the one with broken brain
I think there is a distinct possibility that my head is broken.
No, seriously.
On Tuesday I found out that I won a partial scholarship which is A Pretty Big Deal, Actually, from a super fancy university in London. Today I had a meeting with my supervisors, wherein they stressed that my writing was REALLY GOOD but here's some ideas for changes/improvements. So the thing is right, I'm not doing that badly. Hell, I managed to get 1,500 pounds on scholarship when I'm not even confirmed yet. I'm still a provisional candidate. I was all "omg wtf" for like three minutes when I read the email offering the scholarship, then my attention turned to "oh god I still need a buttload more money to live in the UK for 3 months". I just don't. get. happy. about. uni. success. I'd like to say "any more", but honestly, my ability to go from 'woo I finished that and did well' to 'okay onto the next project/problem' is phenomenal. This is normally fine. I can deal with being a crazy person who just moves on to the next thing without being all sunshine-and-daisies-and-rainbows happy about an accomplishment. But I sure as hell shouldn't really walk out of a meeting, wherein only good things were said, no one insinuated that I was a moron or incapable of doing what I'm trying to do, and walk back to the office nearly in tears.
Broken, I tell you. Broken.
One of my better abilities (screw modesty) is my ability to problem-solve. But I honestly can't solve this problem. I don't even know what is making me like this presently. The best I can think of, is just to pretend everything's okay and keep working. But hell, even I know that's a cop out.
Sometimes I honestly believe I am just adverse to happiness. Like, today, I am seriously considering taking second semester German (read: it was never something to 'consider' I was always going to talk second semester German). Why? It doesn't make me overtly happy, I am not particularly good at it, the chances of me using it ever because I am so appalling at it are very low. But the thing is I haven't finished it yet. You're supposed to do a full year. And also, I am not very good at giving up things I'm not very good at. Aural is my classic example. I hated it. Hated it with the intensity of a thousand burning suns. It was the bane of my very existence. But I did it for two years, and got so much better at it. To this day, I would not be as competent a musician as I am without that training. So I will do German, even though the lecture-who-knows-my-supervisor called my supervisor after my test and no doubt passed on how hilariously terrible I was at speaking German.
No, seriously.
On Tuesday I found out that I won a partial scholarship which is A Pretty Big Deal, Actually, from a super fancy university in London. Today I had a meeting with my supervisors, wherein they stressed that my writing was REALLY GOOD but here's some ideas for changes/improvements. So the thing is right, I'm not doing that badly. Hell, I managed to get 1,500 pounds on scholarship when I'm not even confirmed yet. I'm still a provisional candidate. I was all "omg wtf" for like three minutes when I read the email offering the scholarship, then my attention turned to "oh god I still need a buttload more money to live in the UK for 3 months". I just don't. get. happy. about. uni. success. I'd like to say "any more", but honestly, my ability to go from 'woo I finished that and did well' to 'okay onto the next project/problem' is phenomenal. This is normally fine. I can deal with being a crazy person who just moves on to the next thing without being all sunshine-and-daisies-and-rainbows happy about an accomplishment. But I sure as hell shouldn't really walk out of a meeting, wherein only good things were said, no one insinuated that I was a moron or incapable of doing what I'm trying to do, and walk back to the office nearly in tears.
Broken, I tell you. Broken.
One of my better abilities (screw modesty) is my ability to problem-solve. But I honestly can't solve this problem. I don't even know what is making me like this presently. The best I can think of, is just to pretend everything's okay and keep working. But hell, even I know that's a cop out.
Sometimes I honestly believe I am just adverse to happiness. Like, today, I am seriously considering taking second semester German (read: it was never something to 'consider' I was always going to talk second semester German). Why? It doesn't make me overtly happy, I am not particularly good at it, the chances of me using it ever because I am so appalling at it are very low. But the thing is I haven't finished it yet. You're supposed to do a full year. And also, I am not very good at giving up things I'm not very good at. Aural is my classic example. I hated it. Hated it with the intensity of a thousand burning suns. It was the bane of my very existence. But I did it for two years, and got so much better at it. To this day, I would not be as competent a musician as I am without that training. So I will do German, even though the lecture-who-knows-my-supervisor called my supervisor after my test and no doubt passed on how hilariously terrible I was at speaking German.