LJ Idol Goodbye Post. 3rd Place :)
At the beginning of the season, I wanted nothing more than to win. Or at least I thought that's what I wanted.
I know I’ve come a long way this season when it hit me... I no longer needed to win. I'd rather go out at 3rd place (or 7th place... of hell, even 189th place for that matter) and go out feeling good about myself. I've truly come a long way.
There have been good times and bad times, and lately I've let the bad get far too personal for my own liking. Which isn't a good thing for a game I love way too much. I don't hold how anyone plays the game against them, but some things are beyond the scope of the game and those things were taken too personally.
I’m thankful for the B.S that was thrown at me lately. From the asshat who attacked me without reason to a friend who’s known to back out of their end of bargains after they’ve benefited from me helping them and made a deal to return the favor ... Even the bad experiences have shaped me and made me stronger this season. Because it put things into perspective and made me realize how many people I had supporting me on my journey.
Of course there were more good things than bad. There always is with Idol. I wouldn’t have stayed in it for 10 months had things not been good for me. I’ve learned a lot about myself along the way and one of the things I learned this season was that I didn’t want to win at all costs.
The people coming out and talking to me, supporting me... All that means more to me than poll numbers or an icon and a title. Seeing how people came forward and supported me through it all really made me put things into perspective.
Pimping is fine. I’ve never had an issue with it and I’ve been known to beg, plead and beg some more to survive the next round. I haven't had to do so until the last few weeks thankfully, but then I opted out of this round completely, knowing my fate would be sealed. Why is that? Because while I see nothing wrong with it, I realize that winning like that isn’t winning to me anyway. I’ve noticed that most of my friends who vote don’t read... And for me, it’s about the writing. I like the feedback. I like people clicking that box because they liked my entry not because I asked them too. Promoting my work is great, but I want them to actually read it. I want them to vote for it because they liked it. I know I'm not the best writer here, I never thought that I was. But having the feedback and support from people who enjoy what I do is more important than anything else in this game.
When someone made a comment last week on a Facebook pimp about hoping people actually read the entries... I looked back on my stats and it didn’t look like they had. And that’s when I realized that this wasn’t for me. Nothing against anyone, but on a personal level, this is not why I’m here. Getting a click in a little box isn’t what I’m here for. I want people to read and respond to my work, sure... But that means I actually want them to read. And I had a feeling most of those voting for me hadn’t even read a line of my work (or the other entries as well).
I often forget what I’m doing here in the heat of the moment, but this time, I didn’t let my pride get the best of me. I didn’t look at the poll, I distanced myself away from it all. I had a life outside of Idol and found that whether I stayed or went had little affect on my happiness. But begging for votes and possibly losing even more friends? That wouldn’t make me happy. That’s not why I’m here.
That’s why I say I’ve come a long way. At one point, I was here to win or just go as far as I can. Today I walk out of here knowing I’m here for the writing, for the reading, for the feedback and for the friends.
Over the last few weeks, friendships have been destroyed or stressed for this game. The person attacking me was someone I thought of as a friend. I’ve had others make snide backhanded comments here and there, and you know what? This isn’t worth losing friendships to me.
It wasn’t until I started the begging that I realized I was no longer happy. I stayed in because I felt obligated to after java_fiend sacrificed. Then when I had the tie-breaker, I actually cursed to myself when n3m3sis42 bowed out because she had beat me to dropping and made me feel obligated once again.
I love this game, I love the writing and the people. But I realize I wasn’t loving myself and how I was playing it. This is why I wrote what I did this week, it was meant to be my goodbye post. I knew going into this that I wasn’t pimping and that’s what I meant about going out on my terms.
And I did just that. I walk out of here proud and happy and there’s not an ounce of sadness inside me right now. Which is a first for me!
Okay, so I must say thank you to some specific people. I hope I don’t forget anyone.
First of all, thanks to clauderainsrm for putting this whole gig together and running it the way you do. You’re a fabulous moderator, likely the best I’ve seen in any community I’ve been in. You run things fairly and smoothly and you’re a great guy to boot.
And without you, I’d never have met my wonderful boyfriend java_fiend who has been nothing but the best to me through the ups and downs and who’s never written an entry for me, but who’s always put editing my piece first. He’s always there to help me grow as a writer, to teach me new things and to push me when I am just wanting to quit. He believes in me and he makes me want to believe in myself too.
One of the people I brought in this season was alien_infinity. We had hardly known each other at the time, but throughout the season she’s constantly been there to listen to me whine about my issues without judgement and she’s always been my 2nd beta reader (outside my boyfriend of course). She’s become one of my favorite people and she’s made Idol more fun this season for me. She was one of the first people I wanted to work with in intersections because I love her twisted brain so much. Plus, she’s just a lot of fun and a great friend too.
comedychick didn’t play, but she’s always been a cheerleader from the sidelines and I appreciate that. I can tell her things I can’t tell just anyone else and she was one of my favorite people from Season 6 and I’m glad that our friendship continues to grow. She even rides super scary roller coasters with me.
michikatinski is another one of my favorite people. She’s a newer friend, but also one I have the privilege of hanging out with in RL. She’s a fantastic writer and a wonderful friend who’s always been there through the good times and the bad. Another one of my cheerleaders when I need it the most (I am a lucky girl to have so many of those, aren’t I?). Besides, the also made one hell of an intersection partner and I still love our piece!
nyxocity is someone that is just outright awesome. Another person I consider lucky to have on my side. Thanks for the support and thank you for believing in me. Coming from a writer of your caliber, it really means a lot that you liked me enough and that you also stood up for me. Thank you for all your support.
joeymichaels made for an awesome champion and I am still honored that he agreed to work with me. Thank you for writing a fabulous piece and thank you for your e-mails of support as well. It means a lot.
sbcaitlin for following on this journey since season 6 while never playing yourself. You really should sign up next season. Thanks for your friendship through the years, your comments and messages always make me happy. You're awesome.
morning_stand introduced me to Idol, which in turn introduced me to my boyfriend. I am forever grateful to her for that. Plus, she’s pretty cool to hang out with in RL too!
n3m3sis42 is one cool chick and I really, really wish she hadn’t bowed out. I was ready to give the tie-breaker to her by not pimping then. Regardless, she’s been a great friend. She’s a new friend of mine from this season, but I look forward to getting to know her more outside Idol. She’s helped me many times over and she’s recced me a few times too... But regardless of how the game was played, she’s someone I respect and her friendship is appreciated.
milk_and_glass was one of my favorites early on, and she’s been a great friend throughout the season. I hope with Idol behind us, our friendship can grow because I admire this girl a heck of a lot. She’s been a good friend at times when she hardly even knew me, back when I needed a friend for my Annabelle troubles, and that to me really made her stand out as a good person, someone I want to get to know more.
sharya for believing in me and just being an awesome friend.
copyright1983 was the first person besides my boyfriend to tell me he thought I could win this. I will never ever forget that. I knew back then that even if I couldn’t make the Top 50, one person thought I was good enough to get this far. That means a lot to me actually.
whipchick was one of my earliest beta readers and her feedback helped A LOT. I learned so much from her and I appreciate her taking the time to offer that to me.
Can I just list out everyone who’s ever played or interacted in the community? Because I really could list something about every single person... But alas, I won’t do that. I hope I didn’t forget anyone. I’ve made countless friends who have been super awesome, and there’s no way I can list everyone out who’s shown me support and stepped up for me when crap hit the fan. But trust me when I say this... It really has helped me. More than you may ever realize.
I know I’ve come a long way this season when it hit me... I no longer needed to win. I'd rather go out at 3rd place (or 7th place... of hell, even 189th place for that matter) and go out feeling good about myself. I've truly come a long way.
There have been good times and bad times, and lately I've let the bad get far too personal for my own liking. Which isn't a good thing for a game I love way too much. I don't hold how anyone plays the game against them, but some things are beyond the scope of the game and those things were taken too personally.
I’m thankful for the B.S that was thrown at me lately. From the asshat who attacked me without reason to a friend who’s known to back out of their end of bargains after they’ve benefited from me helping them and made a deal to return the favor ... Even the bad experiences have shaped me and made me stronger this season. Because it put things into perspective and made me realize how many people I had supporting me on my journey.
Of course there were more good things than bad. There always is with Idol. I wouldn’t have stayed in it for 10 months had things not been good for me. I’ve learned a lot about myself along the way and one of the things I learned this season was that I didn’t want to win at all costs.
The people coming out and talking to me, supporting me... All that means more to me than poll numbers or an icon and a title. Seeing how people came forward and supported me through it all really made me put things into perspective.
Pimping is fine. I’ve never had an issue with it and I’ve been known to beg, plead and beg some more to survive the next round. I haven't had to do so until the last few weeks thankfully, but then I opted out of this round completely, knowing my fate would be sealed. Why is that? Because while I see nothing wrong with it, I realize that winning like that isn’t winning to me anyway. I’ve noticed that most of my friends who vote don’t read... And for me, it’s about the writing. I like the feedback. I like people clicking that box because they liked my entry not because I asked them too. Promoting my work is great, but I want them to actually read it. I want them to vote for it because they liked it. I know I'm not the best writer here, I never thought that I was. But having the feedback and support from people who enjoy what I do is more important than anything else in this game.
When someone made a comment last week on a Facebook pimp about hoping people actually read the entries... I looked back on my stats and it didn’t look like they had. And that’s when I realized that this wasn’t for me. Nothing against anyone, but on a personal level, this is not why I’m here. Getting a click in a little box isn’t what I’m here for. I want people to read and respond to my work, sure... But that means I actually want them to read. And I had a feeling most of those voting for me hadn’t even read a line of my work (or the other entries as well).
I often forget what I’m doing here in the heat of the moment, but this time, I didn’t let my pride get the best of me. I didn’t look at the poll, I distanced myself away from it all. I had a life outside of Idol and found that whether I stayed or went had little affect on my happiness. But begging for votes and possibly losing even more friends? That wouldn’t make me happy. That’s not why I’m here.
That’s why I say I’ve come a long way. At one point, I was here to win or just go as far as I can. Today I walk out of here knowing I’m here for the writing, for the reading, for the feedback and for the friends.
Over the last few weeks, friendships have been destroyed or stressed for this game. The person attacking me was someone I thought of as a friend. I’ve had others make snide backhanded comments here and there, and you know what? This isn’t worth losing friendships to me.
It wasn’t until I started the begging that I realized I was no longer happy. I stayed in because I felt obligated to after java_fiend sacrificed. Then when I had the tie-breaker, I actually cursed to myself when n3m3sis42 bowed out because she had beat me to dropping and made me feel obligated once again.
I love this game, I love the writing and the people. But I realize I wasn’t loving myself and how I was playing it. This is why I wrote what I did this week, it was meant to be my goodbye post. I knew going into this that I wasn’t pimping and that’s what I meant about going out on my terms.
And I did just that. I walk out of here proud and happy and there’s not an ounce of sadness inside me right now. Which is a first for me!
Okay, so I must say thank you to some specific people. I hope I don’t forget anyone.
First of all, thanks to clauderainsrm for putting this whole gig together and running it the way you do. You’re a fabulous moderator, likely the best I’ve seen in any community I’ve been in. You run things fairly and smoothly and you’re a great guy to boot.
And without you, I’d never have met my wonderful boyfriend java_fiend who has been nothing but the best to me through the ups and downs and who’s never written an entry for me, but who’s always put editing my piece first. He’s always there to help me grow as a writer, to teach me new things and to push me when I am just wanting to quit. He believes in me and he makes me want to believe in myself too.
One of the people I brought in this season was alien_infinity. We had hardly known each other at the time, but throughout the season she’s constantly been there to listen to me whine about my issues without judgement and she’s always been my 2nd beta reader (outside my boyfriend of course). She’s become one of my favorite people and she’s made Idol more fun this season for me. She was one of the first people I wanted to work with in intersections because I love her twisted brain so much. Plus, she’s just a lot of fun and a great friend too.
comedychick didn’t play, but she’s always been a cheerleader from the sidelines and I appreciate that. I can tell her things I can’t tell just anyone else and she was one of my favorite people from Season 6 and I’m glad that our friendship continues to grow. She even rides super scary roller coasters with me.
michikatinski is another one of my favorite people. She’s a newer friend, but also one I have the privilege of hanging out with in RL. She’s a fantastic writer and a wonderful friend who’s always been there through the good times and the bad. Another one of my cheerleaders when I need it the most (I am a lucky girl to have so many of those, aren’t I?). Besides, the also made one hell of an intersection partner and I still love our piece!
nyxocity is someone that is just outright awesome. Another person I consider lucky to have on my side. Thanks for the support and thank you for believing in me. Coming from a writer of your caliber, it really means a lot that you liked me enough and that you also stood up for me. Thank you for all your support.
joeymichaels made for an awesome champion and I am still honored that he agreed to work with me. Thank you for writing a fabulous piece and thank you for your e-mails of support as well. It means a lot.
sbcaitlin for following on this journey since season 6 while never playing yourself. You really should sign up next season. Thanks for your friendship through the years, your comments and messages always make me happy. You're awesome.
morning_stand introduced me to Idol, which in turn introduced me to my boyfriend. I am forever grateful to her for that. Plus, she’s pretty cool to hang out with in RL too!
n3m3sis42 is one cool chick and I really, really wish she hadn’t bowed out. I was ready to give the tie-breaker to her by not pimping then. Regardless, she’s been a great friend. She’s a new friend of mine from this season, but I look forward to getting to know her more outside Idol. She’s helped me many times over and she’s recced me a few times too... But regardless of how the game was played, she’s someone I respect and her friendship is appreciated.
milk_and_glass was one of my favorites early on, and she’s been a great friend throughout the season. I hope with Idol behind us, our friendship can grow because I admire this girl a heck of a lot. She’s been a good friend at times when she hardly even knew me, back when I needed a friend for my Annabelle troubles, and that to me really made her stand out as a good person, someone I want to get to know more.
sharya for believing in me and just being an awesome friend.
copyright1983 was the first person besides my boyfriend to tell me he thought I could win this. I will never ever forget that. I knew back then that even if I couldn’t make the Top 50, one person thought I was good enough to get this far. That means a lot to me actually.
whipchick was one of my earliest beta readers and her feedback helped A LOT. I learned so much from her and I appreciate her taking the time to offer that to me.
Can I just list out everyone who’s ever played or interacted in the community? Because I really could list something about every single person... But alas, I won’t do that. I hope I didn’t forget anyone. I’ve made countless friends who have been super awesome, and there’s no way I can list everyone out who’s shown me support and stepped up for me when crap hit the fan. But trust me when I say this... It really has helped me. More than you may ever realize.