FanFic - Twight - Chapter 2
So, I'm not able to keep myself from staying in reality, I guess is a good way to put it. The doctors come in and out of the room constantly to check on me, run tests and take vitals. Pam visits as often as she can, it's nice I guess but it just makes the hole inside grow deeper. She talks about how busy Jacob is and how my kids are. Jacob has visited me once in the past almost 2 weeks I've been here and even when he was here, I could tell he didn't want to be. He was on his phone almost the entire time and not really talking, not like he did towards me anyways. I finally ended up telling him if he wanted to be somewhere else then go ahead and leave. He grunted, mumbled "I love you", and gave me a light peck then left. It's fine really because I mean, it's not like being in the hospital is that important and he has better places to be then with a current invalid, ya know? I'm blamed for his unhappiness so I'm always telling him go do whatever makes you happy and sometimes, I have a weird feeling he does but doesn't tell me what.
I think had another session where I zoned out because it's almost dark out. I hear some nurses conversing about me and my condition saying something about I may not recover fully but the doctor seems optimistic. I wonder what would happen if I proved the doctor wrong and just took a turn for the worst on the road to not recovering. I mean, people who get shot and fall down some stairs can die from that right? I honestly have no will to have that optimistic recovery that doctor thinks I'll have. My hospital phone doesn't ring. I don't even know where my cell is either but I doubt that has any messages of any sort on it. It's not like anyone really cares, they all say they do but, they don't. You can hear it in their voices and see it in their eyes. The nurses come in because, I guess the monitors show my levels are becoming elevated due to me trying not to burst into tears again. I've gotten real good about holding them in so, I don't get called a cry-baby.
"Mrs. Black, I have some good news!", I hate how this doctor sounds all cheery, "You can get released in the next couple days!" And cue that stupid doctor smile I swear they learned in school.
I'm just nodding, pretending to actually care about the rest of what he says. All he's saying is how I get to go back to my life of doing nothing, being nobody and a doormat in life. I get to go back to taking care of my kids, feeling the ache and hearing how I'm never going to be good enough or what he wants anymore. I thought love was unconditional? It's not, that was all a lie. I get to go back to saying my mantra and silently crying myself to sleep, hoping that eases whatever it is growing inside of me. I think the doctor is waiting for some sort of response because, I hear my name again and I think he knows I've zoned out so, I may have to hear this such awesome news again.
"Yeah I'm listening. That's great, just lemme know when to start packing up my stuff to get home. I can't wait to see my kids." I try to respond in a tone that won't trigger any alarms.
"That's great to hear! Now are you experiencing any pain currently? We want to try to manage this as much as possible before you leave so you're not so dependent on what we may prescribe you, Mrs. Black."
I cringe a little at hearing my married name and I think the doctor noticed, "A little but I'm sure I'll be fine within the next time you want me in for a check up. I'm not going to get addicted to anything you prescribe me." Not like I'll admit what I might do with them but, to each their own.
"Well, you'll have to come back in a month from now for a full check up to see how you're healing. Other than that, the next 48 hours are crucial and are really just for monitoring for your release." He's now writing something on his papered clip board and I'm sure it's about the cringe or something in what I said.
"Great. Can't wait." I fake the smile I always give and I know I've gotten it down to perfection that it's almost flawless.
"Now will your husband be picking you up or a friend? Do you can a ride or do we need to schedule something?" Now I know the nurses were chatting away about only seeing my husband once in the time I've been here, which now feels like forever and longer.
"I'll just make arrangements with my insurance. I don't want to bother him. He's really busy, ya know?" Another fake smile crosses my face in saying this lie.
"Well normally we prefer if your husband or a friend picks you up so that way if you need at home care, we can explain the instructions to them." I can tell he's not letting this go and will continue pushing the subject which only makes me feel more unimportant in life.
"Just tell me and print them out, I'll be fine. Besides, like I said, he's really busy and I'm sure I can make it home without tearing anything from ya'lls handy work." I'm trying to hold my composure and I know if he continues then, I'll fail.
"Alright well make those arrangements and I'll talk to you later, okay?" I feel his hand touch my arm briefly and I look up at his eyes. I now know he suspects something is wrong but, as long as he doesn't voice it then, I'll be fine.
The next 2 days go by in a blur with questions thrown in my face and I just give them robotic answers that come to mind. I appease them with what they want to hear so, I know I'm doing good. I sign some forms indicating the instructions for my release and the nurse in my room currently is helping to pack my things. She tells me that the cab is waiting downstairs at the main doors and she'll have somebody escort me there. They don't send one to escort me but 2. One of them is pushing the trolley cart with my things and the other insists on me in a wheel chair like I'm some sort of invalid. The cab driver and the trolley person load my things in the cab while I'm "helped" into the backseat of the cab. They asked a couple more questions then, nod like I've said all the right answers and I begin my journey home. Everything is blurring together and the wind on my face calms the tears threatening to come out. I know only my kids are waiting for me and that hurts the most, I think. I repeat I'll be fine to myself and I love my kids for the entire ride to my house. My house? I didn't call it home or our house, it isn't my house, it's his house. I have 20 more minutes till I crest my driveway and I take the time to close my eyes for the rest of the ride listening to the droning noise of my ride.
I feel a finger poke my shoulder and a voice I don't recognize say my name. I must've actually slept during the ride because I open my eyes to see the house in front of me. I get asked if I'm alright and I just smile nodding. I let the cab driver to just bring my stuff to the porch and I'll get it inside. He does this rather quickly and I'm sitting on the chair waiting for the last bit. He nods at me as he gets in his cab and drives off to pick up the next more deserving person. I go around back and shove the back gate open enough for me to slip through. Now, my next feat is getting inside the house. I began checking the windows, locked but the back door, jiggles enough for me to lift it so the lock doesn't catch. I hear nothing in the house which means nobody is there so, I grab my things from the porch and put them in the living room. I grab a water from the fridge and go to my, err his, room. My cats greet me at least and follow me to the bathroom. It'll be nice to finally relax in a shower that has adjustable settings and tub that I know. The steam begins to rise and I make sure I have my change of clothes along with my towel at the ready. I sink into the tub and think it's probably my own fault nobody is here since, I didn't tell anyone. Why should I? I'd just be a nuisance to them and I'd get in the way of the more important things they're doing. The water feels like a thousand fires waging angry wars on my skin making the tears subside due to the steam. I scrub the hospital smells off the best I can and get my hair tamed before I get out. As I turn the water completely off, I hear footsteps. Maybe, it's another burglar to finish the job up so, ya know, no loose ends are left behind.
I'm dressed and sitting on the bed waiting for whoever it is to appear. It's just my cats to my dismay but, they begin shoving themselves into me for attention I'm sure he didn't give them. My phone never once goes off the 2 hours I'm at this house. I pull my hair into a ponytail and lay down curled up with pillows along with my cats who seem to not want to leave me. I must've been in deep enough sleep because, by the time I get pulled out, I can tell it's dark out and there's a voice that sounds aggravated at me. I take a deep breath and sign internally knowing I'm in trouble already because, it's Jacob's voice and I know it anywhere.
"When did you get here?" Of course, it's not a glad you're out why didn't you call me greeting but more aggravation and uncaring.
I look at my phone's angry bright screen then, I chance at look at him responding to a text I'm sure is some person he's replacing me with. "A few hours ago. I didn't realize I even was sleeping till you shoved my shoulder." Not lovingly waking up his wife who just got out of the hospital.
"Well, the kids will be here in the morning then and you'll have to take care of them since you've been gone for so long. I have to get back to work." He doesn't even look at me while informing me I get no rest like I was told to but, it's fine. I'll rest when I'm dead which I'm sure will be soon if my oldest hasn't changed her attitude. I hear him grunt his "I love you." to me but it just sounds empty, loveless now that I can't even bear to hear it but, I do.
"Yeah that's fine. I'll apologize for whoever was watching them for so long. I'll just get back to sleep then, bring my stuff up in the morning." He nods then says something about I better get the shit outta the way and put up because, it's taking up room and its a mess.
I watch him walk out of the room till I can't see him anymore and I get up to grab my pills. Oh, the beautiful little pills that the wonderful doctor prescribed will make me go into a wakeless slumber of nightmares like normal. I take one more than what's prescribed and lay back down realizing I can't get the tears to release. My eyes begin to droop and I finally give into their desires of darkness. In my head, I tell myself tomorrow is another day and another day means trying to live in a moment that doesn't exist anymore because, I'm a mistake that should've never happened. At some point with the battle of words in my head, they just fade away and I know now I'm in the complete abyss of darkness ready for the nightmares to come that I can't wake myself from this time. Bring it on, little demons, I welcome you now.
I think had another session where I zoned out because it's almost dark out. I hear some nurses conversing about me and my condition saying something about I may not recover fully but the doctor seems optimistic. I wonder what would happen if I proved the doctor wrong and just took a turn for the worst on the road to not recovering. I mean, people who get shot and fall down some stairs can die from that right? I honestly have no will to have that optimistic recovery that doctor thinks I'll have. My hospital phone doesn't ring. I don't even know where my cell is either but I doubt that has any messages of any sort on it. It's not like anyone really cares, they all say they do but, they don't. You can hear it in their voices and see it in their eyes. The nurses come in because, I guess the monitors show my levels are becoming elevated due to me trying not to burst into tears again. I've gotten real good about holding them in so, I don't get called a cry-baby.
"Mrs. Black, I have some good news!", I hate how this doctor sounds all cheery, "You can get released in the next couple days!" And cue that stupid doctor smile I swear they learned in school.
I'm just nodding, pretending to actually care about the rest of what he says. All he's saying is how I get to go back to my life of doing nothing, being nobody and a doormat in life. I get to go back to taking care of my kids, feeling the ache and hearing how I'm never going to be good enough or what he wants anymore. I thought love was unconditional? It's not, that was all a lie. I get to go back to saying my mantra and silently crying myself to sleep, hoping that eases whatever it is growing inside of me. I think the doctor is waiting for some sort of response because, I hear my name again and I think he knows I've zoned out so, I may have to hear this such awesome news again.
"Yeah I'm listening. That's great, just lemme know when to start packing up my stuff to get home. I can't wait to see my kids." I try to respond in a tone that won't trigger any alarms.
"That's great to hear! Now are you experiencing any pain currently? We want to try to manage this as much as possible before you leave so you're not so dependent on what we may prescribe you, Mrs. Black."
I cringe a little at hearing my married name and I think the doctor noticed, "A little but I'm sure I'll be fine within the next time you want me in for a check up. I'm not going to get addicted to anything you prescribe me." Not like I'll admit what I might do with them but, to each their own.
"Well, you'll have to come back in a month from now for a full check up to see how you're healing. Other than that, the next 48 hours are crucial and are really just for monitoring for your release." He's now writing something on his papered clip board and I'm sure it's about the cringe or something in what I said.
"Great. Can't wait." I fake the smile I always give and I know I've gotten it down to perfection that it's almost flawless.
"Now will your husband be picking you up or a friend? Do you can a ride or do we need to schedule something?" Now I know the nurses were chatting away about only seeing my husband once in the time I've been here, which now feels like forever and longer.
"I'll just make arrangements with my insurance. I don't want to bother him. He's really busy, ya know?" Another fake smile crosses my face in saying this lie.
"Well normally we prefer if your husband or a friend picks you up so that way if you need at home care, we can explain the instructions to them." I can tell he's not letting this go and will continue pushing the subject which only makes me feel more unimportant in life.
"Just tell me and print them out, I'll be fine. Besides, like I said, he's really busy and I'm sure I can make it home without tearing anything from ya'lls handy work." I'm trying to hold my composure and I know if he continues then, I'll fail.
"Alright well make those arrangements and I'll talk to you later, okay?" I feel his hand touch my arm briefly and I look up at his eyes. I now know he suspects something is wrong but, as long as he doesn't voice it then, I'll be fine.
The next 2 days go by in a blur with questions thrown in my face and I just give them robotic answers that come to mind. I appease them with what they want to hear so, I know I'm doing good. I sign some forms indicating the instructions for my release and the nurse in my room currently is helping to pack my things. She tells me that the cab is waiting downstairs at the main doors and she'll have somebody escort me there. They don't send one to escort me but 2. One of them is pushing the trolley cart with my things and the other insists on me in a wheel chair like I'm some sort of invalid. The cab driver and the trolley person load my things in the cab while I'm "helped" into the backseat of the cab. They asked a couple more questions then, nod like I've said all the right answers and I begin my journey home. Everything is blurring together and the wind on my face calms the tears threatening to come out. I know only my kids are waiting for me and that hurts the most, I think. I repeat I'll be fine to myself and I love my kids for the entire ride to my house. My house? I didn't call it home or our house, it isn't my house, it's his house. I have 20 more minutes till I crest my driveway and I take the time to close my eyes for the rest of the ride listening to the droning noise of my ride.
I feel a finger poke my shoulder and a voice I don't recognize say my name. I must've actually slept during the ride because I open my eyes to see the house in front of me. I get asked if I'm alright and I just smile nodding. I let the cab driver to just bring my stuff to the porch and I'll get it inside. He does this rather quickly and I'm sitting on the chair waiting for the last bit. He nods at me as he gets in his cab and drives off to pick up the next more deserving person. I go around back and shove the back gate open enough for me to slip through. Now, my next feat is getting inside the house. I began checking the windows, locked but the back door, jiggles enough for me to lift it so the lock doesn't catch. I hear nothing in the house which means nobody is there so, I grab my things from the porch and put them in the living room. I grab a water from the fridge and go to my, err his, room. My cats greet me at least and follow me to the bathroom. It'll be nice to finally relax in a shower that has adjustable settings and tub that I know. The steam begins to rise and I make sure I have my change of clothes along with my towel at the ready. I sink into the tub and think it's probably my own fault nobody is here since, I didn't tell anyone. Why should I? I'd just be a nuisance to them and I'd get in the way of the more important things they're doing. The water feels like a thousand fires waging angry wars on my skin making the tears subside due to the steam. I scrub the hospital smells off the best I can and get my hair tamed before I get out. As I turn the water completely off, I hear footsteps. Maybe, it's another burglar to finish the job up so, ya know, no loose ends are left behind.
I'm dressed and sitting on the bed waiting for whoever it is to appear. It's just my cats to my dismay but, they begin shoving themselves into me for attention I'm sure he didn't give them. My phone never once goes off the 2 hours I'm at this house. I pull my hair into a ponytail and lay down curled up with pillows along with my cats who seem to not want to leave me. I must've been in deep enough sleep because, by the time I get pulled out, I can tell it's dark out and there's a voice that sounds aggravated at me. I take a deep breath and sign internally knowing I'm in trouble already because, it's Jacob's voice and I know it anywhere.
"When did you get here?" Of course, it's not a glad you're out why didn't you call me greeting but more aggravation and uncaring.
I look at my phone's angry bright screen then, I chance at look at him responding to a text I'm sure is some person he's replacing me with. "A few hours ago. I didn't realize I even was sleeping till you shoved my shoulder." Not lovingly waking up his wife who just got out of the hospital.
"Well, the kids will be here in the morning then and you'll have to take care of them since you've been gone for so long. I have to get back to work." He doesn't even look at me while informing me I get no rest like I was told to but, it's fine. I'll rest when I'm dead which I'm sure will be soon if my oldest hasn't changed her attitude. I hear him grunt his "I love you." to me but it just sounds empty, loveless now that I can't even bear to hear it but, I do.
"Yeah that's fine. I'll apologize for whoever was watching them for so long. I'll just get back to sleep then, bring my stuff up in the morning." He nods then says something about I better get the shit outta the way and put up because, it's taking up room and its a mess.
I watch him walk out of the room till I can't see him anymore and I get up to grab my pills. Oh, the beautiful little pills that the wonderful doctor prescribed will make me go into a wakeless slumber of nightmares like normal. I take one more than what's prescribed and lay back down realizing I can't get the tears to release. My eyes begin to droop and I finally give into their desires of darkness. In my head, I tell myself tomorrow is another day and another day means trying to live in a moment that doesn't exist anymore because, I'm a mistake that should've never happened. At some point with the battle of words in my head, they just fade away and I know now I'm in the complete abyss of darkness ready for the nightmares to come that I can't wake myself from this time. Bring it on, little demons, I welcome you now.