(no subject)
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
I feel like Im losing touch with everything....Something is very wrong... I cant pin point it, but its bringing me down... deeper...further...and I feel like ill never be able to crawl out...
I still hurt so bad about him ripping the pictures of us off of my walls.... Every time i look at that spot in my room I get and empty feeling... I havent had the heart to hang them up again for fear of them being torn down in spite of another petty argument....But that action... that VERY action... started the process of my downfall.
And here i sit... depressed and lonely....I feel as if ive lost everyone.
What have i done?!
Teddy and i were the closest of friends... and i let a fight between his mom and i get between our friendship... now hes moving...
Jake hung out with me every day... I feel like i lost him to drugs...I dont even know who he is anymore...
Britney and i got into drama and ended everything...
I just feel that i've pushed everyone out of my life that was important me....
And here i am... my only santuary: John.
I cant...
I cant do this...
The constant screaming in my face because I cant/wont go to school... Im not skipping to go get high with my friends...or to spend time with john... when im not @ skool...im sleeping...I sleep all the time... Its just the extreme urge to have to sleep... physically and mentally...I cant stay awake...its like im hiding...im not doing it to make anyone mad.. i promise... im really not...
so much is going on... my grades are falling because i dont go to school and im soooo far behind... i get screamed at for not going...
but... no one understands...
No one.
Ive let my body go... im trying sooo hard... but i have soo much going on...
Im screaming inside and no one hears me...
I would do anythign to talk face to face about this... but i feel like they wouldnt even understand... not even mel or korr...
I feel like even they would laugh at me or tell me to just get over it... or i dont know..maybe...
Im sorry teddy... for letting things get between us...
Im sorry jake for letting you go...
im sorry britney for holding a grudge... im sorry to my mom for making her life hell...
im sorry...
im soo soo sorry.. to everyone...