148- Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Oi, uh, Boss! I got a friend who needs a job. I can vouch for her experience since I've been working with her for a couple years now, so...? Wanna help me hook her up here?
[Post ends; Responses come a few hours later]
Uh... Ha-chan... I'm not feelin'... too good...
[Staggers into the bathroom, closes but doesn't lock the door, then is silent for some hours or so, sprawled out on the floor]
[The following hallucination is merely a figment of Excel's imagination]
The whole apartment spun around and around, like a Cuisinart, but less impressive and more monochromatic. "How low-budget," Excel commented before looking down at what she was wearing. She looked like she belonged in an old country-style restaurant in the American midwest. At the sound of a familiar yelping sound, she noticed she wasn't alone. She pounced quickly, catching Menchi before the dog had a chance to escape. Just as they both hit the ground, there was a loud crash and everything suddenly stopped. When she opened the apartment door, it was like like stepping into a Jackson Pollack painting. With a cringe, Excel tucked Menchi under her arm and exited her monochromatic "mobile" home.
"Hoooo, I don't think we're in Fukuoka anymore, Menchi. ... Come to think of it, we weren't there to begin with." Every color conceivable (and some inconceivable colors) assaulted Excel's eyes as she took in her new surroundings. "Wonder where the heck we ARE." Looking just to her right, she noticed she was standing next to a sign that said "WELCOME TO MARS" in big bold letters. "...."
"WHAT THE-!?"
As Excel was busy clutching her head in agony at the sudden realization of her predicament, Menchi dropped to the ground and quickly skittered back over to the apartment door, which now was locked shut. When the girl came back to her senses, she made a dive to put a pro league batter to shame, catching Menchi before she could make another break for it. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed something shiny. Money? No such luck. Apparently, her apartment had landed on something. SomeONE, rather. They had some pretty gaudy-looking red sneakers on, too. BUT THAT WAS HARDLY THE DISTURBING PART CONSIDERING EXCEL WAS AT THE SCENE OF A CRIME. Before she had a chance to ditch before the cops showed up, however, she noticed she wasn't alone anymore. Several dwarfish, yellow creatures had crawled out of various nooks and crannies in the bizzare-o-vision city she'd landed in. Excel eyed them hesitantly. Witnesses.
She was about to flee, but the little things didn't look like they were going to report her. Actually, it didn't even look like they could, since they only seemed capable of uttering a two-syllable phrase that sounded awfully familiar in a trans-medium sort of way. Well, if they weren't going to report her, she decided she should head off and find a way back. Her progress was halted YET AGAIN, though, by a hideous childlike cackle from overhead. The little yellow things dove for cover and Excel was left alone to face whatever horror was approaching. From above she could see that it was a young-looking girl with pink and blue hair, with mechanical-looking cat ears, a witch hat, and a cable-like thing hanging from her neck, riding on a broom. Vaguely reminiscent of a magical girl anime. Excel wondered about the fashion tastes in this place for a moment. CRAP, SHE'D BEEN SPOTTED!
"Hey, hey, you big bully! You killed Big Sis, Wicked Witch 1!" The accusatory brat pointed an equally accusatory finger at Excel, who flinched. "Oi, oi, she was like that when I got here! I didn't do nothin', slanderous pipsqueak!" The little witch stared back with catlike eyes, sending a shudder up Excel's spine. "So you're just graverobbing, then~?" Her finger lowered toward Excel's feet, and she was shocked to find those ugly red sneaks on her feets. "ACK! I'VE BEEN FRAMED!" The witch's eyes flashed with malicious intent as she climbed up on her broom, ready to pounce. Suddenly, though, a bright pink bubble appeared behind her, revealing a young man with a lab coat and glasses... and pretty pink fairy wings.... The man smiled casually, and tapped the young girl on the head with a rolled-up newspaper. She winced, whining. "Oooh~! You're so meaaaan~!" Still smiling, the man pointed off to the west. "Now, now, back to your room." Sulking cutely, the girl pouted and zoomed off on her broom, leaving Excel staring like she'd been watching some kind of bad cartoon.
"I'm just gonna... Leave now..." Excel shook her head and started to walk off, when the man stopped her. She began wondering if she'd ever be allowed to leave the damn place. "Actually, I have some advice for you. It's good~." Looking back at him, the man gave her the creepiest vibe. She wasn't really sure she WANTED his advice. "... What is it?" Giving her that weird smile of his, he replied "If you want to go back, follow the road." She paused, letting that sink in. There was only one road to be seen, and it ended at the village thing she was in. Some advice. "Right... So where's it go?" The man, who vaguely reminded her of someone she'd met before, looked mildly annoyed, though he didn't stop smiling. "At the end, you'll find a city, where the Wizard of Il lives. He can take you back." Excel thought for a moment. It sounded legit enough given the circumstances. "Alright, fine. Thanks." FINALLY she was allowed to leave, but not before noticing the Prof-... Good witch's eye twitch in irritation, possibly because she didn't offer anything in return for the information. Well, whatever.
Some time later, Excel and Menchi found themselves passing through a cornfield. She felt her stomach growling, and took a few quick glances around to make sure noone was looking before grabbing an ear of corn off the stalk. "HEY! Put that back!" Nearly spitting the food back out, Excel looked up to the figure that had shouted out at her. "... Oi, Elgala, what're you doing here?" "... Ah... I, Elg-... I mean, I, the Scare... Oh, why must I, Elgala, be the scarecrow?! You're horrible, Senior!" The "scarecrow" was a young woman about Excel's age, though significantly more... Well, let's say her proportions were distributed a little more unevenly. She had purple hair, with two large curls framing her face and the rest pinned up in the back. She was dressed like a country bumpkin, with overalls, a flannel shirt, and a straw hat, along with straw stuffed in other various places. "All this straw itches, Senior, can't I be the beautiful Good Witch or something instead?" Excel cut in quickly, "Knock off the metababble and tell me where the hell I am!" The other girl huffed and crossed her arms under her chest, a gesture that caused Excel to grimace. "Don't be so cold, Senior! ... Hmph! Why didn't you just ask the Pu... The things over at that village? Anyway, I don't know where we are!"
Excel was already walking away. "!! S-SHE DIDN'T EVEN LET ME FINISH!" "You're thinking out loud again, El!" The scarecrow stumbled after Excel like she was off-balance somehow, perhaps due to the uneven distribution of straw? "Maybe if you had more than straw in that head of yours..." "That's not fair, Senior, this isn't MY hallucination! YOU'RE the one with such a brutish imagination! Besides, I, Elgala, wish to escape this hellish fate, too!"
Well, it was better than nothing. "Fine, but keep up. .... Oh, and here. Carry Menchi, huh?" Excel handed the dog over to Elgala, cheering the two up slightly, though possibly only out of mutual misery. "Where are we going, anyway, Senior?" "Some weird city, I guess. The fairy guy said it was called the City of Il." ".... What a strangely attractive name..." "You thought so, too?"
They both stopped upon noticing a gray, metallic-looking figure on the ground ahead, near some woods. It was purple-blue patterned, with what looked like long bluish hair on top. Otherwise it looked remarkably like a robot. Except that it was in the middle of a pool of blood. The thumping coming from it indicated there was a heart in there, but as a robot, there was no circulatory system to contain all the blood. So it just made a mess of everything as a result. "EEEEEEEEEEEK~! S-SENIOR, MECHA MURDER!" Too stunned to punch her companion, Excel stared for a second longer before walking over to the "body". "Wait a minute... Ha-chan?"
A mechanical hand raised weakly at the name. "Haaaaaaiii, Senior~..." Both Excel and Elgala had to resist retching at the gruesome sight. "Ah, well... Since I'm already carrying Miss Menchi, I guess you'll have to carry Senior Hyatt, right, Senior Excel?" Excel grumbled at her own logic being twisted against her, but curses, Elgala was right. "Thank you, Senior~..." "Ah... Don't mention it, Ha-chan. Just don't bleed all over me an-HURK! ... H-Ha-chan... You've gained some weight, huh...?"
One long, treacherous, lion-free-because-the-writer-was-being-impatient trek later, and at least ONE musical number later, the trio + dog arrived at large, glowing city.
"... Wonder how long we can survive in there before succumbing to radiation poisoning..."
As they approached the front gates, a slot opened up, and a man with bizarre-looking hair, glasses, and a pointy mustache poked his head out. "Yes, what is it?" Excel stepped up and scratched her head, a little less surprised with a relatively (and I mean VERY relatively) normal-looking guy. "Yeah, say, we were told to come here for some kind wizar-...?" "NOBODY GETS TO SEE THE WIZARD, NOT NO WAY, NOT NO HOW!"
Excel flinched at the sudden outburst, staring in surprise. That only lasted a moment, though, before she flared with anger and grabbed the odd man by his spinning little mustache. "WIZARD. NOW!" As soon as she let go, the doors flew open. "Good job, Senior~! The diplomacy was successful~!" "I, Elgala, personally think we could have managed that without violence, since you have a beautiful young woman like myself here to sweet-talk guards and the like." "Shut up, El. Let's just get the hell out of here already."
They'd FINALLY reached the secret headqua-that is, lair, of the Wizard of Il. ... Funny. It looked just like the base back home. And the man in the throne...
"I am the Wizard of Il. I have heard much about you three. You wish for my assistance, correct?"
Once all three were over their collective awe at his countenance, Excel was the first to speak up (of course).
"Yo! My Lord! I mean, my Wizard! Question here!"
The man was, however, already behind her, handing out items to the others.
"Elgala, you don't need brains. Your spirit and will to serve is enough. Hyatt, you do not need a new heart, as you never needed one in the first place. Ah... And Miss Menchi. You're free to go."
"Ah... thank you, my Lord... I think...? That WAS a compliment, right...?"
"Haaaaaiiii~... BHURK-~*!"
Menchi high-tailed it out of the building like a bolt.
"Oi, um, Sir, what about me?"
The man looked back at her with the kindest-looking gaze she'd ever seen on his face. She blushed involuntarily as he approached, unable to maintain composure in his presence.
"Dear Excel... You don't need to return home. Your comrades are more than sufficient, and a replacement is already underway~."
Shattered. Inside and out. But wait, that wasn't how this story was supposed to end! She was the main character! Status quo demanded it!
"B-! But my Lord, I'm the one who's always been with you! I'm the one who'll always serve you, no matter what! Without you I have no purpose! Everything I do I do for you, my Lord! Take me back home with you, I beg you!"
He was silent. The others seemed to have disappeared. They were alone.
"I see... So you felt this strongly about it..."
The man approached, and Excel could feel her heart beating throughout her entire body.
"However... It is not yet time for you to return... There are still things to be done..."
"But WHAT, my Lord!? What can I do while I'm stuck in this place?!" Her eyes had started to well up with tears. "What can I do?! WhaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Her shout faded into the abyss of a trap door, like the pits she was so used to falling into...
SPLASH
[Voice post initiated after/during the above dream sequence]
[The sound of running water can be heard after a loud clatter indicating the device had been dropped, probably outside a tub. Excel wakes to find herself submerged and soaked in the tub, which is running over. She groans loudly, kicking the knob to shut it off.]
Bwugh... What the... Where am... Uh...? Arrrrrgh, my head... Why... S-Somehow I just felt a strange shudder of... Sadness...?
.... Wait a minute.... HA-CHAN. I didn't think you could do anything to alter something as simple as a TV dinner, but perhaps that was a mistake.
[Post ends; Responses come a few hours later]
Uh... Ha-chan... I'm not feelin'... too good...
[Staggers into the bathroom, closes but doesn't lock the door, then is silent for some hours or so, sprawled out on the floor]
[The following hallucination is merely a figment of Excel's imagination]
The whole apartment spun around and around, like a Cuisinart, but less impressive and more monochromatic. "How low-budget," Excel commented before looking down at what she was wearing. She looked like she belonged in an old country-style restaurant in the American midwest. At the sound of a familiar yelping sound, she noticed she wasn't alone. She pounced quickly, catching Menchi before the dog had a chance to escape. Just as they both hit the ground, there was a loud crash and everything suddenly stopped. When she opened the apartment door, it was like like stepping into a Jackson Pollack painting. With a cringe, Excel tucked Menchi under her arm and exited her monochromatic "mobile" home.
"Hoooo, I don't think we're in Fukuoka anymore, Menchi. ... Come to think of it, we weren't there to begin with." Every color conceivable (and some inconceivable colors) assaulted Excel's eyes as she took in her new surroundings. "Wonder where the heck we ARE." Looking just to her right, she noticed she was standing next to a sign that said "WELCOME TO MARS" in big bold letters. "...."
"WHAT THE-!?"
As Excel was busy clutching her head in agony at the sudden realization of her predicament, Menchi dropped to the ground and quickly skittered back over to the apartment door, which now was locked shut. When the girl came back to her senses, she made a dive to put a pro league batter to shame, catching Menchi before she could make another break for it. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed something shiny. Money? No such luck. Apparently, her apartment had landed on something. SomeONE, rather. They had some pretty gaudy-looking red sneakers on, too. BUT THAT WAS HARDLY THE DISTURBING PART CONSIDERING EXCEL WAS AT THE SCENE OF A CRIME. Before she had a chance to ditch before the cops showed up, however, she noticed she wasn't alone anymore. Several dwarfish, yellow creatures had crawled out of various nooks and crannies in the bizzare-o-vision city she'd landed in. Excel eyed them hesitantly. Witnesses.
She was about to flee, but the little things didn't look like they were going to report her. Actually, it didn't even look like they could, since they only seemed capable of uttering a two-syllable phrase that sounded awfully familiar in a trans-medium sort of way. Well, if they weren't going to report her, she decided she should head off and find a way back. Her progress was halted YET AGAIN, though, by a hideous childlike cackle from overhead. The little yellow things dove for cover and Excel was left alone to face whatever horror was approaching. From above she could see that it was a young-looking girl with pink and blue hair, with mechanical-looking cat ears, a witch hat, and a cable-like thing hanging from her neck, riding on a broom. Vaguely reminiscent of a magical girl anime. Excel wondered about the fashion tastes in this place for a moment. CRAP, SHE'D BEEN SPOTTED!
"Hey, hey, you big bully! You killed Big Sis, Wicked Witch 1!" The accusatory brat pointed an equally accusatory finger at Excel, who flinched. "Oi, oi, she was like that when I got here! I didn't do nothin', slanderous pipsqueak!" The little witch stared back with catlike eyes, sending a shudder up Excel's spine. "So you're just graverobbing, then~?" Her finger lowered toward Excel's feet, and she was shocked to find those ugly red sneaks on her feets. "ACK! I'VE BEEN FRAMED!" The witch's eyes flashed with malicious intent as she climbed up on her broom, ready to pounce. Suddenly, though, a bright pink bubble appeared behind her, revealing a young man with a lab coat and glasses... and pretty pink fairy wings.... The man smiled casually, and tapped the young girl on the head with a rolled-up newspaper. She winced, whining. "Oooh~! You're so meaaaan~!" Still smiling, the man pointed off to the west. "Now, now, back to your room." Sulking cutely, the girl pouted and zoomed off on her broom, leaving Excel staring like she'd been watching some kind of bad cartoon.
"I'm just gonna... Leave now..." Excel shook her head and started to walk off, when the man stopped her. She began wondering if she'd ever be allowed to leave the damn place. "Actually, I have some advice for you. It's good~." Looking back at him, the man gave her the creepiest vibe. She wasn't really sure she WANTED his advice. "... What is it?" Giving her that weird smile of his, he replied "If you want to go back, follow the road." She paused, letting that sink in. There was only one road to be seen, and it ended at the village thing she was in. Some advice. "Right... So where's it go?" The man, who vaguely reminded her of someone she'd met before, looked mildly annoyed, though he didn't stop smiling. "At the end, you'll find a city, where the Wizard of Il lives. He can take you back." Excel thought for a moment. It sounded legit enough given the circumstances. "Alright, fine. Thanks." FINALLY she was allowed to leave, but not before noticing the Prof-... Good witch's eye twitch in irritation, possibly because she didn't offer anything in return for the information. Well, whatever.
Some time later, Excel and Menchi found themselves passing through a cornfield. She felt her stomach growling, and took a few quick glances around to make sure noone was looking before grabbing an ear of corn off the stalk. "HEY! Put that back!" Nearly spitting the food back out, Excel looked up to the figure that had shouted out at her. "... Oi, Elgala, what're you doing here?" "... Ah... I, Elg-... I mean, I, the Scare... Oh, why must I, Elgala, be the scarecrow?! You're horrible, Senior!" The "scarecrow" was a young woman about Excel's age, though significantly more... Well, let's say her proportions were distributed a little more unevenly. She had purple hair, with two large curls framing her face and the rest pinned up in the back. She was dressed like a country bumpkin, with overalls, a flannel shirt, and a straw hat, along with straw stuffed in other various places. "All this straw itches, Senior, can't I be the beautiful Good Witch or something instead?" Excel cut in quickly, "Knock off the metababble and tell me where the hell I am!" The other girl huffed and crossed her arms under her chest, a gesture that caused Excel to grimace. "Don't be so cold, Senior! ... Hmph! Why didn't you just ask the Pu... The things over at that village? Anyway, I don't know where we are!"
Excel was already walking away. "!! S-SHE DIDN'T EVEN LET ME FINISH!" "You're thinking out loud again, El!" The scarecrow stumbled after Excel like she was off-balance somehow, perhaps due to the uneven distribution of straw? "Maybe if you had more than straw in that head of yours..." "That's not fair, Senior, this isn't MY hallucination! YOU'RE the one with such a brutish imagination! Besides, I, Elgala, wish to escape this hellish fate, too!"
Well, it was better than nothing. "Fine, but keep up. .... Oh, and here. Carry Menchi, huh?" Excel handed the dog over to Elgala, cheering the two up slightly, though possibly only out of mutual misery. "Where are we going, anyway, Senior?" "Some weird city, I guess. The fairy guy said it was called the City of Il." ".... What a strangely attractive name..." "You thought so, too?"
They both stopped upon noticing a gray, metallic-looking figure on the ground ahead, near some woods. It was purple-blue patterned, with what looked like long bluish hair on top. Otherwise it looked remarkably like a robot. Except that it was in the middle of a pool of blood. The thumping coming from it indicated there was a heart in there, but as a robot, there was no circulatory system to contain all the blood. So it just made a mess of everything as a result. "EEEEEEEEEEEK~! S-SENIOR, MECHA MURDER!" Too stunned to punch her companion, Excel stared for a second longer before walking over to the "body". "Wait a minute... Ha-chan?"
A mechanical hand raised weakly at the name. "Haaaaaaiii, Senior~..." Both Excel and Elgala had to resist retching at the gruesome sight. "Ah, well... Since I'm already carrying Miss Menchi, I guess you'll have to carry Senior Hyatt, right, Senior Excel?" Excel grumbled at her own logic being twisted against her, but curses, Elgala was right. "Thank you, Senior~..." "Ah... Don't mention it, Ha-chan. Just don't bleed all over me an-HURK! ... H-Ha-chan... You've gained some weight, huh...?"
One long, treacherous, lion-free-because-the-writer-was-being-impatient trek later, and at least ONE musical number later, the trio + dog arrived at large, glowing city.
"... Wonder how long we can survive in there before succumbing to radiation poisoning..."
As they approached the front gates, a slot opened up, and a man with bizarre-looking hair, glasses, and a pointy mustache poked his head out. "Yes, what is it?" Excel stepped up and scratched her head, a little less surprised with a relatively (and I mean VERY relatively) normal-looking guy. "Yeah, say, we were told to come here for some kind wizar-...?" "NOBODY GETS TO SEE THE WIZARD, NOT NO WAY, NOT NO HOW!"
Excel flinched at the sudden outburst, staring in surprise. That only lasted a moment, though, before she flared with anger and grabbed the odd man by his spinning little mustache. "WIZARD. NOW!" As soon as she let go, the doors flew open. "Good job, Senior~! The diplomacy was successful~!" "I, Elgala, personally think we could have managed that without violence, since you have a beautiful young woman like myself here to sweet-talk guards and the like." "Shut up, El. Let's just get the hell out of here already."
They'd FINALLY reached the secret headqua-that is, lair, of the Wizard of Il. ... Funny. It looked just like the base back home. And the man in the throne...
"I am the Wizard of Il. I have heard much about you three. You wish for my assistance, correct?"
Once all three were over their collective awe at his countenance, Excel was the first to speak up (of course).
"Yo! My Lord! I mean, my Wizard! Question here!"
The man was, however, already behind her, handing out items to the others.
"Elgala, you don't need brains. Your spirit and will to serve is enough. Hyatt, you do not need a new heart, as you never needed one in the first place. Ah... And Miss Menchi. You're free to go."
"Ah... thank you, my Lord... I think...? That WAS a compliment, right...?"
"Haaaaaiiii~... BHURK-~*!"
Menchi high-tailed it out of the building like a bolt.
"Oi, um, Sir, what about me?"
The man looked back at her with the kindest-looking gaze she'd ever seen on his face. She blushed involuntarily as he approached, unable to maintain composure in his presence.
"Dear Excel... You don't need to return home. Your comrades are more than sufficient, and a replacement is already underway~."
Shattered. Inside and out. But wait, that wasn't how this story was supposed to end! She was the main character! Status quo demanded it!
"B-! But my Lord, I'm the one who's always been with you! I'm the one who'll always serve you, no matter what! Without you I have no purpose! Everything I do I do for you, my Lord! Take me back home with you, I beg you!"
He was silent. The others seemed to have disappeared. They were alone.
"I see... So you felt this strongly about it..."
The man approached, and Excel could feel her heart beating throughout her entire body.
"However... It is not yet time for you to return... There are still things to be done..."
"But WHAT, my Lord!? What can I do while I'm stuck in this place?!" Her eyes had started to well up with tears. "What can I do?! WhaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Her shout faded into the abyss of a trap door, like the pits she was so used to falling into...
SPLASH
[Voice post initiated after/during the above dream sequence]
[The sound of running water can be heard after a loud clatter indicating the device had been dropped, probably outside a tub. Excel wakes to find herself submerged and soaked in the tub, which is running over. She groans loudly, kicking the knob to shut it off.]
Bwugh... What the... Where am... Uh...? Arrrrrgh, my head... Why... S-Somehow I just felt a strange shudder of... Sadness...?
.... Wait a minute.... HA-CHAN. I didn't think you could do anything to alter something as simple as a TV dinner, but perhaps that was a mistake.