Something Borrowed: A Humorous Review with No Real Analytical Value Whatsoever
Something Borrowed: A Humorous Review with No Real Analytical Value Whatsoever
Disclaimer: As the title should indicate, this review is written purely to vent my own frustrations. It makes no attempt at in-depth, unbiased analysis regarding this episode or the within characters’ actions or motives. I’m posting it online, not to piss anyone off, but so that like minded people can my share in my humor. If you are strongly disposed toward the character of Gwen Cooper or the Gwack Ship, I suggest you do not read this review.
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The episode opens with a flashback to THAT scene in KKBB. Yes, for some reason the writers decided that the epitome of Gwen and Rhys’s love story needs a Gwack scene to kick it off.
The flashback ends with Gwen declaring she needs stability and someone she can depend on. Why does she feel the need to tell Jack this? There was never anything between them except some ill advised sexual tension. Why should she, a feisty independent woman according to the writers, have to explain herself to a man to whom she made no promises and received none in return?
Next up is the hen do. Well I assume it’s called that. Here in the states we call it a bachelorette party. I’ve heard people totally trash this scene along with Gwen’s friends on the grounds that it’s so trashy. These people haven’t been to a good bachelorette party because that’s exactly what they’re supposed to be like, trashy. I attended one recently that included penis shaped bowls, straws with creepy model penises shish kabobed on them, and the bride-to-be wearing a sash that read “Suck for a Buck”… there were little hard candies on it. And this bachelorette party was planned by the mother of the groom.
That doesn’t excuse her friends for being utter twits for the rest of the episode.
Anyway, back to the plot, as abhorrent as it is. We have another set of flashbacks. It turns out that Gwen was working the night before her wedding. That’s about as smart as my cousin going skate boarding the week before his wedding. Luckily his tux hid where the skin on his elbow got peeled off by the ground.
Back to the flashback, Gwen’s out on her own hunting an unknown alien… in high heels. Where’s her back up and sensible alien hunting shoes?
In present time in the bar, Gwen’s friends got her a stripper in a pink thong. She is appropriately horrified.
Flashback-there are too goddamn many of these things-Gwen’s still chasing the alien. Her gun is out and at the ready, which doesn’t disturb or shock the residents of Cardiff in the least as they observe the strange woman in impractical clothes running around like a mad woman. Sheesh, even here in America where practically everyone owns a gun this would cause a stir.
Gwen get’s jumped and bitten before Jack decides to show up and save her at the last minute.
Cut to the next morning. Gwen wakes up hung over and nine months pregnant.
After the title flash, Owen and Jack have arrived and try to convince Gwen to call off the wedding. Gwen for some reason is eating pickles and declares the wedding will proceed as planned, totally not caring for the logistics of how to work that out.
“You’re not thinking straight,” Jack points out.
“Don’t bring my bloody hormones into this Mr. Jack Harkness!” Gwen yells.
When did Jack mention hormones? He could have just as easily been referring to the effect of the shock of waking up with full term alien pregnancy is having on her mind.
Gwen argues that the pregnancy must be safe since nothing bad has happened…yet. So the wedding will proceed.
She then calls Rhys.
Back at the Hub, Jack’s giving orders. Tosh gets an early pass to the wedding, which to me indicates that Torchwood most likely was invited after all, though for some reason Tosh was still shut out of the hen do. Oh, and Ianto now has to go dress shopping.
Rhys arrives at the flat, scared to death that Gwen’s having second thoughts.
Elsewhere, Ianto’s looking at wedding dresses for Gwen. An employee at the shop notes that a lot of men come in buying for “their friends”. Yes, quotations and italics.
Back at their flat, Rhys is pissed that Jack made Gwen work the night before her wedding. I call foul on this reasoning as, if I’ve learned nothing else about these characters, it’s that Jack can’t make Gwen do anything she doesn’t want to.
Rhys decides they should cancel the wedding because he cares more about Gwen’s health and safety than the money they’d lose and embarrassment he’d suffer by calling off the wedding. Gwen convinces him that she wants to go through with it because she wants to marry him right now. What’s the hurry, Gwen? You’re already showing…bad joke.
At the Hub, Owen the Undead Medic flirts with Tosh the Still Breathing Tech over the dead alien’s body. Tosh convinces Owen to come to his ex-lover’s wedding to the man he spent a good chunk of last season cuckolding. Not one of our beautiful genius’s better ideas.
At Rhys’s apartment, Gwen shares an awkward moment with her parents. They’re understandably surprised to find their daughter in such an advanced state of pregnancy. Gwen attempts to handwave it by saying she and Rhys wanted it to be a surprise. Uh, bullshit. Gwen’s the type to call her mother the instant she misses a period. There are very few women I know of who would go through the majority of their first pregnancy without a female relative standing in as a guide.
If you’re going to lie Gwen, try and make it believable.
Oh, and apparently Torchwood keeps her so busy she can’t even phone home once in awhile. I can’t even go spend the weekend at my cousin’s without calling by parent a couple times.
Gwen begins to realize that showing up to her own wedding visibly pregnant might not have been a good idea when her parents express their joy at having a soon to be grandbaby. Now where is Gwen going to get a baby to pass off to her parents as hers? Theoretically Ianto could steal her one, but I think he might draw the line somewhere before that.
The wedding is to take place at what I assume is a Victorian (don’t quote me on the era) mansion that suffered the indignity of being converted to a hotel and forced to host weddings to make ends meet. While signing in, her parents discuss why nobody mentioned that their daughter is carrying her boyfriend’s, well presumably, child. Nowhere do they ever stop to wonder why Gwen is wearing a shirt several times too small rather than a fashionable maternity shirt.
Also, if we need a happy couple to balance out all the misery and despair RTD’s minions throw at us, why couldn’t it be Mr. and Mrs. Cooper? They’re adorable. While from their dialogue we gather that Mrs. Cooper is just as bossy and domineering as Gwen, Mr. Cooper isn’t her beleaguered spouse. He clearly is enjoying every minute of it. In the immortal words of Walker Hayes…
I love that song.
Gwen escapes to her room when her mother-in-law to be arrives. The in-laws exchange witty banter. Upon meeting Brenda Williams, I begin to understand Rhys’s attraction to Gwen.
Gwen, once reality slapped her in the face a few times, finally realizes one of the lesser reasons why going through with the wedding while pregnant with a murderous alien fetus in her womb might just be a bad idea. Realizing that continuing the lie will devastate their families, Rhys suggests they just tell the truth.
What is Gwen’s objection? She doesn’t want her parents living in fear of what might come through the Rift. Not that she doesn’t have the authority to tell them. Not that it’s against regulations. Not that it’s treason. No, Gwen doesn’t care about any of that stuff. She just doesn’t want her mommy and daddy to be frightened.
Meanwhile the bridesmaids arrive, bitches that they are. They talk trash about some random friend of Rhys’s that has never been mentioned before and obviously the deadman walking.
Banana Boat, the best-man who has been mentioned before and will most likely survive, spots Tosh and is immediately smitten. Tosh, not so much, thereby assuring that he will survive. In the bar, the Deadman Walking gets hit on by a poorman’s Caucasian Eva Mendez. This ends about as well as you’d expect.
In the bridal suite, Gwen is insentitive in keeping with her character, talking about how Tosh will find someone someday. No Gwen, in order to try and boost your popularity, Tosh will be horribly murdered in four more episodes. So no, she won’t find someone. And yes, I’m highly bitter.
WARNING: Janto Scene. VIEWING AFTER COE AND IN LIGHT OF MIRICLE WHIP MAY INSPIRE MURDEROUS RAGE TOWARD THE WRITING STAFF AND RTD. PLEASE CONTROL THESE IMPULSES. WE ARE BETTER PEOPLE THAN THEY ARE, THEY WILL CRASH AND BURN WITHOUT THE AID OF OUR RIGHTEOUS VENGENCE.
Jack and Ianto flip through a wedding magazine, debating which dress Jack will wear for their upcoming nuptials…Wait, no that’s a fanfic that needs to be written. In reality, Jack is praising Ianto’s choice for Gwen’s replacement gown. But since Jack and Ianto are shamelessly flirting in this scene, I like to think there’s the subtext of them considering their own lifelong union. At least until Owen storms in and their forced to switch back to professional mode.
Back at the picturesque manor, which I’m going to call Lindsey Hall after the house in the Bedwyn Saga, the Deadman Walking gets lured off by Caucasian Eva. He’s promptly eaten.
The bridesmaids discover that Gwen is miraculously pregnant. Elsewhere in Lindsey Hall, Tosh is captured by the shapeshifter because of Banana Boat’s untimely interruption.
Since Gwen isn’t at the Hub today, the writers make Ianto the clueless idiot who needs everything explained to him despite his qualifications, working as a researcher at Torchwood One and running the archives in Cardiff. On the bright side, Jack is jealous that Ianto is agreeing with Owen.
Meanwhile Gwen’s bridesmaids are complete and utter twits who believe the line of bullshit Gwen fed them about camouflage dressing. They assume they were just really drunk and make no mention of the fact Gwen was knocking them back just as much.
In the bridal bower, Gwen’s mother goes on about how Gwen will be a good mother causing Gwen to feel like shit, as she should. A quick air kiss and Mrs. Cooper leaves to allow Mr. Cooper some alone time with Gwennie. She promptly confesses it’s not Rhys’s baby.
Barry Williams has figured that out as well. As any self-respecting father, he doesn’t approve of Gwen. Rhys proclaims he loves Gwen and will have no other…God this is just like the Bedwyn Saga, except without the strong and clever leading ladies. Mary Balogh, save me. I need your intelligent women who can take care of themselves in a man’s world.
Tosh, meanwhile, is trapped in an S&M nightmare with Banana Boat.
Mr. Cooper, being highly supportive, is okay with the idea that his daughter is a cheater, as long as she doesn’t further screw up her life by marrying the wrong guy. Or he’s trying to save Rhys. Either or. Then Gwen, on a roll, confesses there is no other man, but an alien who knocked her up…Okay. How’s daddy react to that? Rather well actually. He thinks it’s just a stress induced delusion and she’ll be fine when the wedding’s over.
Downstairs, Brenda Williams complains how she wasn’t late to her wedding, unlike Gwen who’s still hiding in her room.
“No. Barry might have got away,” Mrs. Cooper replies.
While I find Gwen and Rhys’s families hilarious, we do seem to be missing the team. Are we sure this isn’t Miracle Whip already?
In the land of S&M, Tosh shuts the screaming Banana Boat up by squeezing his ball sack. Seriously. Tosh is just that awesome.
And for some reason the wedding starts without the best man, who is usually holding onto the rings. Maybe they’ll exchange keyrings instead of wedding bands. Who knows? And apparently they managed to keep the pregnancy under wraps, judging by the shocked gasps Gwen garners, walking down the aisle.
And despite it all, I think I like Rhys’s mom. She’s like an eviler Molly Weasley.
Oh, there’s Jack. Running down the aisle. Shouting “Stop the wedding!”. After all the dramatic music and the officiate asking if there was anyone who had reason why Gwen and Rhys shouldn’t be wed. They are really pushing the Gwack thing, aren’t they?
“Gwen’s cheated on Rhys with two different guys, one of whom didn’t really exist and the other one looks like a frog and has the social grace of a snapping turtle! Oh, and I know for a fact she mind raped Rhys at least once. Ianto has the retcon inventory to prove it.”
No, he doesn’t actually say that. But I’m sure he was thinking it.
Unfortunately, Jack’s dramatic entrance convinces everyone that the baby is his and that Gwen’s about to throw Rhys over for him.
To quote the bridesmaid, “Some good looking guy sweeps up the aisle and tells you to hold off on the confetti. What you gonna do? Marry Rhys?” Yes, in a heartbeat. Jack may be pretty to look at, but Rhys is dependable, supportive, and I happen to think he looks pretty damn good naked.
Gwen, despite being told there’s a flesh hungry alien stalking her wedding, insists that they are not postponing it. She proceeds to blame all her lying and sleeping around on Jack, insisting no one else would stand by her and put up with her. Not glowing recommendations for a marriage, but I guess it’s a better reason than a lot have for tying the knot. Also, in this scene, Gwen seems to be outright daring Jack to step up and claim her for his own.
They get interrupted by a screaming bridesmaid, who for some reason no one noticed walking into the S&M room, or tried to stop when she fled to announce that Deadman Walking lived up to his name.
Jack and Tosh run off to track down the shapeshifter, and have to announce they’re Torchwood to the wedding party.
On the upside, Gwen’s dad realizes she’s not insane. On the downside, Gwen’s dad realizes she’s not insane. Oh, and Jack and Tosh open fire in a room full of civilians who are in their line of fire several times. And the shapeshifter escapes anyway.
Brenda, doing what any other mother would do when a monster’s running around, has run off to find her son-to hell with Barry-and keep an eye on him. Unfortunately Jack mistakes her for the shapeshifter.
“Get back you ugly bitch!” Jack really should know better.
Luckily for Brenda, Gwen has a rare moment of intelligence and notes that Brenda’s wearing her usual perfume. Therefore, is not the shapeshifter.
Nobody really bats an eye when Rhys punches Jack for the “ugly bitch” comment.
Then Tosh wonders aloud who’s outside with Gwen’s mom, if this Brenda is the real Brenda.
Of course, they make a big production of surrounding fake!Brenda instead of quietly sending someone up to pull Gwen’s mother away under the pretense of needing to speak to her about something. Thus, fake!Brenda takes Mrs. Cooper hostage and demands Gwen in exchange.
We all know this scene. It tantalizes us with the possibility of a Gwen who could stand up and be badass enough to run Torchwood. She faces down the situation without any of her usual drama. No over the top acting from Eve. Just a calm few words telling Rhys and Jack to let her handle it, as she walks slowly forward. She’s comforting her mother the entire time, with no condescending ‘I know best’. For once, her compassion and empathy for the situation are real, not just for show.
Then, once the shapeshifter tosses her mother aside, she calmly unloads a clip into it torso.
Moral of the story, even Gwen can be badass if you threaten her mother.
If they could have had Gwen consistently like she was in this scene, I would probably be writing for the House of Cooper rather than the AGA.
But almost the very next scene she reminds me of why my allegiances are as they are.
While Owen coaches Rhys on the singularity scalpel, Gwen is approached by fake!Jack, who comes onto her. It’s kinda pathetic how out of character he’s acting, and she doesn’t notice. The way he talks, the inflections he uses, they aren’t Jack. But she goes on, daring Jack to confess his feelings for her.
“Rhys isn’t afraid to tell me he loves me.”
They lean in for the kiss…
And then Gwen notices the shifter has claws and headbutts it.
She flees with Rhys while Owen empties another clip of bullets into it. The shifter goes down but comes right back up. It promptly turns up it’s nose at Owen because he’s past his expiration date and runs off to find Gwen.
Ianto and Jack put together a sexy gun in a sexy scene while Gwen and Rhys hide in a barn. No more religious references please.
In a moment of clarity, thinking she’s about to die-since Rhys is wielding the singularity scalpel-she swears she really does love him. It’s sweet, but I wish she’d say it and mean it when she’s not facing her own mortality.
We hear a nasty squelching sound and are left to wonder if Rhys vaporized her bowels by mistake. But no, the evil monster baby is dead. Gwen lives.
Then the shifter breaks in, and for some reason switched back to Brenda offscreen. Rhys threatens it with a chainsaw.
“I had a gutful of you! You get my girlfriend pregnant, you impersonate my mum, and
you ruin my wedding day!”
It’s as ineffectual as a dapper shove against your closetcase rival for the affections of your best friend. Then Jack shows up and blows the damn thing to kingdom come.
Long story short, Gwen once again has to be reminded who she’s marrying, and then she actually marries Rhys. Even Brenda looks happy as they exchange vows.
Later, the entire party is retconned on Jack’s orders. Gwen turns down retcon for her and Rhys, claiming there will be no secrets in their marriage. Rhys doesn’t believe it, but just wants to get off on his honeymoon before Gwen manages to get pregnant by another alien.
On the brightside, Ianto got to dance with Jack. On the not so brightside, he had to break up a Gwack dance first. Then he has to haul all the wedding guests off to their rooms to avoid suspicion of drugging.
Yeah, this is that episode we love to hate, possibly because it shows us the two extremes they go to with Gwen’s character. Competent leader to a woman who can’t figure out what-more specifically who- she really wants. Well, there’s still fanfiction.