(no subject)
I HATE having financial issues.
I've been going through some pretty tough months and it's not fun. Sometimes I try not to think about them and I pretend I'm happy for the sake of others. I do believe in sharing your feelings and discussing problems with your close friends, but I do not believe in taking out my anger on them. So I try not to feel bitchy at friends and people I see who are not having financial issues. But it is hard.
It's tough to see and hear about people and friends going on shopping sprees buying their thousand dollar shoes, handbags, digital goodies and such when I'm here thinking twice about satisfying a ten dollar Pizza Hut craving because I may not make next month's rent and bills if I do. It sucks seeing shopping carts filled to the brim with food when I'm staring at the shelves trying to locate the cheapest bread. It's sickening to see college people being funded by their rich relatives taking their classes so lightly while I'm owing tens of thousands in student loans. I wish I could ask for donations from them since they have so much extra cash to throw around for unnecessary things.
I could hit myself when I think of those times I spent oodles of money on trendy clothes every few weeks instead of paying off student loans just to impress my ex when we were together. Or the times I would offer to buy drinks at the bar just so he would take me along on weekends. No one needs to tells me that it's a stupid way to gain someone's love. But at the time, just being me wasn't enough. Didn't help that the real me drowning in low self-esteem and emotional abuse anyway. But let me tell you, that's how I learned that retail therapy isn't a long term solution. Material goods and bubble baths may raise your spirits for some time, but unless you're healed deep down emotionally, pretty dresses and glittery new make-up only gets you so far.
Financial issues are really taking a toll on me. What's funny is that I've been happy and satisfied with my life for a year now, but it's the material things that have been bringing me down this time. Doesn't help having an ex who has kept an Excel file to keep track of our finances the four years we were together right down to making sure he's charged me the 4 cents I owe him for calling my mom on his long distance line. And let me say that it has indeed scarred me for life now. When friends want to share a soda nowadays, I still ask if they want me to pay for half of it.
I'm just pissed mostly because I don't think I'm a bad person and I know evil bastards who are swimming in loot. I'm not saying that I want things in return for all the good things and social work I've done. But yes, it hurts when you feel like you've given so much and yet life sucks so bad sometimes. I worry about finances before I go to bed now and then and usually wind up crying myself to sleep. I'm not happy about not being able to try new recipes on the Food Network because I can't afford to purchase the ingredients. I'm devastated that neither of my parents can afford to come to my graduation.
This is not about wallowing in self-pity. This is not about digging for sympathy because sympathy does nothing. This is about being human and having my right to bitch about feeling like crap for now. I go to school full-time, I work, I volunteer, I intern and even try selling my personal belongings on ebay when I need the money.
I know I'll be fine someday but right now, it's heartbreaking.
I've been going through some pretty tough months and it's not fun. Sometimes I try not to think about them and I pretend I'm happy for the sake of others. I do believe in sharing your feelings and discussing problems with your close friends, but I do not believe in taking out my anger on them. So I try not to feel bitchy at friends and people I see who are not having financial issues. But it is hard.
It's tough to see and hear about people and friends going on shopping sprees buying their thousand dollar shoes, handbags, digital goodies and such when I'm here thinking twice about satisfying a ten dollar Pizza Hut craving because I may not make next month's rent and bills if I do. It sucks seeing shopping carts filled to the brim with food when I'm staring at the shelves trying to locate the cheapest bread. It's sickening to see college people being funded by their rich relatives taking their classes so lightly while I'm owing tens of thousands in student loans. I wish I could ask for donations from them since they have so much extra cash to throw around for unnecessary things.
I could hit myself when I think of those times I spent oodles of money on trendy clothes every few weeks instead of paying off student loans just to impress my ex when we were together. Or the times I would offer to buy drinks at the bar just so he would take me along on weekends. No one needs to tells me that it's a stupid way to gain someone's love. But at the time, just being me wasn't enough. Didn't help that the real me drowning in low self-esteem and emotional abuse anyway. But let me tell you, that's how I learned that retail therapy isn't a long term solution. Material goods and bubble baths may raise your spirits for some time, but unless you're healed deep down emotionally, pretty dresses and glittery new make-up only gets you so far.
Financial issues are really taking a toll on me. What's funny is that I've been happy and satisfied with my life for a year now, but it's the material things that have been bringing me down this time. Doesn't help having an ex who has kept an Excel file to keep track of our finances the four years we were together right down to making sure he's charged me the 4 cents I owe him for calling my mom on his long distance line. And let me say that it has indeed scarred me for life now. When friends want to share a soda nowadays, I still ask if they want me to pay for half of it.
I'm just pissed mostly because I don't think I'm a bad person and I know evil bastards who are swimming in loot. I'm not saying that I want things in return for all the good things and social work I've done. But yes, it hurts when you feel like you've given so much and yet life sucks so bad sometimes. I worry about finances before I go to bed now and then and usually wind up crying myself to sleep. I'm not happy about not being able to try new recipes on the Food Network because I can't afford to purchase the ingredients. I'm devastated that neither of my parents can afford to come to my graduation.
This is not about wallowing in self-pity. This is not about digging for sympathy because sympathy does nothing. This is about being human and having my right to bitch about feeling like crap for now. I go to school full-time, I work, I volunteer, I intern and even try selling my personal belongings on ebay when I need the money.
I know I'll be fine someday but right now, it's heartbreaking.