(no subject)
so my parents got in a fight this morning.. thats not too unusual; in fact, it happens almost every morning. What was unusual was that my dad wasn't as much angry as frustrated and he finally said something that I wasn't too sure I was ever going to hear him say: "This isn't working..we need to make a big change" shortly followed by "I think that we should be separated." And for the first time in like 10 years that I can remember he actually talked about the two of them not being together.. now, I'm very fickle about my thoughts on the subject of my parents getting divorced. At times, it makes me happy and I think that it would be for the best, but then there are those times that I think that I turn into a scared child, I guess..I just want everything to be perfect and everyone to be happy..I want to live in a 50s sitcom or soemthing. So, I'm sitting there in the back seat of the car listening to this conversation, and its not like I can leave, so finally I say "Can you please have this conversation when I'm not around?" and that selfish asshole said "Why do you always think that everything is about you? Can you please just show us some respect and shut up?" So, I did. I shut up. And when we arrived at our destination, the gym, I grabbed my stuff and bolted from the car before they even had their doors opened. I just don't understand. Maybe I've watched too many of those sitcoms or movies that show the parents trying to shield their children from the fighting. Maybe thats not how it is in real life. Maybe the kids, who are COMPLETELY NOT INVOLVED, mind you, should hear EVERY little bit of arguing and yelling and talk of divorce. Maybe that makes for a healthy kid.. yeah..maybe. Well, at least that how its been for me since I was like 3 fucking years old and my brother would take me into the hallway and try to distract me while our parents were yelling.. maybe its his fault I have these ideas in my head about whats appropriate to be discussed infront of ones children.. or maybe, just maybe, my dad can be a selfish bastard who is only concerned with himself and doesn't care about protecting me because he didn't want to have me in the first place. One of my mottos recently has become "Don't have kids if you don't want to take care of them" but maybe thats the problem.. he's told me in the past that I was a "surprise" and that my mom "forced him into staying by having" me, so maybe thats just it. Maybe he didn't want me...whatever. Anyways, after I left them at the gym, I talked to my mom a little in the locker room, and she was fine. She's used to the yelling by now...imagine that. Then about 45 minutes later I came across my dad and he apologized to me. Gee thanks for the apology daddy, everything is peachy keen now.
And since then, no discussion of anything from this morning. Everyone is fake "happy" again. My dad and I put half the roof on the chicken coop today. Yeah, my life just keeps getting better and better. And tomorrow I don't work (for those of you who don't know, I got a job at Foster's Freeze..I'll write an entry about that later probably), but I almost wish I did. If I went to work I wouldn't be forced to think about the fact that tomorrow is the 4th of July as much. That used to be my favorite holiday, but today is dawned on me that it was only my favorite holiday when I lived in Huntington Beach.. In Prather, it pretty much sucks. Like everything else. ha ha
I know all I do is complain in my live journal entries, but they are one of my only outlets.. This is just a way for me to express feelings and heal a little..Its also better for me to get this stuff out in a live journal entry so I don't slip up and say some of the stuff I'm thinking to my dad.. haha I don't think "selfish asshole" would go over too well. So, if you find me to be too whiny in these entries, don't read them. Its really that simple. Believe me, if I had a bunch of happy positive stuff to write about, I would. I don't want to be depressed. But I'm not that happy generally, so I write accordingly. This kind of sounds like a disclaimer, maybe it should have gone at the beginning of this entry..ohh well. Thats pretty much all for now.
And since then, no discussion of anything from this morning. Everyone is fake "happy" again. My dad and I put half the roof on the chicken coop today. Yeah, my life just keeps getting better and better. And tomorrow I don't work (for those of you who don't know, I got a job at Foster's Freeze..I'll write an entry about that later probably), but I almost wish I did. If I went to work I wouldn't be forced to think about the fact that tomorrow is the 4th of July as much. That used to be my favorite holiday, but today is dawned on me that it was only my favorite holiday when I lived in Huntington Beach.. In Prather, it pretty much sucks. Like everything else. ha ha
I know all I do is complain in my live journal entries, but they are one of my only outlets.. This is just a way for me to express feelings and heal a little..Its also better for me to get this stuff out in a live journal entry so I don't slip up and say some of the stuff I'm thinking to my dad.. haha I don't think "selfish asshole" would go over too well. So, if you find me to be too whiny in these entries, don't read them. Its really that simple. Believe me, if I had a bunch of happy positive stuff to write about, I would. I don't want to be depressed. But I'm not that happy generally, so I write accordingly. This kind of sounds like a disclaimer, maybe it should have gone at the beginning of this entry..ohh well. Thats pretty much all for now.