first one in a while...get ready.
The last few days have been bizarre and uncomfortable, and I can't put a finger on why except to say that I am probably going more schizoid than I knew I could. I am confusing all of my emotions and actions; mismatching to a zenith of self-loathing and inevitable freakouts.
I have always thought of myself as a generally happy person, I worry about little, get excited about simple things, make excellent friends and keep them close. But lately there has been a shift, and all the times I feel like my happiness should be effortless, I practically break into a sweat trying to remember what it feels like. Half the time I want nothing more than to just talk about it with someone, and then I feel so crazy that I'm afraid that if I tell someone I will freak them out too. I get beautiful advice from people who I know care about me, and my first reaction is to just sin on the floor and cry, because as good as the advice is, I can't seem to get myself to take it.
Every day has become a struggle, to figure out what the hell I'm doing with the things I have, and to figure out why the hell I want the things I shouldn't have. I feel like a year ago this would have been a much simpler situation, my mind clearer and thoughts more cohesive and sensible, but I feel like the ability to be sensible has left me.
I admitted a truth to someone tonight that I haven't even been ablt to admit out loud until just then. I am terrified of all the things I know about myself that I wish I could just keep secret. I am baffled by how many times a day I just want to have a drink, or go to sleep, stop time for a little while to see if it passes. I wonder if there's any way for me to face these things more head on, maybe there is a way to see my problems more clearly. But I am afraid that there isn't anything to clarify, and I am just incapable of fixing the hole.
I have always thought of myself as a generally happy person, I worry about little, get excited about simple things, make excellent friends and keep them close. But lately there has been a shift, and all the times I feel like my happiness should be effortless, I practically break into a sweat trying to remember what it feels like. Half the time I want nothing more than to just talk about it with someone, and then I feel so crazy that I'm afraid that if I tell someone I will freak them out too. I get beautiful advice from people who I know care about me, and my first reaction is to just sin on the floor and cry, because as good as the advice is, I can't seem to get myself to take it.
Every day has become a struggle, to figure out what the hell I'm doing with the things I have, and to figure out why the hell I want the things I shouldn't have. I feel like a year ago this would have been a much simpler situation, my mind clearer and thoughts more cohesive and sensible, but I feel like the ability to be sensible has left me.
I admitted a truth to someone tonight that I haven't even been ablt to admit out loud until just then. I am terrified of all the things I know about myself that I wish I could just keep secret. I am baffled by how many times a day I just want to have a drink, or go to sleep, stop time for a little while to see if it passes. I wonder if there's any way for me to face these things more head on, maybe there is a way to see my problems more clearly. But I am afraid that there isn't anything to clarify, and I am just incapable of fixing the hole.