Family and Boats
Spoke with my mom today. Some of her siblings are upsetting her, which upsets me. My mother is really the matriarch of the family - grandma has a lot of problems, including mental illness. It's really always been my mom who's run the show. Most of her siblings respect her like a parent - they only show up to help with the family stuff because she asks them to. But some of them...ugh, it's just not fun. Mom expressed a concern, because she often shows a lack of respect for her mom, and wondered what lesson that taught Andrew and I about how one should respect a parent. I told her that it's different, because while we have a close relationship and can be snotty to each other and joke around, she has always been the parent. There has never been any confusion about that, not like with her and her mom. Even at the hardest moments during the divorce, when it felt like she wasn't able to take care of me, I never felt like I had to take care of her, not the way that she has to care for her mom. The worst of it is that I learned to take care of myself, and that's really not a bad thing.
Riffing off of something Andrew posted - I've felt really uneasy lately, like a boat without an anchor. Drifting. But I don't need an anchor. I need an oar. I'm not sure quite what that means yet, but I know that I've been looking for an anchor, trying to find a way to tie myself down so I can feel secure. I need to start looking for something I can use to direct the boat, not just something to hold it in place.
Random happiness - my mom told me that my uncle Danny was doing something really nice for me. There was an old secretary's desk in the garage at my grandma's house that I fell in love with when we were cleaning everything out. Partly because it's a gorgeous piece of furniture, and partly because it once belonged to Myrtle, who was the one person who made my mom feel special when she was a little girl. Mom has such wonderful memories of her, and there's just this really amazing change in her voice that happens whenever she talks about her. I wanted to save that desk, but at the time we were still in the apartment on Oak Grove and there was just no room for it, nor would there be a place to do the refinishing that needed to be done. I guess Danny (who's my godfather, as well) decided to have it refinished for me, which is such an awesome surprise. I'm not sure when it'll be ready or when I'll get it, but just the idea of him doing that for me makes me so happy and grateful. The wood had a really dark stain on it, and it was in pretty bad shape overall, but I guess once they started taking the stain off, discovered that it's made of white oak, and I just know it's going to be beautiful when it's done.
Riffing off of something Andrew posted - I've felt really uneasy lately, like a boat without an anchor. Drifting. But I don't need an anchor. I need an oar. I'm not sure quite what that means yet, but I know that I've been looking for an anchor, trying to find a way to tie myself down so I can feel secure. I need to start looking for something I can use to direct the boat, not just something to hold it in place.
Random happiness - my mom told me that my uncle Danny was doing something really nice for me. There was an old secretary's desk in the garage at my grandma's house that I fell in love with when we were cleaning everything out. Partly because it's a gorgeous piece of furniture, and partly because it once belonged to Myrtle, who was the one person who made my mom feel special when she was a little girl. Mom has such wonderful memories of her, and there's just this really amazing change in her voice that happens whenever she talks about her. I wanted to save that desk, but at the time we were still in the apartment on Oak Grove and there was just no room for it, nor would there be a place to do the refinishing that needed to be done. I guess Danny (who's my godfather, as well) decided to have it refinished for me, which is such an awesome surprise. I'm not sure when it'll be ready or when I'll get it, but just the idea of him doing that for me makes me so happy and grateful. The wood had a really dark stain on it, and it was in pretty bad shape overall, but I guess once they started taking the stain off, discovered that it's made of white oak, and I just know it's going to be beautiful when it's done.