocre (...it's unbelievable). i can't be any fragment of myself here due to the fact that everyone seems to be practicing to be the judge on judgement day. i don't play that way. and not playing that way makes me different and unwanted. the goals i've set for myself don't apply here, either, because no one embraces the fact that im not as fake as 90% of the student body here. my main goal is to just be open and willing to listen to anyone and everyone who needs it. that's what makes me happy. happiness comes in a duo form for me... it's of straight up honesty and straightforwardness, and it's of seeing the people i care about making each other happy.
why that is so hard to understand, i'll never know. i've pulled myself away from what i used to be and im striving with all my existance to be genuine and that is so incredibly hard to do when no one believes my intentions are nothing but good. im changing (and definately by the grace of God) to be a better person and i've tried to start that by making everyone around me feel loved and respected, even if it's only by one person.
i give that love and respect without expectation of receiving, but.... is it too much to say a once in a while reciprocation would be nice?
honest opinions only please.