The O'Frenzys 3.3
Short update, before generation four officially take over the house...
Last time - the twins went to college, Twist banged everything with a prick and a pulse (Except Castor Nova, who was most butthurt), Scrabble won a cooking contest and Twist invited over an acquaintance to meet her brother...
HOT DOOOOOOOOOG!!!!
Hotdog: "You look sort of familiar."
Twist: "Do I. Oh."
Hotdog: "Yeah - there was this hooker last week. I busted her for public indecency downtown - she was in a photo booth getting herself an oral protein injection, if you know what I'm saying. She had a hat...and that bustier getup. Just like yours..."
Twist: "Really? Oh my God! That's so freaky! So, like...I have a doppelganger or something. That's so totally Twilight Zone!"
Give it up, Twist. We know it was you, you big slut.
Scrabble, you might have got dressed.
Ah, never mind. He likes your sixpack.
Yes, that's it. Talk to him about cookery. There's a good boy.
Scrabble: "So...yeah...I cook. Just as a hobby. Working on the perfect hollandaise for filet mignon, actually...yep...juuuuust nonchalantly tossing that out there...filet mignon...'cause I'm not intimidated by that kind of thing..."
Hotdog: "I grill hotdogs. And I make pretty patterns with the mustard!"
No, he's never going to live that down.
Soooo...you like a man in uniform do you, Scrabble?
Not so pleased about the guy not in uniform.
Hotdog: "OMG!!! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT THING?? IT'S HUUUUUGE, DUDE!!!"
Scrabble: "I'm not even going to dignify that display with a look..."
Scrabble: "Besides, mine's much bigger."
Hotdog: "The hell you say."
Size queen.
Over chilli, Hotdog tells stories of nights spent locking up drunks, burglars and prozzies.
I love Scrabble's face here.
"I am sitting here eating chilli with a LEGEND. A. FUCKING. GOD. WHAT. THE. FUCK?"
If you asked Scrabble what his favourite literary device was, he'd say foreshadowing.
That speech bubble right there? Chekhov's gun. You know that motherfucker's going to go off sooner or later.
Ah, Twist. Keeping grandma's legacy alive, I see?
You smack that llama, girl!
Now that's just mean.
(But hilarious. Carry on.)
She likes the cow, though. Poor Scrabble - he's been forced to witness all sorts of filth and depravity.
Who the hell are you?
Oh, I don't even know anymore. It's all part of Twist's plan to bone her way through college.
Twist: "When I touch myself, I glow!"
Scrabble: "TOO. MUCH. INFORMATION."
No, please. Let's get back to something sweet and wholesome.
And these two certainly are. They're so shy!
But not that shy...
Really not that shy. Okay, Scrabble...save some for later. Jeez.
We interrupt this Uglacy to bring you disturbing developments from Sim State. The University is currently experiencing a severe outbreak of what scientists are describing as Inappropriate Hotness.
Exhibit A.
Exhibit B. (This was the replacement for the magnificently ugly Joy. The game is plainly just dicking with me.)
Exhibit C.
You can slouch and drool all you want, Delivery girl. Nothing is going to take away the fact that you are a smokin' hot Dagmar-Bertino-a-like.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHERE IS THE UGLY?!
Ah, thank you delivery dude. I was beginning to panic until you showed up in all your grotesque blond Goopyness.
He's mainly here because Twist wants someone new to bone.
His Goopyness: "Order for O'Frenzy? Kung Pao chicken, Yeung Chow fried rice, roast duck chow mein and dim sum?"
Twist: "Right! And the cream of Sum Yung Guy!"
His Goopyness: "I'm sorry...what? Ohhhh...ahahahahahaha. No. NO."
Dammit. Why do all the pretty ones have to be gay?
And it's a good thing you're gay, Scrabble. Because if you weren't you'd be the biggest fucking pervo on the planet.
That's your sister, you sick fuck.
Did I mention Twist had a stalker?
Well, she does.
Scrabble sends him on his way and tries to stop him from tipping over the trashcan, but it doesn't help that whenever Twist lays hands on Monkeyface she usually ends up riding him like a mechanical bull.
However, since she's only boning Monkeyface, Ty, the Professor, Parsnip and Brian the Cow, she's getting kind of bored.
So it's time for Twist to take her Bulldozer Vagina out on the town.
First guy she runs into is Henry Sterling.
Henry: "Shit. Your tits are massive!"
Twist: "Inorite? Wanna have lunch?"
Like any idiot male offered a free lunch with a fine view of a pair of big knockers, Henry agrees.
And regrets it.
He rapidly hits the hard stuff when he realises that Twist's conversation can best be summed up in a few words. 'Ew.' 'Do Not Want', and 'Holy Crap, Why Are You Telling Me These Terrible Things?'
Twist: "So, yeah - Skylar was like, 'You cheating whorebag' and I was like, what the fuck, man? And he said 'You gave me crabs, you slut' and I was like, noooooo, duh - I couldn't give you crabs because I'm shaved - ya know? Down there? So I said, you won't catch a bunch of crabs using my pubes as a fucking jungle gym because, hel-lo? I HAVE NO PUBES!? So then he was like 'What about you and that broccoli dude?' and I was like no way, because he was a virgin and how are you supposed to catch crabs from a virgin and..."
Twist: "So...here's to Friends with Benefits!"
I think Henry's glassy eyed stare says it all.
Twist heads off to find another conquest.
No, I think Hot Blond Downtownie has enough female company to be going on with, Twist.
No, and you cannot has Joe Carr clone, either.
Or Snakeskin. Jesus.
WHERE IS THE FUG, PEOPLE?
Ah, Rapa Nui Patrick. Yes. We'll be using you at some point, for sure. But not now, because Parsnip has just shown up.
What's your problem, Crumplebottom? I thought you, of all people, would be delighted to see a young person eating up her greens.
So, she ends up going home with Parsnip. Insert grotesque innuendo here.
Oh goody. Another extremely attractive NPC. Nobody's going to be marrying maids or burglars anymore, although there's a delivery guy I've got my eye on. Brandon Lillard profile. Mmmmm. Sweet ugly.
Hi again, Hotdog!
And hi again...Twist's stalker...? WTF are you doing here? Oh never mind. I can probably guess.
Hotdog disappears into the night, but I think it's time we did something nice for this defender of law and order and shitty, shitty cook.
Scrabble doesn't understand why I redecorated his bedroom and bought him a brand new double bed.
Scrabble, the only other double bed in the house is your sister's, and I'm sure you know what goes on in there by now. You don't want to make with the mattress-mambo for the first time in your life and come away with a bush full of crabs and a scorching case of herpes. I doubt she's changed the sheets since Freshman year.
He's more impressed with his own makeover. Not too shabby.
Aww. Opening move = shittalk.
Followed by flirting.
In traffic.
Come on, Hotdog - get with the programme before you have to arrest yourself for jaywalking.
That's better. A table for two in the finest restaurant in town. (And the waiter's pretty damn tasty.)
Scrabble: "To...ohwait...gonna sneeze...no...no...yes? No. False alarm. Don't you just hate it when that happens?"
Scrabble: "I love you so much I'm going to teach you how to make lobster thermidor."
Check out flirty gertie! (It isn't easy for Scrabble, doing all this. He has one outgoing point and pulled a lot of faces at me every time I asked him to flirt.)
Aaaaaand...
Hotdog: "For me?"
Hotdog: "I will take the ring to Mordor, even though I do not know the way."
Scrabble: "...squeeeeee...omg, you're a dork. Iloveyousofuckingmuch."
I can has hotdog?
Yes! You can has hotdog!
Naturally, it's all back to his place.
Woo hoo!
Awww. Scrabble is all growed-up now.
I daresay Hotdog's fucking relieved. Technically he's older than Scrabble's dead great-grandfather and he's been a virgin the whole time. Tough break.
But because he's Hotdog, he sneaks off into the night once the deed is done, because that's how he rolls.
But look at that grin!
Yeah. I think a good time was had by all.
And I was going to stop here, but Twist had a few more precious moments to share with me.
Like playing the piano in a pimp coat.
Or...Jesus H. Christ.
I don't even know.
Streaker: "And I call this position 'The reverse pantomime horse'..."
Twist: "AAAAGH!!! MY EYES!!!"
Yeah, I would imagine it looks really fucked up from that angle.
I always said that was the worse thing about oral sex - the view.
But it's graduation day. And here's Twist.
And here's Scrabble!
Next time: The Generation Four heir is revealed! Plus, a wedding, a funeral, and a big fucking anal probe.