what? oh hi there...
well its really late and im not in bed but i am on livejournal for the first time in a long time.
i used to use this a lot. i don't feel like i need to anymore.
its a good way to remember...i love to look back and read my entries. because ultimately, they weren't ever for you. they were all for me.
alex used to tell me i run away from things. alex was right.
i want to be touched, i want to be held, i want to smile and mean it more than i've ever meant it in my whole life. i want someone to whisper things in my ear that make me close my eyes.
i want all of that.
i want not to leave texas. i want to cling every last second to what i have here, because i can feel it being torn away from me every single moment of the day. i want to wrap myself up in my friends and memorize the sound of their laughter. i want to capture each of them and take them with me.
i thought today that maybe i would take pictures of them. portraits, an attempt to capture their essence. i can picture how each one of them would look. these are all memories and moments and expressions burned into my mind. i realized that i don't need to capture these moments because they're already frozen for me.
i've been writing letters to each of them, slowly, searching for the perfect words to say what it is i'm feeling. i work a little bit on each letter every day. a sentence here, there, the words dancing their way into a rhythm, the same rhythm this person has brought to my life.
i love them so much it hurts.
but i guess it's a little bit at a time. still every time one of them wraps their arms around me and holds me close and says, "i will miss you so much," i have to stop. i love and hate these moments. these moments are real, these moments are scary. i breathe in everything that happens in those few seconds. these are the things i live for. the pain and love is so raw in the air that i can taste it, choking me up if only for a second. then blip, the moment is gone and life has picked up a pace again.
too many of these moments would suffocate me.
instead, i like the quieter ones: moments in the parking lot of a restaurant where we all stand and get bit by bugs just to speak a few seconds longer; eating someone's 1st, 2nd, then 3rd batch of cookies and being honest...or semi-honest about the results; finding a good song on the radio, rolling down the windows and singing along; the genuine smile of a friend; stella tuesdays; swimming at night without the lights on; and having moments that are not really but still kind of are 100% degrassi intense.
i want this kind of wonderful for always.
i used to use this a lot. i don't feel like i need to anymore.
its a good way to remember...i love to look back and read my entries. because ultimately, they weren't ever for you. they were all for me.
alex used to tell me i run away from things. alex was right.
i want to be touched, i want to be held, i want to smile and mean it more than i've ever meant it in my whole life. i want someone to whisper things in my ear that make me close my eyes.
i want all of that.
i want not to leave texas. i want to cling every last second to what i have here, because i can feel it being torn away from me every single moment of the day. i want to wrap myself up in my friends and memorize the sound of their laughter. i want to capture each of them and take them with me.
i thought today that maybe i would take pictures of them. portraits, an attempt to capture their essence. i can picture how each one of them would look. these are all memories and moments and expressions burned into my mind. i realized that i don't need to capture these moments because they're already frozen for me.
i've been writing letters to each of them, slowly, searching for the perfect words to say what it is i'm feeling. i work a little bit on each letter every day. a sentence here, there, the words dancing their way into a rhythm, the same rhythm this person has brought to my life.
i love them so much it hurts.
but i guess it's a little bit at a time. still every time one of them wraps their arms around me and holds me close and says, "i will miss you so much," i have to stop. i love and hate these moments. these moments are real, these moments are scary. i breathe in everything that happens in those few seconds. these are the things i live for. the pain and love is so raw in the air that i can taste it, choking me up if only for a second. then blip, the moment is gone and life has picked up a pace again.
too many of these moments would suffocate me.
instead, i like the quieter ones: moments in the parking lot of a restaurant where we all stand and get bit by bugs just to speak a few seconds longer; eating someone's 1st, 2nd, then 3rd batch of cookies and being honest...or semi-honest about the results; finding a good song on the radio, rolling down the windows and singing along; the genuine smile of a friend; stella tuesdays; swimming at night without the lights on; and having moments that are not really but still kind of are 100% degrassi intense.
i want this kind of wonderful for always.