Maybe I should go to bed?
So I haven't updated in ages. At least it feels like ages. And its because I didn't want to bring any of the blah feelings I've been having into it. But it looks fairly unavoidable at this point. Maybe if I get it all out I can move forward? Also, today I've found myself feeling that its OK to feel like this... that its part of ...life?? And to just be happy... anyway. If that makes zero sense.
I've been fighting with myself, trying really hard... k not "really hard" cause if I had tried REALLY HARD I would have been successful... but I've been working on some bad habits that I want to be rid of. And I've been struggling a lot with what my definition of Happiness is, what my definition of success is... and what my definition of a Woman is... or a "Good Woman" or whatever. /glares at Gackt So I've been trying to sort through bits of information, peoples opinions, my own past opinions, my current actions, what I fancy myself to be, etc. It's like trying on clothes 'till I find the one that fits me perfectly. So far I haven't found it, dunno if I will but I guess I'll keep trying.
Bad habits are so hard to break. I find myself doing the thing I don't want to do... or not doing the thing I want to do... and I wonder why... If I can see what I'm doing wrong.. I should be able to just stop right?
Taking sleeping as an example. I do far too much of it. Its embarrassing but I do. And I wake up at some point and say "five more minutes and I'll get up." Only I don't, I'll get up 2 or 3 hours later. I know what I'm doing is stupid. Why can't I change this habit. People tell me "go to bed earlier, you'll get up earlier." I tried. I still get up at about the same time, the only difference is now Ive slept that many hours longer. I don't have any excuses to make. I don't want to make excuses. I know I'm not getting up because I don't want to get up. So I have to want to get up, right? How do I go about wanting to get up?? I'll just have to keep trying. Eventually, when I off my ass and get a job, I'll HAVE to get up whether I like it or not right? That's going to be a bitch to deal with if I don't start fixing this sleep pattern NOW.
I'm still trying to learn Japanese. Though I did slack off again for a little while and not do anything for a little over a week. Then I tried to practice my kanji /hiragana etc by trying to translate those little phrases or whatever that pop up during Japanese programming. I bought a work book thing... I don't remember if I mentioned it before. And I've been slowly working through it. Also trying to organize my note books and word lists and what not. But its one of those things that I have on my list of things I want to do that I just don't do. I'll literally be sitting here sometimes and think "oh I should study some Japanese. Oh I should read this book. Oh I should work on my painting," but instead of actually doing it I just sit here and do nothing. I played jigsawdoku for 2 hours straight once. .... just so you know it takes me on average, 3 minutes to do a puzzle. So, you see how stupid I'm being.
/sigh. I have to simply stop being stupid and get my ass in gear. That's all it boils down to. It's all on me and I have no excuses. Now, if I could just get over this hump of bleeeeeeeeeeeeh and actually start doing. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I should Just Do.
And I really wouldn't mind if G-sama stopped showing up in my dreams as my guilty conscience. Stop hovering! lol
I've been fighting with myself, trying really hard... k not "really hard" cause if I had tried REALLY HARD I would have been successful... but I've been working on some bad habits that I want to be rid of. And I've been struggling a lot with what my definition of Happiness is, what my definition of success is... and what my definition of a Woman is... or a "Good Woman" or whatever. /glares at Gackt So I've been trying to sort through bits of information, peoples opinions, my own past opinions, my current actions, what I fancy myself to be, etc. It's like trying on clothes 'till I find the one that fits me perfectly. So far I haven't found it, dunno if I will but I guess I'll keep trying.
Bad habits are so hard to break. I find myself doing the thing I don't want to do... or not doing the thing I want to do... and I wonder why... If I can see what I'm doing wrong.. I should be able to just stop right?
Taking sleeping as an example. I do far too much of it. Its embarrassing but I do. And I wake up at some point and say "five more minutes and I'll get up." Only I don't, I'll get up 2 or 3 hours later. I know what I'm doing is stupid. Why can't I change this habit. People tell me "go to bed earlier, you'll get up earlier." I tried. I still get up at about the same time, the only difference is now Ive slept that many hours longer. I don't have any excuses to make. I don't want to make excuses. I know I'm not getting up because I don't want to get up. So I have to want to get up, right? How do I go about wanting to get up?? I'll just have to keep trying. Eventually, when I off my ass and get a job, I'll HAVE to get up whether I like it or not right? That's going to be a bitch to deal with if I don't start fixing this sleep pattern NOW.
I'm still trying to learn Japanese. Though I did slack off again for a little while and not do anything for a little over a week. Then I tried to practice my kanji /hiragana etc by trying to translate those little phrases or whatever that pop up during Japanese programming. I bought a work book thing... I don't remember if I mentioned it before. And I've been slowly working through it. Also trying to organize my note books and word lists and what not. But its one of those things that I have on my list of things I want to do that I just don't do. I'll literally be sitting here sometimes and think "oh I should study some Japanese. Oh I should read this book. Oh I should work on my painting," but instead of actually doing it I just sit here and do nothing. I played jigsawdoku for 2 hours straight once. .... just so you know it takes me on average, 3 minutes to do a puzzle. So, you see how stupid I'm being.
/sigh. I have to simply stop being stupid and get my ass in gear. That's all it boils down to. It's all on me and I have no excuses. Now, if I could just get over this hump of bleeeeeeeeeeeeh and actually start doing. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I should Just Do.
And I really wouldn't mind if G-sama stopped showing up in my dreams as my guilty conscience. Stop hovering! lol