My Grad School Submission.

[pixiemimi]

Hey everyone. Long time no post. Here is my grad school submission. It's due SOON. So, please critique it. PLEASE. To all of you in the same communities as me, I'm sorry for the cross post. I just want to get as many voices on this as possible.

Comments

[illuki]

Having read the former version, I think that the beginning of the first draft was stronger. Seeing the actual game lends strength to the events that happen to Sara, and lets the reader know more about Devon and Rune, who seem very important to Sara. Plus, it eliminates all the reflection / flashback, more of showing than telling. I'd try to keep that first scene if I could, maybe trim down the game or tweak it. For example, have some snarky commentary on why the hell the game got so much praise, etc. I'm still lost description-wise. I noticed it especially on the campus and in the dorm. I'd like to see Sara's room some more, what she's wearing when the change happens. I'd like what you added with the changes, though it took me a few read-thrus to get a sense of position. I'm still a bit unsure. I wanted her to have a tail. :D I wondered if you might do anything with her senses. For example, improved hearing or scent. That'd be an interesting way to give more sensory detail and show how she's adjusting to the change. And emotions too

Re:

[pixiemimi]

Awesome. Thank you so much. I'll try to bring back some of the first scene. I was told by numerous people in both classes before that the entire thing should go, and it was so sad to let it go. I'm glad that you like the second part. I was really worried because I've been having difficulty with Kerry's POV. He knows what's going to happen to him so he doesn't want to divulge anything. Plus, there's a lot of secrecy about personal details in Aranon for some reason. Heidi is giving me the same problem. But thank you for your critique. I always appreciate your advice.