for everything
J,
You died a year ago today. I can still feel the stabbing pain I felt when I found out. I was walking towards red square from the fountain on campus. I literally fell to my knees when I heard the news. Thank you J-, for all the times we kicked it. For all the times at your house, playing pool in your basement, the studio in the garage, in your ghetto Baja, the asian art museum, and most memorably the emergency room and denny’s in the middle of nowhere near federal way. I’m sorry for spilling beer on your carpet, or wait was that you? I’m sorry you sliced your finger open in your garage when we were messing around in the studio. I’m sorry that I didn’t catch all the blood you dripped on the way to your bathroom. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you to stop looking at your hand and to sit on the toilet sooner. Your face went white and I couldn’t help but giggle at you a bit. It was then I decided we should get you to a hospital. I’m sorry I didn’t know where I was going on the way to the ER. I had to help you sign your name when we got there. It was cute. You were cute. We had a great time in the ER. Do you remember that we went to denny’s because we were starving after they patched up your finger? We called L- from there. I think we took pictures there because there was just something hilarious about the entire evening. I’m glad you were able to laugh. I know you were trying to impress me in your studio when you proceeded to injure yourself. I know you were embarrassed but I thought it was sweet. You gave me a glass female figure you made. It was for my birthday and was, by far, the coolest fucking gift I got. When it started cracking you said you would fix it for me. . . I wish I had made you do that. I’m sorry about that birthday all together. I was so happy you came out to pat’s house. When we went into the back yard you told me you had a big crush on me. You told me you thought I was beautiful inside as well as out. Joey, I had always thought the same about you. I had a crush on you too, but I was on the spot, and cracked as I usually do in such situations. I will never forget all of what you said to me from that tire swing though and I am so so sorry that my ex-boyfriend was eavesdropping on our conversation and flipped the fuck out. I felt really bad at the time. You didn’t deserve that kind of a reaction from anyone after you had been so honest. I’m sorry that nothing ever happened between us. I’m sorry I thought you developed a huge ego a few years later during your show at the glass house. It made me uncomfortable that our common wavelength had fallen away. I felt like I didn’t know how to talk to you anymore. You were so mad at me when I started dating C- and it didn’t seem to go away until the very end. I don’t know why, but you dying was so hard for me. I guess we always had some unfinished business. My life spiraled out of control a year ago today. So much shit happened as a reaction to your death. In the long run, some of what did happen was good. At the time though, my world was literally caving in on me. I didn’t think I would survive many of those times. I didn’t trust myself with myself during that time. I was in a state of the most painful numb imaginable. A large part of my life died with you and the months following. I never knew how hard it would be to start from scratch. I didn’t think I could do it at the time. I thought that I would never feel normal again. I thought I would never feel anything again period. Now that my feelings are back they are at full force. I feel everything a little deeper, and each time, each hurt, each betrayal is a little more poignant. I’m sorry J-. For everything. And thank you J-. For everything.
You died a year ago today. I can still feel the stabbing pain I felt when I found out. I was walking towards red square from the fountain on campus. I literally fell to my knees when I heard the news. Thank you J-, for all the times we kicked it. For all the times at your house, playing pool in your basement, the studio in the garage, in your ghetto Baja, the asian art museum, and most memorably the emergency room and denny’s in the middle of nowhere near federal way. I’m sorry for spilling beer on your carpet, or wait was that you? I’m sorry you sliced your finger open in your garage when we were messing around in the studio. I’m sorry that I didn’t catch all the blood you dripped on the way to your bathroom. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you to stop looking at your hand and to sit on the toilet sooner. Your face went white and I couldn’t help but giggle at you a bit. It was then I decided we should get you to a hospital. I’m sorry I didn’t know where I was going on the way to the ER. I had to help you sign your name when we got there. It was cute. You were cute. We had a great time in the ER. Do you remember that we went to denny’s because we were starving after they patched up your finger? We called L- from there. I think we took pictures there because there was just something hilarious about the entire evening. I’m glad you were able to laugh. I know you were trying to impress me in your studio when you proceeded to injure yourself. I know you were embarrassed but I thought it was sweet. You gave me a glass female figure you made. It was for my birthday and was, by far, the coolest fucking gift I got. When it started cracking you said you would fix it for me. . . I wish I had made you do that. I’m sorry about that birthday all together. I was so happy you came out to pat’s house. When we went into the back yard you told me you had a big crush on me. You told me you thought I was beautiful inside as well as out. Joey, I had always thought the same about you. I had a crush on you too, but I was on the spot, and cracked as I usually do in such situations. I will never forget all of what you said to me from that tire swing though and I am so so sorry that my ex-boyfriend was eavesdropping on our conversation and flipped the fuck out. I felt really bad at the time. You didn’t deserve that kind of a reaction from anyone after you had been so honest. I’m sorry that nothing ever happened between us. I’m sorry I thought you developed a huge ego a few years later during your show at the glass house. It made me uncomfortable that our common wavelength had fallen away. I felt like I didn’t know how to talk to you anymore. You were so mad at me when I started dating C- and it didn’t seem to go away until the very end. I don’t know why, but you dying was so hard for me. I guess we always had some unfinished business. My life spiraled out of control a year ago today. So much shit happened as a reaction to your death. In the long run, some of what did happen was good. At the time though, my world was literally caving in on me. I didn’t think I would survive many of those times. I didn’t trust myself with myself during that time. I was in a state of the most painful numb imaginable. A large part of my life died with you and the months following. I never knew how hard it would be to start from scratch. I didn’t think I could do it at the time. I thought that I would never feel normal again. I thought I would never feel anything again period. Now that my feelings are back they are at full force. I feel everything a little deeper, and each time, each hurt, each betrayal is a little more poignant. I’m sorry J-. For everything. And thank you J-. For everything.