Fic: Hangover Hallucinations (2a/2)
Title: Hangover Hallucinations (2a/2)
Author: Pixelmayhem
Prompt: For AU prompt #(16) Mail-order bride...and you get Jim Kirk..
Rating: Pg-13
Warnings: AU, cussing,
Word count: 3,337
Other Pairings: Chekov/Sulu
Notes/Disclaimer: I don’t own them. I just like to see them all bendy. I promise to return them in one piece.
Part 1
Written for space_married
Prompt: For AU prompt #(16) Mail-order bride...and you get Jim Kirk..
Notes: So I under estimated the size of the second part. There was an obvious breaking point so I took it. It works better this way because this section is still funny and cracky and the last section has a touch of angst before the sexytiems. Also my inner muse is refusing to let me self-beta in peace. She keeps wanting to add extra scenes and make this epic. It would help a lot to curb her to get some good comments on this as a kick in the pants the let her know people are waiting on the conclusion.
Un-beta’d let me know of any problems. Pretty please?
P.S. I always feel like a total nerd when I laugh at my own writing. Is it weird that I was going ‘hurrhurrheee’ as I wrote this? I’ll leave that for you to decide.
-------------
“Hold on a second! You two know each other?” Sulu exclaimed
They both gave Sulu incredulous looks, but it was Pavel who answered his husband.
“Of course we know each other. You sent in for spouses from the same company yes? Then it makes sense that we might know each other.”
Kirk snorted in laughter.
Sulu covered his face with his hands. “This is too fucking weird.”
McCoy could sympathize, only he couldn’t really because he was still pissed that he was in this predicament in the first place. And it was all Sulu’s fault.
“This is all your fault.” He growled.
“ME?!”
“Yes you, you fucker. This was your idea in the first place.”
Kirk and Pavel were staring at the two of them looking amused.
“I take it yours wants to send you back as well?” Kirk asked
“We can send them back?!” Sulu yelped
Both Kirk and Pavel scowled at him. “No!”
“Crap.”
Pavel addressed Kirk “Hikaru has been most upset by my arrival. But there was no talk of sending me back until now. I do not think maybe it had occurred to him yet.”
“Huh, sorry about that.” Kirk said rubbing the back of his neck.
“So your McCoy wants to send you back?” Pavel asked frowning
“I’m not his anything!” Leonard growled. “And how the hell do you know our names?”
Huffing they both looked at him with exasperated expressions. What the fuck? Did they have to do everything together?
Sulu answered for them “Uh, Leonard our names were on the applications.”
Damnit.
Glaring at each other, McCoy and Sulu sat in chairs next to each other as Kirk and Pavel chatted.
“So have you tried convincing yours that he’d be better off with you around?” Kirk asked
“Oh yes, I was wery persuasive, but it did not seem to convince him.”
Kirk looked curious. “Really? You tried that thing I showed you?”
Pavel pouted. “No, I have not had a chance yet. After I initiated our first kiss he runs every time I get near him. Is wery frustrating. What about you? Surely the ‘Kirk charm’ has not failed you. How can he want to send you back?”
“No unfortunately he seems to run from me too. We may have to change our strategies. What if we…” and then they started speaking so neither of their husbands could understand them.
“Oh god McCoy they’re plotting against us, right in front of us! What do we do?” Sulu asked panicked
“Well I don’t know what you’re gonna do but I’m gonna find a way to get out of this marriage.”
Sulu was bug-eyed “We’ve got to stick together!”
McCoy scowled, “The hell with that, you’re on your own! I’m only in this predicament because of you.”
“It’s not my fault!”
“It was your idea, hell you got us the applications to fill out. I’d say that makes it your fault.”
“Oh man.”
They sat there in silence for a few moments. McCoy was pondering how this could have happened. Where the fuck did everything go pear shaped on him? He didn’t have the first clue how he should handle this. How the hell were you supposed to handle accidental-drunken mail-ordering a bride…spouse, whatever. Why wasn’t there a handbook for this sort of situation? What he needed was a level head which wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.
He should call Nyota and see if she had any suggestions. She was always a calming influence. Hell if she had been with Sulu and him that night this never would have happened.
Wait a second.
This was all Uhura’s fault!
“Damnit this is all Uhura’s fault!”
Sulu’s head shot up to stare him in the face. “What do you mean?”
“We never would have filled out those applications if she had been with us at the bar. She’d have smacked us upside the head for thinking about it.”
Sulu pondered this for a moment. Then his eyes widened. “You’re right! This is all Uhura’s fault.”
At that moment McCoy’s phone began to ring. He answered it scowling. “Hello?”
“Leonard! I’m glad to hear you’re home! I can’t find Sulu anywhere and I want to go out and celebrate. I got the promotion! Isn’t that great!”
“Nyota fancy hearing from you. You got the promotion you say? That’s grand. Definitely calls for a celebration, unfortunately I don’t think Sulu and I can make it. You see we’ve found ourselves in a bit of a predicament.”
The bubbly-ness of her speech gone, her voice was sharp now. “What’s with the tone Leonard? And what predicament?”
“Seems me and Sulu got ourselves some mail-order spouses one night when we were drunk.”
There was silence from the other end of the phone. Then McCoy was forced to pull it back from his ear from the peals of laughter that came from the other end.
“That…was…a good one.” She huffed.
“I’m not joking Nyota.” He growled
Silence again. “You’re serious?” She asked
“As a heart attack.”
“You and Sulu have mail-order spouses.”
“Apparently.”
Silence. Then she cackled. She honest to god cackled. “You said Sulu is with you at your apartment? And your spouses are there with you? Of course they are. Don’t go anywhere, I‘ll be right over.” He heard her cackle again before she hung up.
Sulu who had been listening with wide, hopeful eyes, watched as McCoy slammed the phone back into its cradle.
“What? What did she say?”
“She’ll be right over. And she was laughing.”
They were being observed from the couch by two pairs of very amused eyes.
“More company?” Kirk asked
“I swear if you ask about drinks…”
Kirk shrugged “Suit yourself.”
Pavel looked curious. “He is a difficult host?”
“I’m not sure he’s hosting material Pasha.”
“Smart ass.” McCoy said to Kirk.
In a fairly short amount of time there was a knock on McCoy’s door. Damn woman probably ran all the way. When McCoy opened the door she rushed breathless into the room.
Seeing the two newcomers seated on the couch she spun to look at Sulu and McCoy, her eyes twinkling with mirth.
“Oh my god you were serious!”
“I said I was. Now what the hell are we supposed to do about this?”
But she wasn’t listening to him. Instead she walked up to the two men on the couch with her hand extended. They had stood when she entered.
“Hello! My name’s Nyota Uhura. So you two are Hikaru and Leonard’s spouses?”
Pavel shook her hand.
“Hello Miss Uhura, my name is Pavel Chekov.”
“Nice to meet you Chekov.”
“Please call me Pavel.”
Smiling she inclined her head. “Nyota.”
Kirk beamed at her as he took her hand. “James Kirk. But please call me Jim.”
Again she inclined her head. “Jim.”
They indicated for her to sit down on the couch between them. As she complied, they sat and turned to face her.
“So you know Leonard and Hikaru well?” Kirk asked.
She smirked at Leonard. “Oh yes. I’ve known them for years now. Though obviously not as well as I thought I did.”
“So what can you tell us about them? They’re pretty reluctant to let us get to know them.”
“What would you like to know?”
Oh this was a bad idea.
Apparently Sulu thought so too. “Whoa, wait a minute. You can’t side with them! That’s not fair.”
“I’m not ‘siding’ with anybody. I’m simply helping my friend’s spouses get to know them better.”
This was getting out of hand. “Nyota darlin’ as funny as this may seem to you, this isn’t exactly a highlight for us.”
“That’s right! Anyway it’s all your fault that we’re in this predicament.”
McCoy closed his eyes. Damn fool. When he opened them again he saw Nyota had an amused look on her face, but Leonard wasn’t fooled, there was a dangerous look in her eye.
“Excuse me?”
She stood and smirked, stalking over to where Sulu was sitting.
“How exactly is this my fault?”
Sulu looked a little less sure now.
“It just is!” He tried a bit weaker sounding “If you had been with us this never would have happened! Right?” He asked craning his head to look at McCoy.
“Oh no, you dug this one on your own. Don’t drag me into this.”
“But you said…”
Leonard gave his best dirty look and Sulu quelled which was exactly when Nyota smacked Sulu on the back of the head. Damn that woman’s scary.
“Oh I like you.” Kirk murmured grinning, Nyota smiled back at him. “Now what was this about a promotion?”
“Oh yes!” And with that she explained all about her job and the promotion she had been working towards for a while now.
“Wow that’s great! Congratulations! That really does call for some celebrating.”
She smiled at him again. “I think so. I say we go to the bar and celebrate properly”
Hoping to get a grip back on the conversation inside his own apartment McCoy chimed in “I know I could use a damn drink.” Nevermind that he should still be suffering from his bender the night before.
“I would not be opposed to some refreshment.” Pavel said with a twinkle in his eye.
“Please someone buy me a damn drink.” Sulu muttered.
Hey wait a second, Uhura and Sulu were with him last night on his bender, how the hell were they so well together?
Leonard addressed himself to Sulu. “Why the hell aren’t you hung over as fuck?”
It was Pavel who answered “I made him my family hang-over cure.”
“It’s not as good as mine, but it’s pretty damn effective.” Kirk added
“And you?” McCoy asked Uhura.
She laughed at him. “I know the meaning of moderation and hydrated accordingly. Two Aspirin before bed and I was fine. Not like you two lummoxes who were downing drinks hand over fist last night.”
Sulu was looking curiously at Kirk. “Your hangover cure is better than Pavel’s?”
Kirk smiled.
“Unfortunately is true. Jim has mastered his recipe.” Chekov muttered a bit sullenly.
“Wonder why he needed to master it.” McCoy grumbled. To which Kirk winked.
“You have got to give me the recipe!” Sulu said with glee.
He stood and headed over to Kirk to grasp him by the shoulders.
“Um.” Kirk looked side to side nervously before catching Leonard’s eyes. The look he gave McCoy clearly said ‘What the hell is up with this guy?’ It was either that or ‘Save me from the crazy!’
Rolling his eyes McCoy said to Kirk “Sulu’s a homeopathic medicine specialist. If he gets your hangover cure he’ll have the business of all the university students in the state.”
Kirks eyes looked a little less wild now. “Ah.”
Uhura smacked Sulu in the head again. “Stop attacking him and sit down you idiot.”
Kirk beamed at her like she was his savior as Sulu complied, causing McCoy to huff.
Sulu looked like someone had kicked his puppy. Then he brightened again and turned to Chekov. “You’ll give me your recipe right?”
“Hikaru!”
“But Nyota!”
“Not another word.”
Kirk spoke again. “So Hikaru does homeopathic medicine. You’re a medical transcriptionist. What does Leonard do?”
“Leonard’s a doctor. He works at St. Anon’s down the street a few blocks.”
“Oh!” Chekov chimed in “So you all met through your medical work?”
“Actually no. It turns out we all had the same favorite bar. A little place three blocks over called ‘Sarge’s’.”
“Sounds like a rough and tumble place.”
McCoy barked a laugh. “It’s owned by a 60 year old woman named Annie and is styled like an old western saloon. Every Wednesday they have Jazz night.”
Chekov and Kirk exchanged pointed glances that McCoy couldn’t quite decipher.
“At least it’s not a Speakeasy bar named O’Reilly’s with weekly disco nights.” Kirk said.
At this Nyota, McCoy and Sulu all cracked up. Through his laughter, McCoy heard Kirk say to Chekov “Ok I didn’t think it was that funny.”
“They are wery strange no?” Chekov replied.
Nyota recovered first. Wiping tears from her eyes she leaned over and hugged Kirk, startling him.
“Oh you’ll fit in just fine here. Anyway that’s how we met.”
Kirk looked rightly confused “Annnd you lost me.”
She smirked at him. “Leonard, Hikaru and myself met through Annie. She introduced us. Said ‘You lot will get on like a house a’fire.’”
“Yeaaah, still lost.”
Chekov nodded.
“The first thing any of us ever said to Annie was ‘At least it’s not a Speakeasy bar named O’Reilly’s with weekly disco nights.’”
Chekov and Kirk’s eyes widened.
“You’re shitting me!” Kirk said and started to laugh too. He looked up at McCoy for confirmation.
“Honest truth.” Leonard confirmed.
“Jim, when you told me that they are all crazy here in America I did not believe you my friend. I’m afraid I must apologize.”
Kirk clasped him on the shoulder still laughing. “No Pavel, some are just crazier than others.”
“You got that damn right.” McCoy couldn’t help muttering.
“Are we going to talk all day or are we going to drink?” Sulu asked
Kirk and Chekov gave wicked grins as they chimed “Let’s go drink.” Much to Uhura’s delight.
“Oh god tonight is going to be awesome.” She said.
-----------------
When they got to “Sarge’s” the first thing Sulu and McCoy did was down a shot of their particular poisons.
Uhura grabbed Chekov and Kirk by the wrist and dragged them towards the back of the bar.
“Come on our usual table is this way.”
Annie met them with her hip tcocked on their spot. “Didn’t expect you three back so soon, and with fresh meat too.”
Uhura laughed her husky little laugh. “We’re celebrating.”
Annie raised her eyebrow in a manner that had always reminded Leonard of his Gram. She jerked her head to include Leonard and Sulu in her gaze. “Thought those two would still be moaning and spinning on the floor at this time. Anyhow what’s the occasion?”
“I got my promotion!” Nyota practically squealed
Annie smiled proudly at her. “Well way to go girl. ‘Bout time those idiots realized the talent they had at their finger tips. But who’re the baby faces?”
McCoy who’d been in the middle of a slug, choked as Nyota responded.
Damn near sing-songing, she said “They’re Hikaru and Leonard’s new husbands.”
Annie pursed her lips in consternation for a moment as she tried to decide if Uhura was messing with her. “Pull the other one.” Then catching the horrified looks of Sulu and McCoy she reconsidered.
“Well I’ll be damned. I know you two weren’t that drunk last night.” She thought for a moment. “Oh hell. The last week of June. You shit heads gave a whole new meaning to the term drunk-stupid. You in particular were drunk out of your Bones.” She said to Leonard. “I should have known you were up to no good with those papers.” She looked over Kirk and Chekov. “Though by the looks of things, you two didn’t end too bad off.” She held out her hand to them.
As they smiled with nervous looks, Uhura said “They said the disco line.”
Annie grinned. “That so? My, my, you two will fit in just fine then. Welcome to the crazy farm.”
“We are pleased to be here miss Annie.” The Chekov kid replied solemnly.
Annie snorted. “Well aren’t you sweet. It’s just Annie, pup. And as congratulations, drinks are on the house tonight.”
Chekov’s eyes widened “Oh no ma’am we couldn’t! That’s a wery bad idea.”
Everyone goggled at him except Kirk.
“Shut yer mouth! I think it’s a damned fine idea. At least something good will have come of this day.” McCoy growled
Annie merely looked at Chekov curiously. “Never had anyone turn down free drinks before. And don’t think I missed that ‘ma’am’ shit. You cut that out.”
“Don’t think we don’t appreciate the gesture Annie. It’s just never a good idea to offer Pavel and me free booze. How about the others get their drinks gratis and Pav and I pay our own?” Kirk said with a serene smile.
Annie gave him a stink-eyed look. “Don’t think that charm is gonna work on me. And they’ll be no drinks paid for at this table. Now sit your ass down and order.”
Kirk and Chekov exchanged looks and then shrugged. “Alright then.”
Annie watched them all take seats. “I’d take your orders myself but that’d deprive Christine of the laugh she’ll get bringing the boys and their spouses their drinks.”
McCoy and Sulu groaned.
When Christine Chapel appeared at the edge of their table she had a sinister grin on her face. “So honeymooners, what’ll it be?”
Kirk ordered a blow job, the bastard, and Chekov wanted straight vodka on the rocks. Everyone else asked for their usuals. As Christine returned she smiled at Uhura and congratulated her on the promotion and she left with a departing “Enjoy your blow job honey.”
McCoy just knew it was going to be a long night. Thank god they had an owner approved open bar.
As it turned out it wasn’t as bad McCoy had thought it would be. The booze added a layer of cushion over the strange circumstances and allowed Sulu and Leonard to ease out of their funk a bit.
They all got along fine, like old friends, well, at least they get along well enough that McCoy occasionally forgot that they were in a weird predicament and that’s how they met.
That was until some other people stop by their table to say hi and asked who the new comers were and Nyota and Jim introduced them all as their spouses. At which point Sulu and Leonard decided that they weren’t drunk enough for this shit and had to get in a silent contest to drink each other under the table.
…
Jim…Kirk, and the curly haired kid were laughing and talking to Nyota. McCoy glared at them for their non-concern and slammed down another shot. Across from him he saw Sulu do the same. The hell of it was-despite how much Sulu and he were drinking, Jim…Kirk and Choo…Checker, were drinking twice as much without half the effects. And Goddamnit how the hell did they end up with spouses that could drink them under the table?
After an indeterminate amount of time, through the haze of booze McCoy had surrounded himself with, he heard Annie come back to them.
“Well shee-it. You tried to warn me. You two can drink, that’s for sure. Though I think you better take Captain drooly and Sullen cupcake home. They look done for the evening.”
Jim laughed. It was a joyous sound that reminded Leonard of a puppy that was itching to play.
“I think you’re right about that Annie.”
The chair Leonard was sitting on shifted and then the world tilted.
…
The fresh air from the staggered walk home helped clear Leonard’s head some. Once they had seen Nyota home and departed from Sulu and Chekov, Kirk and he made their way up to his apartment. And McCoy insisted Jim sleep on the couch
“But Boooones. Why won’t you let me sleep with you? We’re married!” Kirk protested.
At some point during the evening Kirk had decided Bones was the perfect nickname for his drunken ass.
Leonard wasn’t having it. “No way. I’m not your damn husband. You’re sleeping on the couch and that’s final.”
“Bones how will we ever get to know each other if you don’t start to make changes.”
“I’m not gonna get to know you. As soon as I can, I’m finding a way to send you back.”
McCoy held firm despite Kirk’s persuasive and more cognisant protestations and got him a pillow and a blanket for the couch.
Somehow Leonard wasn’t surprised when he woke in the morning to find a body curled around him. Though he was surprised to realize it was something he didn’t even know he had missed.