(no subject)
with graduation approaching for the seniors, i am reflecting on my own experiences in college
regretfully, i will probably look back and say that i had a pretty bad college experience
i will miss "college" in comparison to the real world
but both binghamton and smith have sucked tremendous dick
i can count on one hand the people that have been worth knowing
i only have 2 who actually invested any energy at all into knowing me as a person
i am so ridiculously disliked that its stupid
as an example, today:
-annoying trans person tells me (in so many words) that i am an asshole and should not be doing social justice shit
-at my social justice org, dana gives me sideways glances and negative shit the whole time
-afterwards, hayley provokes me constantly and then freaks out when i reply as someone other than a retarded rainbows and hugs communist
-everyone else in the room stink-eyes me until i leave out of shame and embarrassment
-old roommate, who had just ignored me about inquiries to stay with her in dc, contacts me for use of my car.... but i can come too, i guess
everyone just needs to suck a dick
im tired of feeling like shit about myself all the time
on top of it, and i know i dont get to use this as sad-fodder anymore, but i was telling people about adam and his self-depricating mexican jokes and i just missed him so thoroughly that i almost cried
i miss people like that
who are real and who give a shit about my feelings, really - not just because it is the proper and anglotastic thing to do to ask how i feel
who told me his feelings and confided in me, truly and completely, and not just because thats what friends are supposed to do, and who knew how to laugh and who loved me and hugged me and wasnt afraid of anything i said because he was smart enough to know i am always just saying shit to say shit and to maybe make someone laugh
white people are infuriating
women are infuriating
rich people are infuriating
i cannot take this anymore
had i access to weed without having to share it with any of these assholes, i would sit in my room cross-legged on my huge bed and smoke my way into perfect oblivion.
as always, i only have lunesta - so thats whats going down tonight.
i dont know what decision would have been right for me
if i'd stayed in binghamton, the people i loved would be gone already
and smith is terrible
im sure there are other options but to me it seems like its either pretentious white people or idiots at state school
i hate going to a school where someone can say "ouch'd smithie needs a hug!" and 70 people will respond with *hugs!*
we are not 14 and im sorry your professor didnt bow down to your opinion of the new huck finn shit or whatever but grow some fucking balls and get the fuck over it
did i grow at all from smith? yea, sure, fine. but i will leave here so angry and so beaten down that i will not have the confidence to present myself anywhere anymore
and now, of course, everyone is beating on my relationship with grace just like all the fuckheads did to me in high school
because i dont want to go out and i would rather sit and make animals out of clay with grace on a saturday night
yea, whatever, im clearly nesting
but it doesnt occur to these people that i would be more tempted to leave if they didnt suck SO much
if they didnt make me feel like shit and like my feelings and opinions were the stuff of mein kampf and did nothing but "problematize" my fucking shit all day
it just makes me so sad
to know that i am wasting 4 years that should have been wonderful
to know that i am just waiting for a life that doesnt involve any of these people
to want so badly to leave all of this behind, when i once believed i needed it in order to smile in the morning
now, i dont give a shit about anything i have studied
i dont know where im going in the world and will probably follow a path that i hate
i have learned nothing but the art of tricking pretentious people into thinking i give a shit
i have earned a's that represent no knowledge, and could tell you absolutely nothing that has been said in any of my classes
but it doesnt matter
eventually, ill just remember how pretty the campus was
and ill miss eloquent people
and retrospect will make everything i experienced here seem awesome
so who cares how i feel now
regretfully, i will probably look back and say that i had a pretty bad college experience
i will miss "college" in comparison to the real world
but both binghamton and smith have sucked tremendous dick
i can count on one hand the people that have been worth knowing
i only have 2 who actually invested any energy at all into knowing me as a person
i am so ridiculously disliked that its stupid
as an example, today:
-annoying trans person tells me (in so many words) that i am an asshole and should not be doing social justice shit
-at my social justice org, dana gives me sideways glances and negative shit the whole time
-afterwards, hayley provokes me constantly and then freaks out when i reply as someone other than a retarded rainbows and hugs communist
-everyone else in the room stink-eyes me until i leave out of shame and embarrassment
-old roommate, who had just ignored me about inquiries to stay with her in dc, contacts me for use of my car.... but i can come too, i guess
everyone just needs to suck a dick
im tired of feeling like shit about myself all the time
on top of it, and i know i dont get to use this as sad-fodder anymore, but i was telling people about adam and his self-depricating mexican jokes and i just missed him so thoroughly that i almost cried
i miss people like that
who are real and who give a shit about my feelings, really - not just because it is the proper and anglotastic thing to do to ask how i feel
who told me his feelings and confided in me, truly and completely, and not just because thats what friends are supposed to do, and who knew how to laugh and who loved me and hugged me and wasnt afraid of anything i said because he was smart enough to know i am always just saying shit to say shit and to maybe make someone laugh
white people are infuriating
women are infuriating
rich people are infuriating
i cannot take this anymore
had i access to weed without having to share it with any of these assholes, i would sit in my room cross-legged on my huge bed and smoke my way into perfect oblivion.
as always, i only have lunesta - so thats whats going down tonight.
i dont know what decision would have been right for me
if i'd stayed in binghamton, the people i loved would be gone already
and smith is terrible
im sure there are other options but to me it seems like its either pretentious white people or idiots at state school
i hate going to a school where someone can say "ouch'd smithie needs a hug!" and 70 people will respond with *hugs!*
we are not 14 and im sorry your professor didnt bow down to your opinion of the new huck finn shit or whatever but grow some fucking balls and get the fuck over it
did i grow at all from smith? yea, sure, fine. but i will leave here so angry and so beaten down that i will not have the confidence to present myself anywhere anymore
and now, of course, everyone is beating on my relationship with grace just like all the fuckheads did to me in high school
because i dont want to go out and i would rather sit and make animals out of clay with grace on a saturday night
yea, whatever, im clearly nesting
but it doesnt occur to these people that i would be more tempted to leave if they didnt suck SO much
if they didnt make me feel like shit and like my feelings and opinions were the stuff of mein kampf and did nothing but "problematize" my fucking shit all day
it just makes me so sad
to know that i am wasting 4 years that should have been wonderful
to know that i am just waiting for a life that doesnt involve any of these people
to want so badly to leave all of this behind, when i once believed i needed it in order to smile in the morning
now, i dont give a shit about anything i have studied
i dont know where im going in the world and will probably follow a path that i hate
i have learned nothing but the art of tricking pretentious people into thinking i give a shit
i have earned a's that represent no knowledge, and could tell you absolutely nothing that has been said in any of my classes
but it doesnt matter
eventually, ill just remember how pretty the campus was
and ill miss eloquent people
and retrospect will make everything i experienced here seem awesome
so who cares how i feel now