I'm beginning to wonder if anyone REALLY likes me...
This is my life story:
I was never happy. I'm still not happy. I'm not happy with myself, I'm not happy with life, I'm not happy with anything really. My whole life I've been tortured and teased for stupid reasons, mainly because my family was really weird and dysfunctional. Every person my age thinks their family is dysfunctional, but they don't even know what they're talking about. Getting into a petty little fight every once in awhile is not dysfunctional. Even getting into a fight every night is not dysfunctional. Dysfunctional is your mother, so obsessed with idealistic image and a clean house, that she's vacuuming and cleaning at two in the morning. Dysfunctional is while I'm away, my room is left to hell so bad that I can't even sleep in it. Dysfunctional is when your father brings home so many pets he can't take care of that he ends up abusing them and getting angry at them. Dysfunctional is your own brother and sister wishing you were either dead or not existing at all. Dysfunctional is eating dinner at nine or ten at night. Dysfunctional is the house being messy all the time. Dysfunctional is the cats living in the garage just because mom doesn't like them. Dysfunctional is your parents always hiding things from each other. Dysfunctional is producing a stupid child with no potential to grow socially or mentally in this world(me). I grew up with a dysfunctional family. After several suicide attempts, and a trip to the hospital, it's a wonder that I'm still alive today, and why people even want to talk to me. Maybe they really don't want to talk to me. Maybe they just want to humor me and then laugh behind my back as soon as I look away, whispering stuff like, "Oh, she thinks we're her FRIENDS now, what a fool." The only person that has ever cared about me or even gave a fuck about me was David. He taught me how to drive, he was always there for me, and he always felt bad that he could never take me out to a nice restaurant. He always said I deserved the world. No one in my entire life had ever treated me like that. I owe him so much, and yet I feel I cannot give him what he needs. Now he's all panicky about the littlest things, and I don't understand him anymore. The only good thing in my life went bad. He was always there to pick me up when I needed to leave the house. Now I have no one. He's the only one I've got, and I can't have him when I want now like I used too. I would have one of my "friends" pick me up, but they always bail out on me, claiming they have more "important" things to do. I guess I was never meant to be liked. When David was around, I did well in school and I got a job and I felt more independent around him. Ah, well, things are ruined now ever since his disorder, why did it have to be ruined? Like everything else? I'm not delusional like all my doctors say. This is real, and I'm the only one who sees it while everyone else thinks I'm crazy. Maybe I am...maybe I should just go to a ward and stay there rest of my life...not like there's anything going for me anyway...and don't try and tell me that there is because it is all lies!!! and I'm tired of being lied too!!!
I would like to believe I'm not fucked up, but I am...
I was never happy. I'm still not happy. I'm not happy with myself, I'm not happy with life, I'm not happy with anything really. My whole life I've been tortured and teased for stupid reasons, mainly because my family was really weird and dysfunctional. Every person my age thinks their family is dysfunctional, but they don't even know what they're talking about. Getting into a petty little fight every once in awhile is not dysfunctional. Even getting into a fight every night is not dysfunctional. Dysfunctional is your mother, so obsessed with idealistic image and a clean house, that she's vacuuming and cleaning at two in the morning. Dysfunctional is while I'm away, my room is left to hell so bad that I can't even sleep in it. Dysfunctional is when your father brings home so many pets he can't take care of that he ends up abusing them and getting angry at them. Dysfunctional is your own brother and sister wishing you were either dead or not existing at all. Dysfunctional is eating dinner at nine or ten at night. Dysfunctional is the house being messy all the time. Dysfunctional is the cats living in the garage just because mom doesn't like them. Dysfunctional is your parents always hiding things from each other. Dysfunctional is producing a stupid child with no potential to grow socially or mentally in this world(me). I grew up with a dysfunctional family. After several suicide attempts, and a trip to the hospital, it's a wonder that I'm still alive today, and why people even want to talk to me. Maybe they really don't want to talk to me. Maybe they just want to humor me and then laugh behind my back as soon as I look away, whispering stuff like, "Oh, she thinks we're her FRIENDS now, what a fool." The only person that has ever cared about me or even gave a fuck about me was David. He taught me how to drive, he was always there for me, and he always felt bad that he could never take me out to a nice restaurant. He always said I deserved the world. No one in my entire life had ever treated me like that. I owe him so much, and yet I feel I cannot give him what he needs. Now he's all panicky about the littlest things, and I don't understand him anymore. The only good thing in my life went bad. He was always there to pick me up when I needed to leave the house. Now I have no one. He's the only one I've got, and I can't have him when I want now like I used too. I would have one of my "friends" pick me up, but they always bail out on me, claiming they have more "important" things to do. I guess I was never meant to be liked. When David was around, I did well in school and I got a job and I felt more independent around him. Ah, well, things are ruined now ever since his disorder, why did it have to be ruined? Like everything else? I'm not delusional like all my doctors say. This is real, and I'm the only one who sees it while everyone else thinks I'm crazy. Maybe I am...maybe I should just go to a ward and stay there rest of my life...not like there's anything going for me anyway...and don't try and tell me that there is because it is all lies!!! and I'm tired of being lied too!!!
I would like to believe I'm not fucked up, but I am...