My Panic Attack
I suffer from anxiety.
It can be something that assaults me mildly with a quick stomach flip flop when I think about having to talk with others I'm not very familiar with. It can make me stupid as I over think something simple, because I don't want to get it wrong ... and then of course, get it wrong. It causes me to forget things that are normal and commonplace, because I'm worried. My mind goes blank and for a few seconds I can't think straight.
This is the mild form of my anxiety.
The deeper anxiety doesn't get to me all that much. Usually I have a freak out every couple of years. My last panic attack happened two years ago when I ran into an old fractured friendship unexpectedly at my job and was forced to make conversation with her, because she was a customer. Afterward, I ran to the bathroom and hyperventilated.
Today I had a panic attack. I was working with a manager I don't think likes me all that much. Where she greets my younger co-workers with a wide smile and high pitched voice of happiness. I get a mild nod and some forced conversation. I don't know why she doesn't like me. Believe me, I've thought about it a lot. As someone who hates being disliked, I am very upset that she treats me differently. It's not anything overt, just little hints that I pick up on. Well, today she put me as back-up on the register. I'm not so great on the register. I get nervous and that anxiety, like I mentioned above, makes me forget things I should know. I especially get nervous when opening up a credit card for someone, because I maybe do that four or five times a year. I was opening up a card today and forgot that the customer also wanted to use a coupon. I called on my walkie for help and my manager replied, "What is it, Christina?" using a very condescending voice. I told her and she made her way up there, was rude to me in front of the customer about my mistake and walked off.
I could feel the anxiety rising in my chest. My fingers started shaking and it was all I could do to hand the customer their receipt without losing my grasp. There was a prickling on my chest that I knew was the color red spreading from there, up my neck and soon to my face. As soon as I was done, I raced to the bathroom and cried. I was humiliated. It took me awhile to calm down, but I did it, because I had to hold it together for two more hours of my shift. When I came out my co-worker assigned to the fitting room asked about the splotchy red on my neck. I told her I had had a panic attack, but didn't fill her in on why.
When my shift was over I went out to my car and cried again. This is what anxiety is like for me. It's all encompassing when it devolves into a panic attack and here I am hours later, still feeling drained.
I hate my anxiety.
It can be something that assaults me mildly with a quick stomach flip flop when I think about having to talk with others I'm not very familiar with. It can make me stupid as I over think something simple, because I don't want to get it wrong ... and then of course, get it wrong. It causes me to forget things that are normal and commonplace, because I'm worried. My mind goes blank and for a few seconds I can't think straight.
This is the mild form of my anxiety.
The deeper anxiety doesn't get to me all that much. Usually I have a freak out every couple of years. My last panic attack happened two years ago when I ran into an old fractured friendship unexpectedly at my job and was forced to make conversation with her, because she was a customer. Afterward, I ran to the bathroom and hyperventilated.
Today I had a panic attack. I was working with a manager I don't think likes me all that much. Where she greets my younger co-workers with a wide smile and high pitched voice of happiness. I get a mild nod and some forced conversation. I don't know why she doesn't like me. Believe me, I've thought about it a lot. As someone who hates being disliked, I am very upset that she treats me differently. It's not anything overt, just little hints that I pick up on. Well, today she put me as back-up on the register. I'm not so great on the register. I get nervous and that anxiety, like I mentioned above, makes me forget things I should know. I especially get nervous when opening up a credit card for someone, because I maybe do that four or five times a year. I was opening up a card today and forgot that the customer also wanted to use a coupon. I called on my walkie for help and my manager replied, "What is it, Christina?" using a very condescending voice. I told her and she made her way up there, was rude to me in front of the customer about my mistake and walked off.
I could feel the anxiety rising in my chest. My fingers started shaking and it was all I could do to hand the customer their receipt without losing my grasp. There was a prickling on my chest that I knew was the color red spreading from there, up my neck and soon to my face. As soon as I was done, I raced to the bathroom and cried. I was humiliated. It took me awhile to calm down, but I did it, because I had to hold it together for two more hours of my shift. When I came out my co-worker assigned to the fitting room asked about the splotchy red on my neck. I told her I had had a panic attack, but didn't fill her in on why.
When my shift was over I went out to my car and cried again. This is what anxiety is like for me. It's all encompassing when it devolves into a panic attack and here I am hours later, still feeling drained.
I hate my anxiety.