The O'Frenzys 4.2
Last time, Ralph grew up into a bug eyed child, Grandslam turned out to be a bug eyed monster and Twist gave birth to SON OF BROCCOLI, aka Blackjack.
And we begin with Ralph bitching about her report card. Considering you're a) green and b) a girl named Ralph, I'd say a C report card is getting off pretty lightly for your first day at school, kid. You were lucky not to have been designated the Official School Freak on day one.
Although she's not likely to be picked on for being ugly, since the school is now full of equally cosmetically challenged O'Frenzys. Amadeus here (son of Richard Simmons and Isambard) has no business smiling - he gets beat up on a regular basis for not being nearly as ugly as his brother Wolfgang.
(As for Wolfgang - just wait. Oh just you wait. He's worth waiting for.)
Grandslam continues to bring the ~*~beautifulest~*~ kids home from school. Seriously, this boychild's got potential, as does the glorious slope-faced Amy peering in the right of the picture.
The girls, strangely, have identical personalities, despite being born to different dads and looking completely different. They're both super nice, utterly sloppy and they love to dance.
They got rhythm.
Except...
Grandslam: "UR DOIN IT WRONG!!!"
Ralph: "Am not!"
Grandslam: "ARE TOO!"
Scrabble: "Why am I dealing with your kid again?"
Twist: "Er...because. Well...you threw the last two, right? You've had practise."
She's right. It probably is safer if Scrabble does the baby chucking. Twist is a sinewy fitness freak who runs for miles every morning and has abs you could bounce a coin off. If she flung her son in the air the poor little bastard might well end up in orbit.
Okay...he doesn't end up in orbit. But he does end up in a tuxedo and an Annette Funicello hairdo. I'm not actually sure which is worse.
One haircut later and he's presentable, or as presentable as O'Frenzy spawn ever get. I like the look of his nose and cheekbones already.
Blackjack: "No, Mr. Bond - I expect you to die! Mwhahahahahahaa!"
Jack is an evil child. One nice point. Scrum's infamous Asshole gene is alive and well.
That's a promising looking profile right there.
I absolutely love his itty bitty 'Woll Smoth and Fronds' mouth.
His teeth clearly feel differently about his mouth.
They're making a beeline for the fucking exits already.
Oh, that is a shallow, shallow chin on that boy. Weak chin, potato nose, Woll Smoth mouth and bulgy cheekbones. Grandslam has set the ugly bar pretty high, but does he have a natural advantage, being male?
Well...I say male. As male as you can be with some kind of chin vagina thing going on. Clearly gets it from his grandmother, who appeared to keep her clitoris in a place that would have won her top billing in any pornographic Victorian freakshow.
Hotdog...fuck off. Please.
Hotdog is now completely neurotic when it comes to infants. This is how Jack spends half his life - pretending to be extremely busy and moreover, extremely clean, because the alternative is to endure yet another bath from Hotdog. The man is obsessed.
Besides, unnecessary baths interrupt one in the business of looking like the world's smallest (and suavest) Supervillain.
Jack's surprising unattractiveness has clearly got his bug-eyed cousin rattled.
Grandslam: "Yeah, so he's ugly. But I'm ugly and green and I SMUSTLE!"
Fair point, but give the boy a chance. He's still working on basic speech and bladder control. Hardly of an age to be busting out the moves just yet.
Hotdog comes home and goes permaplatinum. And I moan a sigh of relief because I no longer have to put up with his incredible bullshit.
Then he promptly goes and gives Jack another unneccessary bath. *headdesk*
And Jack demonstrates that you are never too young...
...TO BOOGIE!
Jesus, this kid is a tryhard already. And he's not even out of rompers.
Grandslam clearly senses a threat to her position and tries to incinerate the child with her beady black gaze.
Grandslam, stop trying to plot your cousin's downfall, there's a good girl.
Jack, however, does himself no favours. Growing up? Naa. Let's dance!
"LOOK AT ME!!! OMGWTFBBQ I ARE SO CUTE DOIN MA DANCE OF CUTENESS!!!111"
You're not making any friends here, kid. I hope you know that.
No, seriously Jack. Stop playing with your magic nose goblins and grow the fuck up already. Looks like someone is thoroughly reluctant to leave behind his coveted position as the spoilt baby of the family.
Ah. Nice of you to finally catch on, boychild. Also, nice hair.
I'm optimistic about him, though. I just don't know if I can handle another bona fide Asshole heir after the fun I didn't have with the horrible Scrum.
And he has moments where he could almost, from certain angles, pass for cute. This isn't going to help.
Grandslam doesn't suffer from the same problem, or at least not quite as often.
Grandslam: "Ohmygoooood did you see him? 'Oh, it's my birthday, but I'll put on a song and dance routine too because I'm just that special.' Total tryhard."
Ralph is only pretending to listen.
BECAUSE SHE IS OFF HER LITTLE GREEN FACE.
Squinty, tired looking eyes? Ravenous appetite?
What the shit did that Nanny put in the damn cake? Now we know why Sim Nannies have no attention spans and can't help themselves from eating everything in the fucking fridge - those old biddies are hardcore stoners. Oh sure - grandma says it's for her arthritis, but what about that time she walked five miles in the rain to buy cigarette papers and a family pack of Mars bars from the all-night garage, huh?
Grandslam does her best insect impression, in the hopes that her hopelessly stoned sister will clock her and have some kind of hilarious screaming William Burroughs style freakout. It doesn't work.
So she does this instead. That's gotta be a mindfuck when you're higher than Janis Joplin.
Ralph: "AHMAGOOOODDD!!!"
Ralph: "DOCTOR BENWAY? YOU WERE IN DISGUISE THE WHOLE TIME!?"
Scrabble: "Yes! My stepdaughter understands 50's beat culture references!"
Jack: "I'm just cheering because everyone else is! Yaaaayyyy!"
Lovely, Grandslam. Once we fix your neck you'll be gorgeous.
No, stop doing that. It's getting unnerving.
She rolled Romance - with the LTW to sexually interfere with 20 different Earthlings. You can see Auntie Twist is already ecstatic about the idea of her Slut Crown going to a younger, greener slut.
Or she's...giving inappropriate advice? (I like to think Twist is playing an invisible trombone, but knowing Twist she's probably not.)
I think I took this to show Grandslam's profile. It's not a great shot, actually. She's stuck her chin out and her actual chin is much much weaker.
Or her chin just looks prominent because the rest of her profile is so magnificently flat - who knows? Anyway, it's off to the matchmaker with her, before she explodes from lack of hormone-fuelled gropings.
There's no need to look so excited, Grandslam. I can tell you right now, kid - this shit never ends well.
You see? I told you you'd be disappointed.
She got Goth!Draco Malfoy, who proceeds to be a little bitch about more or less everything.
Yes, because your life is totally awful, Draco. You've just been dumped down in front of a minty green teenage nymphomaniac who will almost certainly let you put her hands up her top if you wanted to and you? You just yaaaaawn, don't you?
It was dark by the time the little bitch let her kiss him.
He's actually pretty ugly, aged up. But fuck him. He just totally blew his chance of going to college by being a whiny little ingrate. (Besides, he's a Pleasure Sim - ugh.)
The next day Grandslam turns her raging hormones on Dramatic!Paperboy.
Dramatic!Paperboy: "Get thee to a nunnery!"
Grandslam: "Whu?"
Dramatic!Paperboy: "Philistine!"
Turns out Dramatic!Paperboy is lost in method acting Hamlet these days and every girl he meets gets the 'nymph, remember me in thy orisons' treatment. This is also the first time I've snapped him from the side and realised he's got an awesome case of Kennedy Cox nose. (Although Kennedy will occasionally fuck your shit up if you're doing an Uglacy - his daughters always seem to come out pretty.)
Sod it. She was never going to get laid hanging around the house anyway. So it's off to college to start banging her way to lifelong euphoria. We'll catch up with her later.
As for these two? Yeah. They're still having that conversation about the size of Scrabble's pocket rocket.
Hotdog: "The hell you say."
Scrabble: "Size queen."
Hotdog: *scowl*
Jesus, what is your problem, Hotdog? Lately all he seems to do is roam around the house giving everyone the stankeye.
In an attempt to cheer him up I give the master suite a bit of a facelift. It hasn't been redecorated since Mackenzie was alive and it's looking a bit dowdy.
Naturally the boys get on with christening their new bed. (I am so glad the ghosts are at the cemetary and not here, because practically every O'Frenzy was conceived in the bed I just sold. There would be a clusterfuck of corpses wailing about the gaff.)
On the whole I'm quite pleased with it, but I don't know about that lampshade now that I see it lit up. It didn't look so pink with the light off.
I really don't know. It kind of clashes with the Tiffany lamps, but then would the room look too neutral without it? I don't know.
Scrabble: "You sat here and watched us fuck? Under the pretence of making your mind about a lamp?."
Scrabble, stop breaking the fourth wall like that. It's extremely creepy. And I like the lamp, FYI. It's the shade I'm not sure about.
This is Ralph's hobby, in case you were wondering. Her hobby is supposed to be Nature, but Ralph being Ralph it always ends up with someone screaming "I'M COVERED IN BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!"
Ralph is...not good at things.
Especially bathing.
Despite being born in a bathroom she can't find her way to the bathroom with a map and can't operate the tub or shower without detailed instructions. And even then she covers the floor in a grim cocktail of grubby neck-water and pee.
Smelly child.
On the other hand, Jack is a freak who likes nothing better in the morning than to make his bed with a steel rule and a set square. You would think The Odd Couple Junior Edition wouldn't get on...
But noooo. They're crazy about one another. Their hobbies include Hitting Each Other...
And Twist's old childhood pastime...
...Pretending to be cute.
I know very well they're not.
Jack: "No, Uncle Hotdog - you're doing it wrong! It's 'Two in the pink, one in the stink'. You gotta bend back your wedding ring finger."
Ah, the things they learn at school! And why is Ralph looking even more boggle-eyed than usual?
Oh, I see.
Ralph: *stares down at hands* "So it's two in the pink, one in the stink...no, wait...isn't that the Vulcan salute?..."
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! THOSE VULCANS ARE FUCKING PERVERTS, MAN!!"
Just wait until she finds out about Star Trek slash. She'll never be the same again.
Anyway, here she is. I was very pleased with her. A bug-eyed bundle of Kittens, Rainbows and Motherfucking Puppies. Ralph is so sweet she could give you Type 2 diabetes just by batting her lashes at you. She rolls Family, so her and Grandslam will probably run around campus like something in a terrible Sidney Sheldon novel.
(Did you ever read Master of the Game? Best guilty pleasure novel ever. I think I achieved some kind of trashy novel climax when Crazy Tony's wife died giving birth to twin girls and they turned out to be all Good Twin, Bad Twin. And the bad twin was a queen slut and one her lovers said "Oh, she's got a pussy that talks to you," and I thought, shit, girlfriend has talent indeed. I once saw this girl who could play the flute with hers, but I never saw a ventriloquist vayjay.)
Sorry, here's me rambling on like Eve Blackwell's talkative minge...what about Grandslam? How is our darling firstborn doing at college?
Scrabble checks his e-mail.
"Hi Dad - thanks for the credit card!"
"It came in handy because you would totally not believe this, but my dorm room didn't have a waterbed. I mean, what the fuck? So, anyway, I went down to the Sleepytiems Superstore and got me a new bed and it's now it's, like SO MUCH easier to make friends."
"My new friend Greg says I'm so friendly he doesn't have time to put his clothes back on. So I was like, you totally do, and he was like, no way baby you keep me nekkid the whole time. So he totally went to class BUTT NAKED on a dare. I won't tell you what I had to do when he got back from class, because you're my Dad and you'll probably freak the fuck out, amirite?"
"I was going to join the soror...wait, how do you spell that? IDK. The Girl Fraternity. That one. But it was kind of a vagina party so I thought I'd join the boy fraternity instead. And they were like 'But we have initiation rituals.' in a spooky voice and I thought oh shit I'm gonna have to hang out in the cemetary overnight or get spanked really hard with a canoe paddle or get blindfolded and have pig's blood poured over my head or some such shit...
"So yeah, it was kinda freaky, but then this Ashley guy turned up TOTALLY NAKED and I was like, ohhh...so you all just wanna bone?, because I can totally get down with that."
"So then Ashley ran outside IN THE NUDELIKE and he was yelling 'HOMG GUYS WE ARE FINALLY GONNA GET SOME PUSSY!' and then him and the other guys stood around in bedsheets and they were all like 'Praise the mailbox! Praise be to the maibox!' WTF?"
"It was so not hot."
"Dad, they were just so lame. Anyone would think they'd never seen a naked green chick before."
"Actually...I...okay, this is mean, but I think they were kinda slow or something. Because I was totally getting it on with this Castor dude and Ashley and his friend were just like "HAY LETS PLAY REDHANDS HELL YEAH."
"Seriously. I could hear them slapping away at each other all the time me and Castor were boning. Freaks."
"And then they were like 'Dude, are they having sex in there?' and it was like, DUH, what the hell did you think we were doing naked in a bed? Playing Tic Tac Toe?"
"They asked me to do the little fat one last, because he was still a virgin, but between you and me? ALL virgins. That's right. Two pump chumps to a man."
Scrabble: "...."
Scrabble: "MY ONLY CHILD IS A WHOOOOOOREEEEE!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Well, come on. She is a Romance Sim. No need to go all Caesar Augustus about it. It's not like she's orchestrating public orgies and gangbangs...oh wait...yeah. You probably don't wanna know what happened in the Pine Nut Plaza Dorm. (Big dorm + hacked waterbed in public area = sexual trainwreck of hilarious proportions.)
Ralph agrees - it is all rather shocking.
Thanks for reading!