12/28/07 2am
I want a new notebook.. Somthing from Notestar, preferably spiral bound. New notebooks, pens, binders, they're like crack.. He won't read this... of everything i've asked him to read he would never read this. Just more whiny bitchy bullshit for him to deal with right? Sorry. Didnt like that pen.
My head hurts so much my eyes are burning.. I feel like i'm about to throw up what little i've eaten today. i waited all day for him.. just to see him and smell him... i want him to be NICE To WANT to take pictures with me... i want him to want to show me off.. to be attached. to want me. i want to be right for him. i want him to be the one. are we just not ready? are either of us strong enough to walk away if its not right?
Am i happy. I want to say yes and no. But the yes comes first and the little shit shouldnt count right? I see little sparkly dots everywhere. I want him to come to bed. or call me to him. I miss the part where i wasnt his yet. and we dated for a little. He Tried. And he was nice, and romantic, and he was afraid to love me. Does he regret the chance the took.. Does he regret making the jump. Will he open up to me? Am i worth it? to him? is he? Of course he is. He's amazing. But what i wouldnt give for him to be mice. Being in love is so fucking miserable. I tried... crashed, burned, failed... miserably. Why even bother. He's so cold. so distant. he seems o unhappy. do i make him that way. is it all my fault. am I the common cause in my relationships. Fighting> everything. I have backed off SO much with him. I have been so proud of myself. Sometimes i feel like he's running me over. am i looking for it. after owen and diana. do i expect it. or do i really need to put myself first. my head is exploding all along the rights == sside. Something smells acrid. like smoke. and i taste somethingin my mouth like the aftertaste of throw up. i Fucking Hate This!!! I want to be NORMAL!
Someone just drug me into OBLIVION! Please!!!!! I don't want anymore fucking headaches. or god tell me i have a tumor or som kind of rare disease. i dont even care anymore but jesus what the fuck is wrong with me. Every daoctor says the same thing.. or nothing.. i think they gave me to much dilaudid yesterday. If what Ty- says is true i can't believe i would hurt him like that. i dont remember any ofit. what if its not true? would he do that? I want to ask the nurse that he said walked in. and i want to know why they ssaid i hhad high acetaminophin levels. i don't even take acetamenophin. i hate this so much and i'm so scared. we all knowhow i am when i don't know whats going on. i
i miss when we pulled over in the car and he was scared to love me. i miss when he was on top of me and would look in my eyes. i miss making love. i miss when he needed me near to sleep. when he called me to tell me to come back more quickly. when he slept in the car and atent. so he wouldn't have to leave me. it hurts to fucking much my head! i just want it to fucking stop! It's like he's just completely disengaged. He used to call me his wife sometimes on accident. now it seems like he never will on accident or otherwise. he doesnt seem to care. its my fault. i can't control my emotions or apparently my mouth. when i'm like this.
Make it FUCKING STOP!!! Its hurt in the same place the most for two weeks now. what the fuck did i do in this life or another to deserve this.
I just threw up on myself. Classy.
Head hurts twice as bad. i just want to cry. but i know it will make it worse. nausea stoped for now.
FUCK. OW...
(then i threw up on my notebook.. and i'm pretty sure we have grown so far apart theres no repair possible. the same fight over and over again.. neneither of us will give in.)
My head hurts so much my eyes are burning.. I feel like i'm about to throw up what little i've eaten today. i waited all day for him.. just to see him and smell him... i want him to be NICE To WANT to take pictures with me... i want him to want to show me off.. to be attached. to want me. i want to be right for him. i want him to be the one. are we just not ready? are either of us strong enough to walk away if its not right?
Am i happy. I want to say yes and no. But the yes comes first and the little shit shouldnt count right? I see little sparkly dots everywhere. I want him to come to bed. or call me to him. I miss the part where i wasnt his yet. and we dated for a little. He Tried. And he was nice, and romantic, and he was afraid to love me. Does he regret the chance the took.. Does he regret making the jump. Will he open up to me? Am i worth it? to him? is he? Of course he is. He's amazing. But what i wouldnt give for him to be mice. Being in love is so fucking miserable. I tried... crashed, burned, failed... miserably. Why even bother. He's so cold. so distant. he seems o unhappy. do i make him that way. is it all my fault. am I the common cause in my relationships. Fighting> everything. I have backed off SO much with him. I have been so proud of myself. Sometimes i feel like he's running me over. am i looking for it. after owen and diana. do i expect it. or do i really need to put myself first. my head is exploding all along the rights == sside. Something smells acrid. like smoke. and i taste somethingin my mouth like the aftertaste of throw up. i Fucking Hate This!!! I want to be NORMAL!
Someone just drug me into OBLIVION! Please!!!!! I don't want anymore fucking headaches. or god tell me i have a tumor or som kind of rare disease. i dont even care anymore but jesus what the fuck is wrong with me. Every daoctor says the same thing.. or nothing.. i think they gave me to much dilaudid yesterday. If what Ty- says is true i can't believe i would hurt him like that. i dont remember any ofit. what if its not true? would he do that? I want to ask the nurse that he said walked in. and i want to know why they ssaid i hhad high acetaminophin levels. i don't even take acetamenophin. i hate this so much and i'm so scared. we all knowhow i am when i don't know whats going on. i
i miss when we pulled over in the car and he was scared to love me. i miss when he was on top of me and would look in my eyes. i miss making love. i miss when he needed me near to sleep. when he called me to tell me to come back more quickly. when he slept in the car and atent. so he wouldn't have to leave me. it hurts to fucking much my head! i just want it to fucking stop! It's like he's just completely disengaged. He used to call me his wife sometimes on accident. now it seems like he never will on accident or otherwise. he doesnt seem to care. its my fault. i can't control my emotions or apparently my mouth. when i'm like this.
Make it FUCKING STOP!!! Its hurt in the same place the most for two weeks now. what the fuck did i do in this life or another to deserve this.
I just threw up on myself. Classy.
Head hurts twice as bad. i just want to cry. but i know it will make it worse. nausea stoped for now.
FUCK. OW...
(then i threw up on my notebook.. and i'm pretty sure we have grown so far apart theres no repair possible. the same fight over and over again.. neneither of us will give in.)