Mmm....rice
RISOTTO IS NOT THAT HARD
IF YOU THINK IT IS HARD THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU
RISOTTO REQUIRES BOTH PATIENCE AND RICE
IF YOU HAVE NEITHER GO TO HELL
YOU NEED A STOVE
HEAT A POT OF WATER ON THE STOVE
YES I AM SERIOUS
USE THE STOVE
YOU DO NOT NEED TO BOIL THE WATER
JUST GET IT HOT AND STEAMY UNLIKE YOUR MOTHER
NOW HEAT SOME OLIVE OIL IN A FRYING PAN OVER MEDIUM HEAT
THIS FAT IS WHAT HOLDS YOUR RISOTTO TOGETHER
USE EXTRA VIRGIN FAT LIKE YOURSELF
DO NOT USE WHORE FAT LIKE YOUR MOTHER
MINCE AND FRY SOME ONION
YOU CAN ADD SOME OTHER MINCED VEGETABLES IF YOU WANT
YOU CAN ALSO ADD GROUND MEAT IF YOU LIKE KILLING ANIMALS
I JUST LIKE KILLING PEOPLE
WITH KINDNESS
DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE
HEY YOU SHOULD BE PAYING MORE ATTENTION TO YOUR FOOD
YOUR ONIONS ARE GOING TO BURN
ADD A BUNCH OF ARBORIO RICE TO THE FRYING PAN
IT IS SHORT GRAIN RICE
THE GRAINS SHOULD NOT BE MUCH LARGER THAN YOUR DONG
DO NOT PLACE YOUR DONG IN THE FRYING PAN YET
ADD MORE OLIVE OIL AND SOME WHITE WINE WITH THE RICE
STIR IT UP UNTIL THE RICE IS COATED IN THE EXTRA VIRGIN FAT
HAS THE WINE BOILED OFF YET
HAS IT
WAIT DID YOU USE ACTUAL WINE OR COOKING WINE
WHY WOULD YOU COOK WITH A WINE YOU WOULD NOT DRINK
THAT IS JUST STUPID
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU
HEY PAY ATTENTION THE WINE HAS BOILED OFF
START ADDING WATER FROM THE POT
ADD A LITTLE AT A TIME
THEN STIR
TAKE A SWIG OF WINE
THEN WAIT FOR IT TO GET ABSORBED
I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE WATER IN THE RICE
NOT ABOUT THE WINE IN YOUR EXTRA VIRGIN FAT
REPEAT UNTIL THE RISOTTO IS DONE
YOU CAN TELL WHEN THE RISOTTO IS DONE BECAUSE IT WILL TASTE AWESOME
USE OF SALT AND PEPPER CAN MAKE IT TASTE MORE AWESOME
IF YOUR RISOTTO DOES NOT TASTE AWESOME YOU ARE AN EXTRA VIRGIN FAILURE
KEEP YOUR DONG OUT OF THE FRYING PAN NEXT TIME