thank my lucky stars this wasn't deleted mid-post.
After a certain amount of time without sleep, one begins to lose touch with reality. The amount of time it takes as well as the severity of the "loss" differs, of course, from one person to the next. Sounds become amplified. Colors are enhanced. Lights are painful. You move at a slower, more robotic pace. The body switches to auto-pilot and functions off of a convenient pattern of instinct and habit. The mind, on the contrary, usually beings to stray from "normal" thought processes. Emotions that are manageable at any given moment under "normal" circumstances are pushed to the edge and rise to their full potential. Coping methods start struggling to perform, and sometimes new ones are formed. Karen calls it the adaptation application: a systemic approach to controlling the way one's subconscious deals with life. She thinks that it's possible to control your emotions. "It's science, " she jokes. As long as you're prepared..
The flaw in her theory pops up when she realizes that there are some situations for which you cannot prepare, such as sudden death, or clothes that are falsely labeled as "pre-shrunk cotton". Things like birthday gifts from your grandparents, or embarrassing pictures from that point in childhood where you were old enough to pick out your own clothes. These things can only be dealt with as they happen, and can't really be prevented. They happen to add spontaneity to the system.
There is an infinite number of ways to deal with the tests you take in life. Some ways are negative, but some are positive. It would be easy to say that whatever works, works; but it's a little naive, and far too submissive. For example, it's not okay, when things get tough, to befriend the liquor bottle or any illegal narcotic. These choices don't fix anything, and all too often make matters worse. There are ways that are less harmful to yourself and others. Unfortunately, though, there are very few universally loved coping mechanisms. Very few are accepted by all. So those who wish to not write poetry, or keep journals, instead turn to violence, rage, or promiscuity. Those who wish to not find a hobby, something to love, stick to what they are already exposed to: masochism or self-pity (which can be synonymous, just for the record).
Karen has a number of mechanisms that she uses on a daily basis. She sings, which is often the way people know she's in a decent mood. She writes; journals, poems, non-fiction. She plays the few songs she knows on guitar, because feeling those songs form in her mind, flow through her veins, and exit via her fingertips engages her in a cluster of emotions too numerous to name. She also has breathing exercises and a pocket-watch to keep her heart from racing, and muscle exercises to keep her feet from shaking. She runs and laughs and observes and paints. However, she also has habits that are generally unaccepted, or, at best, frowned upon by the majority of the American population. She just doesn't understand why.
Based on what she knows, habits are only problematic if they begin to interfere with one's ability to function. Alcohol blurs your vision as well as your ability to make logical decisions. It deems you irresponsible, despite how straight you think you're walking. It puts everyone around you at risk for both physical and emotional damage. People under the influence of alcohol are usually obnoxious, horny, rude, mean, absent-minded, forgetful, or relentless, and otherwise unremarkable. Narcotics. Karen can't understand how people can habitually, knowingly, and willingly consume something of which one has absolutely no idea as to exactly what or how much is in the pill or syringe or ounce or powder, etc. You consume them and everything goes away, only to return ten-fold when you dry out. She has no desire whatsoever to even try drugs. Call her close-minded, but she'd rather be as coherent as possible, as often as possible. Smoking is repulsive. Promiscuity is almost funny. Over-spending is not an option when there's nothing to spend. She sometimes bites her nails and lips, or does this scratching thing, but that's more of an unconscious habit than not. Procrastination never killed anyone, thankfully. But everyone in America seems to hate cutting. "Cutting is a compressive and shearing phenomenon, and occurs only when the total stress generated by the cutting implement exceeds the ultimate strength of the material of the object being cut." It's all about control. How deep? How long? Where? With what? It's exciting to think about. She thinks of it as art, and finds beauty in her creations; the way the edges become slightly enflamed and bright orange before the entirety of the stroke becomes speckled with beads of blood is almost poetic in her mind. She hates having to lie about the scars, having to hide her "bad habit". Bad according to who? Society? Seriously. Society is the foundation of the problems that push people to form bad habits with its restrictions, blindness, ignorance and conformity. People see cuts on the arms of those who chose never to pick up the bottle, and freak out and assume they're suicidal. What they need to realize is that most of the time, if someone wants to die, I mean really wants their life to be over, they skip the bad habits and reach straight for the gun. They skip the beauty of skin vs. razor blade and drive their car off of a bridge. What they need to realize is, if Karen's scars meant she wanted to kill herself, she would have been dead a long time ago. Can it be considered harmful if it doesn't hurt? Can it be considered wrong if no one else is effected by it? Should it be called a problem if it's not effecting her ability to function?
"It does effect those around you. It pains them to see you do this to yourself."
"I didn't ask them to feel that way. I mean, I'm effected by anyone who smokes within a 10 foot radius of me but that's not enough for them to not light up. I have friends who drink too much and think it's okay to get behind the wheel, despite the fact that it's illegal, know how I feel about alcohol and completely disregard how much I care about it and still decide to do it. My father was an alcoholic, even while watching his wife, my step-mother, die from liver failure caused by excessive drinking. His mother was a chain smoker, despite watching me have to cover my face with a blanket just so I could breathe somewhat efficiently while spending time with her. Society doesn't feel bad for me. Society judges me, deems me crazy or psychotic when they see what I do to myself. In fact they're so busy judging me and people like me that they don't see the amount of unhappiness in their mediocre lives. I guess that's they're bad habit, looking down on me, on us. 'At least I'm not that unhappy.' Please. They've got it all wrong. Even at my lowest, I've probably experienced more joy than the majority of the American population."
"Is this your justification of cutting yourself?"
"No. This is me telling you that I'm not stopping just because you and society want me to. I think it's silly that you expect me to do so, as though anything you can tell me is something new or life-changing. I've heard it all."
"On the contrary, Karen. Your steadfastness is alarming. You seem somewhat stubborn, but I suppose your callousness is to blame."
"With all due respect, Doctor, we're all to blame."
The flaw in her theory pops up when she realizes that there are some situations for which you cannot prepare, such as sudden death, or clothes that are falsely labeled as "pre-shrunk cotton". Things like birthday gifts from your grandparents, or embarrassing pictures from that point in childhood where you were old enough to pick out your own clothes. These things can only be dealt with as they happen, and can't really be prevented. They happen to add spontaneity to the system.
There is an infinite number of ways to deal with the tests you take in life. Some ways are negative, but some are positive. It would be easy to say that whatever works, works; but it's a little naive, and far too submissive. For example, it's not okay, when things get tough, to befriend the liquor bottle or any illegal narcotic. These choices don't fix anything, and all too often make matters worse. There are ways that are less harmful to yourself and others. Unfortunately, though, there are very few universally loved coping mechanisms. Very few are accepted by all. So those who wish to not write poetry, or keep journals, instead turn to violence, rage, or promiscuity. Those who wish to not find a hobby, something to love, stick to what they are already exposed to: masochism or self-pity (which can be synonymous, just for the record).
Karen has a number of mechanisms that she uses on a daily basis. She sings, which is often the way people know she's in a decent mood. She writes; journals, poems, non-fiction. She plays the few songs she knows on guitar, because feeling those songs form in her mind, flow through her veins, and exit via her fingertips engages her in a cluster of emotions too numerous to name. She also has breathing exercises and a pocket-watch to keep her heart from racing, and muscle exercises to keep her feet from shaking. She runs and laughs and observes and paints. However, she also has habits that are generally unaccepted, or, at best, frowned upon by the majority of the American population. She just doesn't understand why.
Based on what she knows, habits are only problematic if they begin to interfere with one's ability to function. Alcohol blurs your vision as well as your ability to make logical decisions. It deems you irresponsible, despite how straight you think you're walking. It puts everyone around you at risk for both physical and emotional damage. People under the influence of alcohol are usually obnoxious, horny, rude, mean, absent-minded, forgetful, or relentless, and otherwise unremarkable. Narcotics. Karen can't understand how people can habitually, knowingly, and willingly consume something of which one has absolutely no idea as to exactly what or how much is in the pill or syringe or ounce or powder, etc. You consume them and everything goes away, only to return ten-fold when you dry out. She has no desire whatsoever to even try drugs. Call her close-minded, but she'd rather be as coherent as possible, as often as possible. Smoking is repulsive. Promiscuity is almost funny. Over-spending is not an option when there's nothing to spend. She sometimes bites her nails and lips, or does this scratching thing, but that's more of an unconscious habit than not. Procrastination never killed anyone, thankfully. But everyone in America seems to hate cutting. "Cutting is a compressive and shearing phenomenon, and occurs only when the total stress generated by the cutting implement exceeds the ultimate strength of the material of the object being cut." It's all about control. How deep? How long? Where? With what? It's exciting to think about. She thinks of it as art, and finds beauty in her creations; the way the edges become slightly enflamed and bright orange before the entirety of the stroke becomes speckled with beads of blood is almost poetic in her mind. She hates having to lie about the scars, having to hide her "bad habit". Bad according to who? Society? Seriously. Society is the foundation of the problems that push people to form bad habits with its restrictions, blindness, ignorance and conformity. People see cuts on the arms of those who chose never to pick up the bottle, and freak out and assume they're suicidal. What they need to realize is that most of the time, if someone wants to die, I mean really wants their life to be over, they skip the bad habits and reach straight for the gun. They skip the beauty of skin vs. razor blade and drive their car off of a bridge. What they need to realize is, if Karen's scars meant she wanted to kill herself, she would have been dead a long time ago. Can it be considered harmful if it doesn't hurt? Can it be considered wrong if no one else is effected by it? Should it be called a problem if it's not effecting her ability to function?
"It does effect those around you. It pains them to see you do this to yourself."
"I didn't ask them to feel that way. I mean, I'm effected by anyone who smokes within a 10 foot radius of me but that's not enough for them to not light up. I have friends who drink too much and think it's okay to get behind the wheel, despite the fact that it's illegal, know how I feel about alcohol and completely disregard how much I care about it and still decide to do it. My father was an alcoholic, even while watching his wife, my step-mother, die from liver failure caused by excessive drinking. His mother was a chain smoker, despite watching me have to cover my face with a blanket just so I could breathe somewhat efficiently while spending time with her. Society doesn't feel bad for me. Society judges me, deems me crazy or psychotic when they see what I do to myself. In fact they're so busy judging me and people like me that they don't see the amount of unhappiness in their mediocre lives. I guess that's they're bad habit, looking down on me, on us. 'At least I'm not that unhappy.' Please. They've got it all wrong. Even at my lowest, I've probably experienced more joy than the majority of the American population."
"Is this your justification of cutting yourself?"
"No. This is me telling you that I'm not stopping just because you and society want me to. I think it's silly that you expect me to do so, as though anything you can tell me is something new or life-changing. I've heard it all."
"On the contrary, Karen. Your steadfastness is alarming. You seem somewhat stubborn, but I suppose your callousness is to blame."
"With all due respect, Doctor, we're all to blame."