and I thought my life was confusing enough...
Let's just establish one thing, I'm cryptic. I want to be, and thats the point. I want to write this entry in order to just get a few things off my chest. Most people reading this will have no idea what I'm talking about, and thats fine. If you read this, you'll get the idea of what I mean without actually understanding everything. And if you're curious, I don't care. I'm just letting you know upfront that whats going on with me right now is something that I am not going to share with the whole world, so...uhh.. deal.
I think the one thing that I hate more than anything right now is secrets..I'm not talking about the "I went to the mall when I said I was going to church" kind of secret.. or even the "everyone thinks this is my real nose, but its not" kind of secret. I'm talking about the life changing kind of family secret that causes you to rethink your opinions and perspectives on aspects of your life and the people that are most important to you. Yeah, I hate those. Imagine someone tells you your entire life that the color red is actually called "blue" and then you are surrounded by people who either believe that the color red is called blue or want to promote your false definition.. and then imagine that you're 17 years old and someone finally says to you "actually, thats called red, we wanted to protect you from something so we lied to you your entire life." How exactly would you handle that information? And even worse, what would you do about the other people who had been lied to and led to believe that red was called blue? would you tell them and make them feel the same hurt way you do, or probably even worse, or would you continue to protect them and therefore perpetuate the lie?
And why do these choices always fall on me? Why can't I be left in the dark? Why can't I just continue my life with some semblance of continuity? I mean, isn't it bad enough that my parents are getting separated or divorced or whatever without also having to all of a sudden shoulder the unexpected burden of dark family secrets? I think everyone probably feels like this at some point, but I just always feel like I have too much responsibility..I don't even know where my childhood went. I'm not old enough for any of this. No one ever is....but I'm just not. I want to be protected. I want some stability. What happened to the stability in my life? I think I might be having a small nervous breakdown right now.. Is this how a 5 year old feels when they find out that there is no such thing as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? Well, I wouldn't know. He never let me believe in either of those anyway.
I just feel...lost. I feel like I'm floating and I don't know whats real.
"I've heard that life is overrated, but I hope it gets better as we go."
I think the one thing that I hate more than anything right now is secrets..I'm not talking about the "I went to the mall when I said I was going to church" kind of secret.. or even the "everyone thinks this is my real nose, but its not" kind of secret. I'm talking about the life changing kind of family secret that causes you to rethink your opinions and perspectives on aspects of your life and the people that are most important to you. Yeah, I hate those. Imagine someone tells you your entire life that the color red is actually called "blue" and then you are surrounded by people who either believe that the color red is called blue or want to promote your false definition.. and then imagine that you're 17 years old and someone finally says to you "actually, thats called red, we wanted to protect you from something so we lied to you your entire life." How exactly would you handle that information? And even worse, what would you do about the other people who had been lied to and led to believe that red was called blue? would you tell them and make them feel the same hurt way you do, or probably even worse, or would you continue to protect them and therefore perpetuate the lie?
And why do these choices always fall on me? Why can't I be left in the dark? Why can't I just continue my life with some semblance of continuity? I mean, isn't it bad enough that my parents are getting separated or divorced or whatever without also having to all of a sudden shoulder the unexpected burden of dark family secrets? I think everyone probably feels like this at some point, but I just always feel like I have too much responsibility..I don't even know where my childhood went. I'm not old enough for any of this. No one ever is....but I'm just not. I want to be protected. I want some stability. What happened to the stability in my life? I think I might be having a small nervous breakdown right now.. Is this how a 5 year old feels when they find out that there is no such thing as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? Well, I wouldn't know. He never let me believe in either of those anyway.
I just feel...lost. I feel like I'm floating and I don't know whats real.
"I've heard that life is overrated, but I hope it gets better as we go."