Brain Purge.
Kinda random. Here goes:
It's not even midnight yet, but I'm so tired. I stayed up procrastinating on writing a Japanese paper, and then slept for a few hours and then woke up and stopped bumming around youtube and actually did my paper. I think it was too short and pretty terrible, but I'm satisfied that I finished it, at least.
Youtube will be the new death of me. I'm not getting my fix or feeding my addictions for material things and fashion and shallowness on Japanese TV, so I rewatched a couple of seasons of America's Next Top Model, caught up with Project Runway Season 4, and then tried to watch the UK version, Project Catwalk. But it felt like a documentary, so I let it drone on in the background while I "wrote my paper." Then I found Canada's Next Top Model, which since they changed the host from Tricia to Mr. Jay and added Nole Marin as creative director, it has IMPROVED immensely. Cycle 2 is highly recommended. Cycle 1 is NOT. I miss Bravo.
I think my english has been getting weird. I had another paper due for my History of Korea class, and I asked my brother to check it over for me, and right away he tells me that my first sentence is wrong. I read it over a few times, and give up, because I can't see what's wrong with it. At all. So I ask him, and he tells me that my sentence is missing a predicate. Yeah. Like an entire half of the sentence is missing. I can't really make complete sentences in English anymore. I hope I can attribute it to lack of sleep. Oh dear. Going back to the US will be fun. =3
brrr..I'm always so cold here! I hate being cold. Even with the heater on (which SUCKS, btw) my fingers and toes are always cold. Socks don't help. Woe.
My housemate came back from Singapore today, and she brought lots of Ghibli movies and pineapple tarts and dried mango with her. The good kind, the kind that looks and tastes like they peeled it right off of the pit in jagged pieces and then just let it dry without adding anything. ...I miss mango. She gave me her futon, too, so now I'm sleeping on something much softer and warmer.
I couldn't take any more pictures of the snow day. I was running late, and by the time I left campus for good the snow was rain and there was mostly just slush on the ground. Yotsuya was sooo beautiful though.
..hm. I haven't talked about going to concerts lately. I had to skip a Kaya show because I was too busy which made me a bit sad. But last Sunday I want to Style Illusion vol. 2, and I saw Lolita 23q, Sadie, lynch, Moi dix Mois, D'espairs Ray, and Plastic Tree. ...that was amazing. I fell so hard in love with Sadie and Plastic Tree. It really took me too long. And seeing Moi dix Mois and Mana in person...certainly not anti-climactic. He looks like a man in a frilly dress in person. I don't mind, because his makeup was absolutely perfect. After D'espairs Ray, I spotted a pick Zero had thrown that landed around me, and on my way down to pick it up, a girl behind me dove down and reached between my legs grabbing madly for it, so naturally, on the way down, I managed to sit on her head. ...oops. Uhm...I almost felt bad. But I also felt a bit weird that she reached between my legs. So the weird overrode the bad, and I kept the pick. It lives in my purse for now.
YuI from Zipcy for some reason viewed me on mixi twice, so I grew a pair for a few minutes and sent him a message asking if he remembered me and I sent a friend request. He messaged back the same night, accepting my request...and saying that he didn't. XDDDDDD ahahahaha ouch. I gave that guy my purikura. XD Well, I haven't gone to see Zipcy in awhile, so I guess that's expected. There's one of him and lots of people that go see him perform at all of those live houses. And it's not like he meanders around like Haru and Isami do. I wouldn't seriously expect him to remember me anyways. Hm...at least he put a sad face next to his "Gomennasai". When I sign on again, I'll have to remember to make him feel bad. Or just wish him luck on Zipcy's next show.
Earlier, I was being all weird about being 22 and still feeling and being aimless. I told one of my housemates, who is 32, about how I was feeling about being behind and I feel like I can't get anywhere and I feel like I can't make myself a future, and I think I broke her mind. She stared at me and kept saying "YOU'RE SO YOUNG. YOU'RE SO YOUNG. STOP IT. YOU'RE YOUNG. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SAYING THIS..." I quit going to Cyber because I all of a sudden felt too old to be there. I haven't been in a couple months...hence my not seeing Zipcy because they play there all of the time. I feel behind in everything. But even though I feel that way, I was considering trying to delay graduation for another semester, because I want to go to France to study French and drink copious amounts of wine, but mostly to study French. Part of me feels like it'll just end up kicking my ass. French is nuts. But part of me feels an obligation to learn it. I really want to. But paying for another semester of school..and in another country....ouch.
But anyways. It's so odd to feel old at 22. I realize this. I think it's the lack of progression I'm seeing in my life. ...I guess mainly in the love aspect, because...okay, I'll admit. That's a very very important thing to me. More important than it should be, probably. Paramount. I maybe watched too much Sailor Moon as a child. I'm one of those icky hopeless romantics that doesn't believe life is worth living without love. I understand there's lots of love, love for your family, love for your friends, love for strawberry crepes or puppies or the earth, but romantic love is something different. It's a different feeling and a different experience. That's what I want. But, I'm not silly enough to believe that I can go looking for it and I'll find it. I know that it'll come when it comes and when it's ready. But I also know that there are people out there that just don't have that type of love, whether they don't want it or can't find it or it's just gone sour too many times and they can't take it. So, while I know that's what I want in my life, I am also aware that I could very well end up by myself for the rest of my life. And since I've decided that I am most definitely NOT going to settle, no matter how desperately lonely I get, it's a reality. I know I'm not even in a good position or mindset for that type of a relationship. I think I'm too flawed, and if anything, being here in Japan has showed me how much. I can't even count how many times I've thought I've made friends, but next thing I know I'm being ignored or forgotten for someone more interesting or more I don't even know what, besides less me. And so many others that haven't even given me a proper chance. And since it's happened so many times, it must be me. I almost REFUSE to believe that there's that many people that suck that badly out there. And...I don't know. So many people I know are having happy new relationships or marrying into loving old ones or at least meeting new people...and I just sit around by myself and wonder what's wrong with me. Uhm...and I've forgotten exactly how this ties in to me feeling old. BUT, I decided that I should try to not even bother with this ridiculously intense desire for companionship anymore. I'm 22, I have an assload of student loans to pay for when I finally graduate college, so I need to get my ass in gear, get some sort of aim, and be sure I can get myself a decent-paying job SOMEWHERE when I do graduate so I can finish paying off those loans no later than age 60, maybe. After all, love doesn't really make the world go 'round. It's MONEY. =3 It really, really is. And wow this is long and slightly embarrassing, so I'm going to cut this.
Okay, now it's almost 130am, so I'm allowed to be sleepy.
GUTENACHT.
It's not even midnight yet, but I'm so tired. I stayed up procrastinating on writing a Japanese paper, and then slept for a few hours and then woke up and stopped bumming around youtube and actually did my paper. I think it was too short and pretty terrible, but I'm satisfied that I finished it, at least.
Youtube will be the new death of me. I'm not getting my fix or feeding my addictions for material things and fashion and shallowness on Japanese TV, so I rewatched a couple of seasons of America's Next Top Model, caught up with Project Runway Season 4, and then tried to watch the UK version, Project Catwalk. But it felt like a documentary, so I let it drone on in the background while I "wrote my paper." Then I found Canada's Next Top Model, which since they changed the host from Tricia to Mr. Jay and added Nole Marin as creative director, it has IMPROVED immensely. Cycle 2 is highly recommended. Cycle 1 is NOT. I miss Bravo.
I think my english has been getting weird. I had another paper due for my History of Korea class, and I asked my brother to check it over for me, and right away he tells me that my first sentence is wrong. I read it over a few times, and give up, because I can't see what's wrong with it. At all. So I ask him, and he tells me that my sentence is missing a predicate. Yeah. Like an entire half of the sentence is missing. I can't really make complete sentences in English anymore. I hope I can attribute it to lack of sleep. Oh dear. Going back to the US will be fun. =3
brrr..I'm always so cold here! I hate being cold. Even with the heater on (which SUCKS, btw) my fingers and toes are always cold. Socks don't help. Woe.
My housemate came back from Singapore today, and she brought lots of Ghibli movies and pineapple tarts and dried mango with her. The good kind, the kind that looks and tastes like they peeled it right off of the pit in jagged pieces and then just let it dry without adding anything. ...I miss mango. She gave me her futon, too, so now I'm sleeping on something much softer and warmer.
I couldn't take any more pictures of the snow day. I was running late, and by the time I left campus for good the snow was rain and there was mostly just slush on the ground. Yotsuya was sooo beautiful though.
..hm. I haven't talked about going to concerts lately. I had to skip a Kaya show because I was too busy which made me a bit sad. But last Sunday I want to Style Illusion vol. 2, and I saw Lolita 23q, Sadie, lynch, Moi dix Mois, D'espairs Ray, and Plastic Tree. ...that was amazing. I fell so hard in love with Sadie and Plastic Tree. It really took me too long. And seeing Moi dix Mois and Mana in person...certainly not anti-climactic. He looks like a man in a frilly dress in person. I don't mind, because his makeup was absolutely perfect. After D'espairs Ray, I spotted a pick Zero had thrown that landed around me, and on my way down to pick it up, a girl behind me dove down and reached between my legs grabbing madly for it, so naturally, on the way down, I managed to sit on her head. ...oops. Uhm...I almost felt bad. But I also felt a bit weird that she reached between my legs. So the weird overrode the bad, and I kept the pick. It lives in my purse for now.
YuI from Zipcy for some reason viewed me on mixi twice, so I grew a pair for a few minutes and sent him a message asking if he remembered me and I sent a friend request. He messaged back the same night, accepting my request...and saying that he didn't. XDDDDDD ahahahaha ouch. I gave that guy my purikura. XD Well, I haven't gone to see Zipcy in awhile, so I guess that's expected. There's one of him and lots of people that go see him perform at all of those live houses. And it's not like he meanders around like Haru and Isami do. I wouldn't seriously expect him to remember me anyways. Hm...at least he put a sad face next to his "Gomennasai". When I sign on again, I'll have to remember to make him feel bad. Or just wish him luck on Zipcy's next show.
Earlier, I was being all weird about being 22 and still feeling and being aimless. I told one of my housemates, who is 32, about how I was feeling about being behind and I feel like I can't get anywhere and I feel like I can't make myself a future, and I think I broke her mind. She stared at me and kept saying "YOU'RE SO YOUNG. YOU'RE SO YOUNG. STOP IT. YOU'RE YOUNG. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SAYING THIS..." I quit going to Cyber because I all of a sudden felt too old to be there. I haven't been in a couple months...hence my not seeing Zipcy because they play there all of the time. I feel behind in everything. But even though I feel that way, I was considering trying to delay graduation for another semester, because I want to go to France to study French and drink copious amounts of wine, but mostly to study French. Part of me feels like it'll just end up kicking my ass. French is nuts. But part of me feels an obligation to learn it. I really want to. But paying for another semester of school..and in another country....ouch.
But anyways. It's so odd to feel old at 22. I realize this. I think it's the lack of progression I'm seeing in my life. ...I guess mainly in the love aspect, because...okay, I'll admit. That's a very very important thing to me. More important than it should be, probably. Paramount. I maybe watched too much Sailor Moon as a child. I'm one of those icky hopeless romantics that doesn't believe life is worth living without love. I understand there's lots of love, love for your family, love for your friends, love for strawberry crepes or puppies or the earth, but romantic love is something different. It's a different feeling and a different experience. That's what I want. But, I'm not silly enough to believe that I can go looking for it and I'll find it. I know that it'll come when it comes and when it's ready. But I also know that there are people out there that just don't have that type of love, whether they don't want it or can't find it or it's just gone sour too many times and they can't take it. So, while I know that's what I want in my life, I am also aware that I could very well end up by myself for the rest of my life. And since I've decided that I am most definitely NOT going to settle, no matter how desperately lonely I get, it's a reality. I know I'm not even in a good position or mindset for that type of a relationship. I think I'm too flawed, and if anything, being here in Japan has showed me how much. I can't even count how many times I've thought I've made friends, but next thing I know I'm being ignored or forgotten for someone more interesting or more I don't even know what, besides less me. And so many others that haven't even given me a proper chance. And since it's happened so many times, it must be me. I almost REFUSE to believe that there's that many people that suck that badly out there. And...I don't know. So many people I know are having happy new relationships or marrying into loving old ones or at least meeting new people...and I just sit around by myself and wonder what's wrong with me. Uhm...and I've forgotten exactly how this ties in to me feeling old. BUT, I decided that I should try to not even bother with this ridiculously intense desire for companionship anymore. I'm 22, I have an assload of student loans to pay for when I finally graduate college, so I need to get my ass in gear, get some sort of aim, and be sure I can get myself a decent-paying job SOMEWHERE when I do graduate so I can finish paying off those loans no later than age 60, maybe. After all, love doesn't really make the world go 'round. It's MONEY. =3 It really, really is. And wow this is long and slightly embarrassing, so I'm going to cut this.
Okay, now it's almost 130am, so I'm allowed to be sleepy.
GUTENACHT.