(no subject)
I came to the realization that taking AP classes was the biggest possible mistake I could have made. There's no way I'm going to get higher than a C in world all year and if I pass chem then it'll rain malted milk balls. People ask me why I'm always such a downer and a pessimist and this is why, why I am optimistic I put myself over my head and just get set up for a harder fall. Just about everyone of my teachers is waiting for me to say that I'm a fucking asshole that doesn't give a shit and I made a mistake taking your class. Unfortunatly this is where my dilemma begins.
I can't drop AP chem because my dad would automatically assume it's because I don't care and won't let me run track or drop the class. Well guess what dad? I do give a damn! Do you think I like to get back 50% quizzes? Do you think I like having Birkenfeld tell me that me doing my homework is no suprise because I never do it? Well Birkenfeld can go get punched in the face 'cause I work my ass off in that class but because I can't do better than 70% it's obviously because I don't do work and not the fact that I don't understand why I'm wrong.
I'm not trying to sound pitiful, the last thing I want is sympathy. I'm just really pissed. My dad has no confidence in me in school. He tells me that I should start looking at OC classes for running start and after high school. The other day he told me he found a way for me to pay for college and be financially secure, he then proceeded to show me the navy recruitment website and played anchors aweigh. He has no clue of my grades right now and I bet when he sees the 1st quarter he's gonna have a heart attack then and there.
My sophomore year is basically gonna fuck my GPA until kingdom come and no college in their right mind will accept me. So 2 years from now when I get numerous rejections I can just see my dad playing anchors aweigh and telling me, "Told you so."
I just can't win.
I don't know if I'll go back to xc next season, or if I'll be allowed to. My parents don't want me running until february because I sprained an ankle about 4 weeks ago and they're worried that it hasn't healed. And even if I'm allowed to do xc next season, all I would do is be the team asshole and take up a spot that I don't deserve and that somebody else should get. If I do run, I'll prolly just tell coach to shut up and train the guys that won't get hurt/slower/be an ass/have a chance to do something. The team is gonna be a bunch of morons next year anyway so it won't be much of a loss.
when I bring my report card home, I'm just gonna leave it on the counter, and seriously go run for 20 miles. Then I can reinjure the ankle and my parents will prefer to yell at me for my lack of common sense then my grades. I feel like I let everyone that expected great things from me down. Will, the dream team, the two or three teachers that didn't think I was an ass, I'm sorry guys. You placed your bets on the wrong horse.
I miss the days when my biggest worries were what was I going to do for recess. I'm looking through some old photos and I see a smiling ten year old boy. As I come closer to the present the smile fades and the eyes look lost. I killed that boy, I killed him and turned his remains into an uncaring fool. I'm a murderer and a monster, somebody give me the pain I deserve.
I'm sorry if anybody actually wasted their time on reading this, you have my permission to punch me in the face for wasting your life. So much for learning to control my anger, all I did was contain it for longer this time. I just hope next time I explode nobody is near me or they'll get hurt, and I would never forgive myself for that.