mind tangle unravelling
i genuinly thought it was just me. but i love you girls on here for being honest coz it makes me realised that we all have iffy moments and we all know where we're coming from.
be it hormonal rage or actually issues that seem silly to ourselves, wer on the same page.
im finding myself becoming stuck in limbo, i havnt left brighton in months and its slowly grinding on me. i have been to smalldole a few times and those times i really wish i hadnt.
thom is really upsetting me,a lot more than i let on. he has told me in the last month that when i 'regected him' that he thought i was abad person. and in the last week hes told me that he was only making an effort to be my friend before coz he wanted to be with me. he then told dil that he was angry coz the only thing i ever say to him when i see him is that we dont see each other enough and whats the point as theres nothing to say and im empty.
all this is irrelevant however when he wants to tern up at my house at 5am drunk to sleep on my sofa and disapear in the morning without even a thankyou.
it makes me wonder if i really am a bad person. it makes me doubt myself and my capabilities as a friend and a person.
i still dont fully understand why several people have terned on me in the past five years, and altho its only 3 people i think about them every day.
i know they dont think about me everyday, but i think about them. i hope theyre doing ok, and i hope they reflect on how they treated me every once in a while and feel some kind of empathy for it. but i know really that they dont.
its making me also doubt my relationship with dave, i dont get invited out with his friends anymore coz they wanna see him and hes always with me and im always there. and altho i understand that, this is the one thing i didnt want to happen. i dont want to get in the middle of anyone and i dont want to be rejected because of it.
like tonight, he was going to go see a film with thom and dil, and instead he terned up at my house unexpected with three bags of food shopping, he knew i hadnt been eating propperly coz i dont have my loan yet so he bought me food and missed the film. and instead hes taking me to see it tomorow. so hes ditched them once again, but i didnt ask him to, i tried to get him to go but he wouldnt.
i feel like a terrible person.
my dreams have also been twisted lately, confusing me and making me feel out of sorts for the entire day and i cant place the reasons for them. exept when i had a dream that me dave and thom where floating in a bubble above the river themes and thom was trying to burst the bubble so wed all fal;l from the sky and die.i get that dream. that dream made me cry.
and i had a dream that i had a pet elephant and took it for a walk, and when i got bak dan was at my house with dylan, and he was taking him away and he told me i couldnt have dylan coz i was a bad person and iv replaced dylan with a pet elephant and so i should accept that dylan deserves better. i cried in that dream, and just though 'what the sodding fuck??' in reality,
its all very bizar. its funy how stress and confusion can cause so much mental strain. im mostly worried about the amount of money i ow people and the chance of southafrica sliding further and further away from me. im terryfied that its all falling to peices.
i miss my social life, i miss myself a bit too. thats one thing i definatly dont feel right now, myself.
am i wrong to of thought mine and thoms friendship was genuin?was i really a bad person for falling in love with his friend instead of him? i talked to thom about his feeling for me as soon as they arose, as i thought hes friendship was too beautiful to damage by ignoring what was obviouse or leading him on. maybe some people just react strange to rejection, i know i have before.
i just wish he was honest with me, and i wish i could understand,i wish more though that he would put down this wall and get to know me again without imagining me naked. as clearly thats all that was going on. haha hed be bitterly disapointed anyway :P
yay, i feel better now. thank you lj.
be it hormonal rage or actually issues that seem silly to ourselves, wer on the same page.
im finding myself becoming stuck in limbo, i havnt left brighton in months and its slowly grinding on me. i have been to smalldole a few times and those times i really wish i hadnt.
thom is really upsetting me,a lot more than i let on. he has told me in the last month that when i 'regected him' that he thought i was abad person. and in the last week hes told me that he was only making an effort to be my friend before coz he wanted to be with me. he then told dil that he was angry coz the only thing i ever say to him when i see him is that we dont see each other enough and whats the point as theres nothing to say and im empty.
all this is irrelevant however when he wants to tern up at my house at 5am drunk to sleep on my sofa and disapear in the morning without even a thankyou.
it makes me wonder if i really am a bad person. it makes me doubt myself and my capabilities as a friend and a person.
i still dont fully understand why several people have terned on me in the past five years, and altho its only 3 people i think about them every day.
i know they dont think about me everyday, but i think about them. i hope theyre doing ok, and i hope they reflect on how they treated me every once in a while and feel some kind of empathy for it. but i know really that they dont.
its making me also doubt my relationship with dave, i dont get invited out with his friends anymore coz they wanna see him and hes always with me and im always there. and altho i understand that, this is the one thing i didnt want to happen. i dont want to get in the middle of anyone and i dont want to be rejected because of it.
like tonight, he was going to go see a film with thom and dil, and instead he terned up at my house unexpected with three bags of food shopping, he knew i hadnt been eating propperly coz i dont have my loan yet so he bought me food and missed the film. and instead hes taking me to see it tomorow. so hes ditched them once again, but i didnt ask him to, i tried to get him to go but he wouldnt.
i feel like a terrible person.
my dreams have also been twisted lately, confusing me and making me feel out of sorts for the entire day and i cant place the reasons for them. exept when i had a dream that me dave and thom where floating in a bubble above the river themes and thom was trying to burst the bubble so wed all fal;l from the sky and die.i get that dream. that dream made me cry.
and i had a dream that i had a pet elephant and took it for a walk, and when i got bak dan was at my house with dylan, and he was taking him away and he told me i couldnt have dylan coz i was a bad person and iv replaced dylan with a pet elephant and so i should accept that dylan deserves better. i cried in that dream, and just though 'what the sodding fuck??' in reality,
its all very bizar. its funy how stress and confusion can cause so much mental strain. im mostly worried about the amount of money i ow people and the chance of southafrica sliding further and further away from me. im terryfied that its all falling to peices.
i miss my social life, i miss myself a bit too. thats one thing i definatly dont feel right now, myself.
am i wrong to of thought mine and thoms friendship was genuin?was i really a bad person for falling in love with his friend instead of him? i talked to thom about his feeling for me as soon as they arose, as i thought hes friendship was too beautiful to damage by ignoring what was obviouse or leading him on. maybe some people just react strange to rejection, i know i have before.
i just wish he was honest with me, and i wish i could understand,i wish more though that he would put down this wall and get to know me again without imagining me naked. as clearly thats all that was going on. haha hed be bitterly disapointed anyway :P
yay, i feel better now. thank you lj.