Dramarama
I haven't posted for awhile, which is something too big to get into, so I'll just keep this to the current situation at hand. Which is that my mother's roommate has shown her psychotic true colors and after a brief war of letters, will be moving out soon. Now, this in itself is disturbing enough, creating visions in my head of "I will not be ignored" carnage, but more than that, it's the feeling of responsibility that's weighing me down.
All my life I have felt that to a certain extent I've been carrying my parents and their misfortunes along with my own personal bundle of woes. If I went into therapy, they'd tell me that I'm not responsible for anyone but myself and my actions and to put down the cross because someone needs the wood. I know this, I really do.
It's just that, in order to be a good person and do the right thing, how far do you have to go? Is saying "I'm sorry and things will work out" enough? Or do you need to go that extra mile and bind your life choices to theirs to make sure that they're taken care of?
I love my parents, even though they've both contributed to how messed up I am, but do I want to think about them every day? Do I want to see them more than once a week? Wouldn't it be nice to purely live for yourself and no one else? To go off an do something hare-brained and wild when you want to and not consider how it would make others look/feel/react? All my life I've been worried about other people and making sure they're all right, that they feel beautiful, loved and included, that no one gets their toes stepped on, that they get their dreams and wishes fulfilled, that they're happy and thriving. Do I factor in there somewhere? Clearly, not so much.
I'm so tired of being tired and worried all the time!
In other news, I was scrolling through my unfinished stories and came across the SPN fanfic I'd started on but hadn't quite decided how to end. I liked how Dean turned out a lot more than Sam, but I think with a little polishing and some decisions on where the hell it's ultimately going, this could be a nice little fic. Maybe I'll try to work on that and not worry about the other stuff.
All my life I have felt that to a certain extent I've been carrying my parents and their misfortunes along with my own personal bundle of woes. If I went into therapy, they'd tell me that I'm not responsible for anyone but myself and my actions and to put down the cross because someone needs the wood. I know this, I really do.
It's just that, in order to be a good person and do the right thing, how far do you have to go? Is saying "I'm sorry and things will work out" enough? Or do you need to go that extra mile and bind your life choices to theirs to make sure that they're taken care of?
I love my parents, even though they've both contributed to how messed up I am, but do I want to think about them every day? Do I want to see them more than once a week? Wouldn't it be nice to purely live for yourself and no one else? To go off an do something hare-brained and wild when you want to and not consider how it would make others look/feel/react? All my life I've been worried about other people and making sure they're all right, that they feel beautiful, loved and included, that no one gets their toes stepped on, that they get their dreams and wishes fulfilled, that they're happy and thriving. Do I factor in there somewhere? Clearly, not so much.
I'm so tired of being tired and worried all the time!
In other news, I was scrolling through my unfinished stories and came across the SPN fanfic I'd started on but hadn't quite decided how to end. I liked how Dean turned out a lot more than Sam, but I think with a little polishing and some decisions on where the hell it's ultimately going, this could be a nice little fic. Maybe I'll try to work on that and not worry about the other stuff.