LJ Idol Week 19: I Can't Get Calm
CW: mention of rape, miscarriage, abuse
My heart was thundering in my chest, threatening to break free from my ribs. I feared it might give my location away. I didn’t dare breathe, instead, I held the air in my lungs until they felt ready to burst. I cowered underneath the stone ledge, praying that I was hidden from sight.
“Where are you?” The melodious voice sent chills down my spine. “We will find you, it’s only a matter of time.”
Twigs cracked above me. Someone was right there, close enough I could reach out and grab if I wanted to.
“Lucy?” another voice spoke to me, barely a whisper.
It was Evan.
I closed my eyes and told myself to stay quiet. He got us into this mess in the first place. This was his idea. His dream. He’d always wanted to hike the Appalachian Trail and used my desire to reconnect to drag me into this mess.
I fucking hated hiking, and he knew it.
“Lucy?” his voice came again, this time closer.
Dammit, Evan, you’re going to lead them right here, I thought.
He had a target on his back. It was his idea to venture off the trail, to explore the area without the aid of a map. Who knew there were tribes living within these woods?
The woman’s voice from earlier called out once more.
“Come out and we’ll make your death quick, I promise.”
I closed my eyes to stop the tears from falling. All I could see was Evan’s face.
Evan’s brown eyes used to bring me so much comfort. I’d described him to my foster mom as having the kindest, gentlest face - and the heart to match. I’d told her that being with him had felt like coming home. That was back when we were seventeen. I was about to age out of the system and needed someone to call family. At the time, Evan had filled that role for me.
“Lucy, please--help me,” his voice begged from somewhere nearby.
Help me.
Help me.
I kept hearing those words in my ears, but he wasn’t the one speaking them.
I was.
“Help me, Evan. Help me to understand.”
“What is there to understand, Lucy? I told you, I no longer want to have kids. I’m allowed to change my mind.”
Not after the child is already conceived, Evan. That’s not how it works.
I placed a hand on my flat belly. There was a black hole inside of me now. A permanent ache inside of me that would never go away.
Evan was supposed to be my family. We were going to have kids together, and I would have the life I always wanted.
Then he changed his mind.
Then he took me on this camping trip to try to make up for the life that was no longer growing inside of me.
The bruises on my belly had long since healed, but I could still feel them. I’d always feel them.
Calm down, he told me. It’ll be quick.
I can’t calm down, Evan. I’ll never forgive you.
I never spoke those words out loud. I didn’t have the guts to say them to his face.
I opened my eyes and could see clearly through the darkness now. I was on the bank of a dried-up creek, and not too far away from me was Evan. He saw me and was headed for me.
I gripped the knife in my hand, feeling the cool metal against my palm.
“Don’t come near me,” I said.
“Do you believe them? That I tried to rape one of their girls?” His voice was barely a whisper. “Come on, Lucy. You know me-- you know I would never do that.”
Did I? I thought back to the years I’d spent with Evan. He’d shown me one side of him in the beginning. The good side. The side of him that I fell in love with.
The Evan I fell in love with never would have raped anyone. The Evan that killed the life inside of me? Well, that one I didn’t know so well.
“I don’t even know you,” I whispered back to him.
“Of course you do, babygirl,” he cooed, walking closer to me. “It’s me. It’s your Lovebug.”
I held the knife out so he could see it. “Don’t take another step.”
“Or what? You’ll kill me?” His voice was louder now. He was getting closer. “Because we both know that you don’t have it in you to kill me.”
He was right. I couldn’t even kill a fly, much less a human. I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“I don’t have to kill you, Evan,” I spoke louder than before “They’ll do it for me.”
He froze, staring at me as if I’d betrayed him. He thought I was the monster here. Of course, he did, because no one ever thought of themselves as evil. Abusers always saw themselves as the good guys put into difficult situations. It was always an accident or someone else’s fault.
“He’s over here!” I called out.
“You bitch,” Evan muttered, lunging toward me.
But it was too late.
They were upon us, their arrows penetrating his flesh, causing him to slump over into the creek bed, screaming in agony.
I stood there as they came for him, dragging him away. He was still screaming, still fighting.
“Calm down, Evan. it’ll be over in a few minutes,” I called out to him.
And for the first time in months, a smile pulled at my lips.
The elder walked over to me, holding out her hand. I gave her the knife.
“Sorry I couldn’t use it on him,” I said.
“It’s alright, dear. You did the right thing in the end.”
She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and led me back to their village.
She led me back home.