the one with a little bit of regression, but not too much
Oh bollocks.
Just when I thought I was okay (or if not "okay" then indifferent) about what's happened with Bob and all, I found myself thinking about the year he pretended to love me. It makes me feel physically ill now to think that someone I trusted so deeply could do that. Then I feel crushed under the weight of my memories, and I have so many, and so many were not awful, but I do not want to remember them because though I want to believe he didn't always deceive me I cannot be entirely sure, because in the end he did have the capacity to manipulate and lie.
I trust this is just a temporary setback. I have overall managed to get to the point where it's no longer he doesn't love me anymore, why doesn't he love me?, but rather he doesn't deserve me. And it's true. For the first time in years I've felt like I can honestly say I am proud to be who I am, and that actually, I'm freaking awesome. And flist, I can honestly say that you are all freaking awesome too.
Just when I thought I was okay (or if not "okay" then indifferent) about what's happened with Bob and all, I found myself thinking about the year he pretended to love me. It makes me feel physically ill now to think that someone I trusted so deeply could do that. Then I feel crushed under the weight of my memories, and I have so many, and so many were not awful, but I do not want to remember them because though I want to believe he didn't always deceive me I cannot be entirely sure, because in the end he did have the capacity to manipulate and lie.
I trust this is just a temporary setback. I have overall managed to get to the point where it's no longer he doesn't love me anymore, why doesn't he love me?, but rather he doesn't deserve me. And it's true. For the first time in years I've felt like I can honestly say I am proud to be who I am, and that actually, I'm freaking awesome. And flist, I can honestly say that you are all freaking awesome too.