[B.A.P.] Constants and Variability (1/1)
Title: Constants and Variability
Fandom: B.A.P
Author: chiharu
Characters/pairing: Banghim
Rating: PG
Wordcount: ~4,200
Summary: An older, more attractive Himchan should be the least of Prince Yongguk's worries. thebrowniebunch gift fic for haneyon.
Written for haneyon for thebrowniebunch's first exchange round! She asked for princes!Banghim being stupid SO I'M SORRY FOR MAKING EVERYTHING SO COMPLICATED ;; Hope you like it!
When the court adviser mentions The Aurian Prince’s impending arrival at afternoon tea, Yongguk sets his cup down abruptly. The porcelain makes a terrible clanging noise on the saucer, and Yongguk internally cringes when his mother raises an eyebrow. Next to him, Jieun smiles into her tea cup in amusement.
“Yongnam is still out of the country, so I expect you to welcome our guests and show them around,” his mother says, nodding for the servants to bring in dessert. Her tone is pleasant but commanding-a trait Yongguk failed to inherit, unlike his brother.
“We know the Aurian Prince, remember?” Jieun asks, one hand on Yongguk’s arm.
Yongguk recalls Himchan and the summer they spent scouring through the Royal Archives, snapping out of his reverie only when his mother beckons for them to try the pastries.
It is Spring, and the weather is finally warm enough for Yongguk to practice his swordsmanship outdoors. Yongguk always associates April with Jieun's piano recitals, the Royal Academy, and an uncomfortable air of competition between Yongnam and himself. Sometimes, when his guard is down, Yongguk also thinks of Himchan.
During Yongguk's fifteenth summer, security around the palace increased drastically at the prospects of war. Yongguk recalls naval scrimmages, sunken merchant vessels, and the hardened lines on his father's face. Auria was their ally in name only, and a successful visit from the Aurian court could overturn the current stalemate at sea.
The King of the Auria was bigger than life. His son, however, was quiet and inquisitive. Himchan's round face often betrayed his demeanor of ease, especially when his mediocrity was slowly revealed to their group of privileged palace kids. Adolescence was cruel to the best of them.
The Himchan that Yongguk remembers is not the one who greets him at the harbor that week. "Bbang," Himchan says, his voice lower than Yongguk expected. Himchan's cheekbones are sharp, his expression more subdued. Everything about Himchan seems smaller, reminding Yongguk of Himchan's old habit of shrinking in embarrassment. "Your hair is still terrible, I see."
"Hi," Yongguk says, smiling on reflex. “It’s nice to to see you too.”
Himchan regards him a curious look before returning his smile.
Yongguk's favorite quality about Jieun has always been her kindness, but upon Jieun's reunion with Himchan, Yongguk is surprised to find a cautious air around her. Then Jieun curtsies and Himchan kisses her hand, and the mood suddenly lifts.
"You are lovelier than I remembered," Himchan says with a smile. "I daresay your piano playing has gotten more extraordinary too?"
Jieun laughs pleasantly. "I've heard of your talent at janggu. I, too, am anxious to hear you perform."
Himchan smiles oddly, like a secret exchange of sort between him and Jieun.
Himchan, like Jieun, has long fingers fit for an instrument performer. These were the nuanced details Jieun explained to Yongguk at the onset of their engagement. At age ten, Yongguk found Jieun more attractive than his brother's bride-to-be. Ever since then, Jieun had become a staple in his life like fencing lessons, his father's decaying health, and hunting trips in the fall.
Yongguk soon learns that Himchan's brother-in-law, the Aurian Chief of Peace, is the real reason behind this visit. The border conflict in the West has escalated since Yongnam left for the conference. According to Himchan, his brother-in-law would very much like to know about the King’s stance on the matter.
"It has little to do with me," Himchan explains as they stroll through the palace corridors. "My role, believe it or not, is to look pretty. I'm essentially here on vacation, and you are my glorified tour guide."
"What would you like to do, then?" Yongguk asks, for lack of a better reply.
Himchan grins. "I want to see Hyosung."
Himchan's first visit to the kingdom had lasted a month, during which he befriended General Jeon's daughter. Those were the years when Yongnam was irritable and brutal with words, sending his handmaid crying and Yongguk recoiling. While Yongnam's nature eventually mellowed into something fit for the First Prince, he left marks on more than one person, Himchan included.
Hyosung had been the first to find Himchan crouched in the study that summer, after a particular biting round of comments about his appearance. "Himchan is going to stick with me from now on," Hyosung had declared after dragging him to Yongguk.
To her distaste, Hyosung had been whisked off to dance and etiquette lessons for her upcoming debut, and Yongguk found himself taking her spot as Himchan's personal guide. Talking to Himchan became easier after they discovered a mutual love for literature and musical composition. They spent afternoons reading scrolls in the garden, knees pressed together under the tree as Yongguk dozed off. He often woke to Himchan asleep on his arm, Himchan's breathing even and warm on Yongguk's skin.
That was the summer before Yongguk began studying under the King's military advisers. Yongguk considers himself blessed to have been oblivious to the intentions of adults for so long.
Hyosung, as Yongguk expected, is pleasant with Himchan as they chat over dinner. After General Jeon died, Hyosung's marriage to Duke Cho had been the only thing securing her regular invitations to dinner at the palace. Hyosung, despite her easily excited temperament, is no longer the girl Yongguk grew up with. Yongguk sometimes wonders what happened to their group of misfit palace kids.
Yongguk comes back to the present when Hyosung laughs over a particular memory. Himchan too, is looking amused. But when Jieun puts one hand on Yongguk's shoulder, Himchan looks away.
"What do you think?" Yongguk asks after Hyosung is escorted to her carriage, taking Jieun with her. The Duke had given them a quick bow before climbing into the carriage with the girls.
"She's too good for him," Himchan says quietly.
Yongguk nods. "Maybe she is. A lot happened after you left."
Himchan looks at him. "But you haven't changed."
Yongguk pauses at the seriousness of Himchan's voice. "How so?" He blinks when Himchan's expression evolves into something lighter, and Himchan suddenly changes the topic to suggest they go for a walk.
Himchan's cryptic behavior is infuriating. It frustrates Yongguk even more than Himchan's new found attractiveness. Himchan, for all of his graceful posturing and elongated features, still maintains the same mannerisms Yongguk remembers from those humid summer days. Yongguk is no longer fifteen and confused, but the space between them is still ambiguous at best.
Yongguk has thought of Himchan in random intervals, between fencing lessons and afternoon tea, when his mother made a fuss over the Royal Physician's prescriptions and flowers began to bloom on the honey locust trees in the palace. He has played out the scenario countless times, none of which involved Himchan being like this, all sharp jaws and easy smiles.
Yongguk also doesn't expect Himchan to greet him like this, silk robe slipping halfway off his shoulders as he regards Yongguk, who stands baffled at the doorway of Himchan's sleeping chamber. "I'm changing," Himchan says, discarding the rest of his robe and putting on a tunic. He raises an eyebrow while tying a belt around his waist. "You're staring."
Himchan laughs when Yongguk quickly looks away. Regardless, the atmosphere between them gets lighter as they go from breakfast to a tour of the Inner City. Their escort of the day is the youngest guard to have graduated from the Royal Academy. Himchan seems to find comfort in teasing Choi Junhong, who simply bows in embarrassment while following them through the marketplace.
The Inner City is busy in the early mornings, forcing them to weave around food carts and vendors. It helps that their guard is fascinated with the commotion too, Yongguk stopping multiple times to beckon Junhong back to them.
They get free service and food from vendors who recognized Yongguk, Himchan laughing as he snatches the pancakes out of Yongguk's hand to give Junhong. Later, the tea house owner asks whether she'll be invited to Prince Yongguk's wedding, to which Yongguk laughs awkwardly.
"Jieun would make a beautiful bride," Himchan says quietly as they sip tea in the private room.
Yongguk thinks about the young music teacher from the Royal Academy who has dutifully attended all of Jieun's recitals. Jieun always excused herself to talk to him, and Yongguk never minded enough to interrupt their conversations. When they were young, Jieun had painstakingly tried to teach Yongguk to play the piano, only to huff in indignation when Yongguk strayed from classical compositions. "Jieun and I have grown into very different people," Yongguk says at last.
"I see." Himchan hums and reaches for the tea kettle, accidentally knocking over the extra mug. He blinks when Yongguk also reaches for it, their fingers brushing in Yongguk's attempt to set it upright again.
Yongguk expects Himchan to let go when Junhong pokes his head into the room, but when Himchan doesn't release his grip on the ceramic cup, neither does Yongguk.
"Tell me, Prince Yongguk." Himchan says, eyes sharp. "Why is it that your brother has been married for two years, but you have yet to set a date for your wedding? I hardly think your fiance is unfit to be a Crown Princess."
This is a topic Yongguk has discussed many times with Jieun behind closed doors. Jieun's family has long since fallen out of favor in the Kingdom, and sometimes Yongguk wonders who is using who. Bravery, Yongguk knows, is an irrational notion. He settles with, "marriage is not the end product, it's just the the beginning. There's no rush, is there?"
Himchan looks at him carefully. "How terribly cheesy."
Their conversation ends when a courier from the palace calls for them to return. The trip back is quiet save for Himchan's strange conversation with Junhong, who tries to dodge questions about his personal life with little success.
They're greeted at the gate by Sunhwa, back from her overseas trip in Yongnam's absence. Himchan is charmed by Sunhwa, who insists they join her for lunch. She answers questions about her parents' health, passes along gifts to the Queen, and discusses political conditions abroad with the King. Even Himchan's brother-in-law seems impressed with her.
"Where did Prince Yongguk take you?" Sunhwa asks during dessert. When Himchan recites the list shops, the Crown Princess tsks and calls Yongguk boring. "He didn't even take you by the lake."
"What are you referring to?" Himchan asks.
Sunhwa looks delighted to share her tale. "There is a lake by the Outer City Forest. Legend has it that whoever bathes in the center will have their wish granted. It's a lovely place I visited several times during my engagement."
"Sunhwa," the King cuts in. "I'm sure Prince Himchan has no interest in the fairytales of our land."
"On the other hand," Himchan replies, turning to look at Yongguk. "I love a good story."
Himchan falls ill that summer and is quarantined for three days. In his absence, Yongguk finishes reading a chess tactics guide and plays with the gayageum they discovered in the music room. Yongguk remembers the rainstorms that accompanied Himchan's period of absence, his thoughts often interrupted by the sound of rain overhead.
Himchan sneaks into Yongguk's sleeping quarters on the third night, face flushed and trousers coated with dew from the grass. "Bbang," he says, voice strange and breath smelling of herbal medicine. Even in the darkness, his lips are red and raw. "I had a dream."
Yongguk sits up from his bed, frowning. "What?"
"I dreamed of a boy who took on the form of a rabbit. It ran into the pond in the garden and glowed under the moonlight. Then... Then." He pauses to catch his breath, pushing damp bangs away from his forehead. "It melted into the water and everything glowed like the moon."
Yongguk wonders if Himchan is still feverish, but Himchan is already moving towards the door. Yongguk can only follow as they head towards the garden barefoot. Himchan moves as if he’s under a spell, his steps strange and unpredictable. When they arrive at said pond, Yongguk is not surprised to see Himchan take a step in. He does, however, swear when Himchan curls forward and collapses in the water. The pond is shallow at best, but Yongguk remembers Himchan's fever and someone mentioning the Aurian Prince can't swim.
Yongguk manages to drag Himchan out and shake him awake. "You're crazy," Yongguk says, tugging Himchan back to their sleeping quarters. There are other things he doesn’t say to Himchan: that Himchan must be crazy, that non-swimmers should not throw themselves into bodies of water, and that Yongguk never knows if Himchan feels as infuriatingly attracted to Yongguk too.
"I saw it with my own eyes," Himchan mumbles into Yongguk's shoulder. "A rabbit shape thing at the bottom of the water." His reply is so matter of fact that Yongguk wants to kiss the certainty off his face. Their noses are so close that Yongguk can smell the pond water on Himchan’s skin. Himchan, too, is looking at him with large and expectant eyes. Yongguk could really do it, he thinks, if he were more decisive, more-
They pull apart when servants find them soaked under the moonlight, and someone calls for the physician. In an attempt to keep Himchan talking, Yongguk whispers "Why did you follow it? The rabbit, I mean."
"I just wanted to lie at the bottom of the water with it," Himchan replies quietly. He looks up at Yongguk, hair wet but face solemn.
"You-" Yongguk says, but is interrupted by the arrival of the physician, who fusses over Himchan and escorts him away.
Himchan is better the next day, and they never discuss the incident again. Like everything important in his life, Yongguk lets the matter drop. Himchan sails away four days later, and Yongguk never tells anyone about the pond and the not-kiss.
"Where I come from, the weather is colder. Even during warmer seasons, the air is so dry that it's suffocating," Himchan says when Yongguk finds him by the familiar pond a day later. The hems of Himchan's trousers are rolled up as he dips his feet into the water. He had looked up wordlessly at Yongguk's arrival, scooting over to make room. "That's why I've always thought there was something magical about this kingdom."
Yongguk has spent all of his life within the palace walls and the safety of the Inner City. The layout of the palace is etched into his mind, the seasons all blending into one as he tries to match events in his childhood to the state of his favorite locust tree.
"I want to go there too," Yongguk says slowly. "A place where the air is dry and the world is different. I want to experience it too."
Himchan looks at him, leaning back just enough to lose his balance. He pauses when Yongguk catches him, setting one hand on Yongguk's arm. "Are you sure?"
Yongguk knows they are no longer talking about traveling. His hand settles on Himchan's wrist, thin and pale. "What happened to you?"
Himchan is quiet for a second. "I, too, wanted to be magical." This body of knowledge seems monumental yet vapid at the same time. Yongguk no longer understand Himchan, but Yongguk wants to know Himchan again. Sometimes, Yongguk simply wants.
There are moments when Yongguk seriously contemplates kissing Himchan. In the garden as they napped with scrolls scattered around them. Under the moonlight with Himchan mumbling nonsense. And here, when their only companions are the birds and the humidity.
Himchan seems to understand him, but the moment officially ends when Jieun calls for them at the end of the open corridor. The spell is lifted when Yongguk lets go of Himchan's wrist.
Jieun doesn't say anything as they head to afternoon tea. The air is thick and heavy until Himchan excuses himself to the washroom. Jieun is not explosive by nature, but Yongguk knows she has seen enough. "How long will we keep playing this game?" She asks, coming to a stop.
Yongguk thinks about Jieun's dedication to her art, her family's financial troubles, and early childhood days when Jieun was his only friend. "For as long as you need me to," he replies.
"I don't need you, per say," Jieun replies, eyes soft. "But I would like to have you in my life. You know that."
"I do," Yongguk says.
"I don't need to be a princess," Jieun continues. "I just want to live with Youngjae and play the piano. We’re capable of earning enough to live comfortably, and you're not as tongue-tied as you used to be."
Yongguk understand what she's getting at. He’s been contemplating it for years. It's time to stop living in suspended belief that they can be happy together.
Himchan sends word with a servant that he's tired and can no longer join them for afternoon tea. Whatever confrontation Yongguk had planned is also dashed when the King and Himchan's brother-in-law join them unexpectedly.
"I do believe we've overstayed our welcome," the Aurian Chief of Peace says. "I have some matters to tend to back home, so I hope you don't mind that I've arranged for a ship to take us back in two days."
Two days is the length of time it takes to reach Auria by sea. It’s also the amount of time it took Yongguk to beat Yongnam at chess, to get a perfunctory grasp on any musical instrument, and to draft letters with his official letterhead. These things seem so insignificant compared to what Yongguk should be doing.
These are the things Yongguk has never told anyone:
At age eight, he switches places with Yongnam to help his brother sneak out of the palace. They exchange clothes and sleeping quarters while Yongnam pretends to be sick. Yongguk goes to dinner, answers to his brother’s name, and eats Yongnam’s favorite dessert. It takes four hours and an alarmed servant for the Queen to realize that Yongguk is not his brother.
Hana is not just the Royal Dress Fitter’s apprentice. He is Duke Cho’s mistress.
Yongguk hadn’t been sure if he liked Himchan back then. He is sure of that now and equally convinced of Himchan’s reciprocating affection. The worse part about this setup is their refusal to act on it. Yongguk isn’t out to shame the monarchy or to ruin his own life, but he doesn’t want Himchan to sail away again just because Yongguk can’t verbalize his own desires. Yongguk doesn’t want to give up, and he doesn’t want Himchan to either.
Himchan, however, is nowhere to be found the day after. His belongings lie untouched in his sleeping quarters. Yongguk cannot fathom Himchan's disappearing act, but as Yongguk watches Sunhwa placating Himchan's brother-in-law, he gets an idea.
The Outer Forest lies between the boundaries of the Inner and Outer City. While anyone can locate it on a map of the kingdom, it is surprisingly hard to navigate to the central lake. Yongguk has spent enough time hunting in the forest to know how easy it is to get lost among endless rows of elm trees.
Yongguk had learned to keep his mouth shut at a young age, but these days he wishes he had been more vocal. He never tells anyone, much less Himchan, that he also has dreams about a rabbit. It's recurring theme he’s been revisiting since Himchan left seven years ago. Most of the time, the rabbit vanishes into the air. Recently, his dreams have taken on another element of fantasy, and the rabbit reemerges as Himchan.
Yongguk notices footprints nearby and has a sinking suspicion that Himchan successfully located the lake. He takes a shortcut and arrives in time to spot Himchan chest deep in the water, walking further into the lake in an eerie reenactment of the pond incident.
"Himchan!" Yongguk calls, causing Himchan to turn around and lose his footing, sinking into the water with a yelp.
It takes Yongguk a considerable amount of time to pull Himchan out of the water. Himchan rolls onto his side in a coughing fit at the basin while Yongguk catches his breath. "Are you crazy?" Yongguk growls. "There is nothing magical about drowning. Learn how to swim!"
Himchan stares at him, eyes wide, before bursting into choked laughter.
"What's wrong with you?" Yongguk demands, holding Himchan's head up with one hand and squeezing water out of his own clothes with the other. "Did you seriously want to lie at the bottom and die?"
"No," Himchan says, sitting up and pushing Yongguk away. "I just wanted to make a wish."
"It's a fairy tale," Youngguk hisses, his lungs burning and his knees digging uncomfortably against the pebbles. "It's not real. Do you know how many people die every year, trying to reach the center?"
Himchan's eyes are glossy before he closes them, breathing deeply. "I wanted it to be real. I wanted-I've always wanted-I-" He gasps when Yongguk kisses him, relaxing into Yongguk's hold and swinging his arms around Yongguk's neck. They're still drenched in water as Himchan leans in, setting one hand on Yongguk's shoulder as he sucks on Yongguk's bottom lip, making a humming sound. Yongguk can feel Himchan exhaling deeply, like an insurmountable weight has been lifted.
“Yes,” Yongguk replies when they pull away. “Yes, you can have that. You can have me.”
Himchan looks dazed.
“If you still want me,” Yongguk continues. It’s hard to pick up something a second time around, and there’s no guarantee that this will even work. Yongguk remembers that it took them seven years just to get to this point. “Where do we go from here?”
Himchan stares at him, grabbing at Yongguk’s shoulder and pulling him closer. He too, seems to be fighting an internal battle. “This is not the end, remember? It’s just the beginning.”
“And you said I was cheesy,” Yongguk laughs into Himchan’s neck, tightening his grip on Himchan’s waist. They collapse against the sandbed until Yongguk rolls over, trying to catch his breath again.
“What about Jieun?” Himchan asks, sitting up and gazing down. He looks conflicted and guilty.
Yongguk reaches up to touch Himchan’s face. The sun casts a glow over Himchan, like Yongguk has finally found what he’s been looking for. “I don’t think my mother ever expected us to get married. Nothing really works out the way she expects, especially not with Yongnam traveling so much. Diplomacy isn’t his forte, so I’ll probably take over for him after he returns.”
Himchan covers Yongguk’s hand with his own. He closes his eyes and breathes in. Auria is 400 leagues and an ocean away. There’s the matter of status and distance. Even diplomatic trips can only bring them so close. But Yongguk’s heart sailed off with Himchan seven years ago, and since then he’s been fighting a losing battle. Losing, he thinks as Himchan smiles down at him, doesn’t feel so bad.
Auria is dry in the winter, the air accompanied by a bone-deep coldness that seeps into Yongguk’s heart. He battles the cold by putting on more layers of clothing, holding meetings indoors, and moving near the vicinity of the fireplace in his chamber.
“You look terrible,” Himchan says, casually laying across the daybed as he throws more wood into the fire. When Yongguk doesn’t reply, deep in concentration as he reads a set of scrolls behind the reading desk, Himchan groans and rolls over. He cranes his neck and puts in the minimal effort needed to see over Yongguk’s shoulder.
“Please stop,” Yongguk says.
Himchan responds by draping himself across Yongguk’s lap.
“Daehyun is coming with the food soon,” Yongguk says, frowning. “What will he think if he finds us in such a compromising position?”
“Please.” Himchan smirks. “My royal food taster doesn’t care, and neither does Junhong. Stop blaming your shyness on them.”
Junhong, standing on duty at the door, chuckles at them before going back to the complex marble game Himchan’s sister had given him. If he’s fazed by Himchan’s blatant display of affection, Junhong doesn’t show it.
Regardless, Himchan gets up and leaves Yongguk to his own devices, taking another seat and grabbing for some easy reading.
Auria is unbelievably cold in the winter, but Yongguk already has his sights set on Spring back home. He can see it in his head: Jieun baking her signature pie as she talks about wedding plans, Sunhwa terrorizing the entire palace as she eats for two, and Himchan performing the jjangu for Yongguk’s court. Yongguk’s mother will complain about the oversteeped tea while they enjoy the afternoons aimlessly.
But for now, he has Himchan, who tries to be biting but is surprisingly accommodating. Even if the seasons continue to change, Yongguk thinks Himchan will continue to be a constant in his life.
A/N: ty parametre for beta-ing, meow!jj for your enthusiasm, and loudestoflove for her encouragement ;; This fic was not supposed to be so nostalgic and strangely sad, but I hope you like it Jo!!!
Fandom: B.A.P
Author: chiharu
Characters/pairing: Banghim
Rating: PG
Wordcount: ~4,200
Summary: An older, more attractive Himchan should be the least of Prince Yongguk's worries. thebrowniebunch gift fic for haneyon.
Written for haneyon for thebrowniebunch's first exchange round! She asked for princes!Banghim being stupid SO I'M SORRY FOR MAKING EVERYTHING SO COMPLICATED ;; Hope you like it!
When the court adviser mentions The Aurian Prince’s impending arrival at afternoon tea, Yongguk sets his cup down abruptly. The porcelain makes a terrible clanging noise on the saucer, and Yongguk internally cringes when his mother raises an eyebrow. Next to him, Jieun smiles into her tea cup in amusement.
“Yongnam is still out of the country, so I expect you to welcome our guests and show them around,” his mother says, nodding for the servants to bring in dessert. Her tone is pleasant but commanding-a trait Yongguk failed to inherit, unlike his brother.
“We know the Aurian Prince, remember?” Jieun asks, one hand on Yongguk’s arm.
Yongguk recalls Himchan and the summer they spent scouring through the Royal Archives, snapping out of his reverie only when his mother beckons for them to try the pastries.
It is Spring, and the weather is finally warm enough for Yongguk to practice his swordsmanship outdoors. Yongguk always associates April with Jieun's piano recitals, the Royal Academy, and an uncomfortable air of competition between Yongnam and himself. Sometimes, when his guard is down, Yongguk also thinks of Himchan.
During Yongguk's fifteenth summer, security around the palace increased drastically at the prospects of war. Yongguk recalls naval scrimmages, sunken merchant vessels, and the hardened lines on his father's face. Auria was their ally in name only, and a successful visit from the Aurian court could overturn the current stalemate at sea.
The King of the Auria was bigger than life. His son, however, was quiet and inquisitive. Himchan's round face often betrayed his demeanor of ease, especially when his mediocrity was slowly revealed to their group of privileged palace kids. Adolescence was cruel to the best of them.
The Himchan that Yongguk remembers is not the one who greets him at the harbor that week. "Bbang," Himchan says, his voice lower than Yongguk expected. Himchan's cheekbones are sharp, his expression more subdued. Everything about Himchan seems smaller, reminding Yongguk of Himchan's old habit of shrinking in embarrassment. "Your hair is still terrible, I see."
"Hi," Yongguk says, smiling on reflex. “It’s nice to to see you too.”
Himchan regards him a curious look before returning his smile.
Yongguk's favorite quality about Jieun has always been her kindness, but upon Jieun's reunion with Himchan, Yongguk is surprised to find a cautious air around her. Then Jieun curtsies and Himchan kisses her hand, and the mood suddenly lifts.
"You are lovelier than I remembered," Himchan says with a smile. "I daresay your piano playing has gotten more extraordinary too?"
Jieun laughs pleasantly. "I've heard of your talent at janggu. I, too, am anxious to hear you perform."
Himchan smiles oddly, like a secret exchange of sort between him and Jieun.
Himchan, like Jieun, has long fingers fit for an instrument performer. These were the nuanced details Jieun explained to Yongguk at the onset of their engagement. At age ten, Yongguk found Jieun more attractive than his brother's bride-to-be. Ever since then, Jieun had become a staple in his life like fencing lessons, his father's decaying health, and hunting trips in the fall.
Yongguk soon learns that Himchan's brother-in-law, the Aurian Chief of Peace, is the real reason behind this visit. The border conflict in the West has escalated since Yongnam left for the conference. According to Himchan, his brother-in-law would very much like to know about the King’s stance on the matter.
"It has little to do with me," Himchan explains as they stroll through the palace corridors. "My role, believe it or not, is to look pretty. I'm essentially here on vacation, and you are my glorified tour guide."
"What would you like to do, then?" Yongguk asks, for lack of a better reply.
Himchan grins. "I want to see Hyosung."
Himchan's first visit to the kingdom had lasted a month, during which he befriended General Jeon's daughter. Those were the years when Yongnam was irritable and brutal with words, sending his handmaid crying and Yongguk recoiling. While Yongnam's nature eventually mellowed into something fit for the First Prince, he left marks on more than one person, Himchan included.
Hyosung had been the first to find Himchan crouched in the study that summer, after a particular biting round of comments about his appearance. "Himchan is going to stick with me from now on," Hyosung had declared after dragging him to Yongguk.
To her distaste, Hyosung had been whisked off to dance and etiquette lessons for her upcoming debut, and Yongguk found himself taking her spot as Himchan's personal guide. Talking to Himchan became easier after they discovered a mutual love for literature and musical composition. They spent afternoons reading scrolls in the garden, knees pressed together under the tree as Yongguk dozed off. He often woke to Himchan asleep on his arm, Himchan's breathing even and warm on Yongguk's skin.
That was the summer before Yongguk began studying under the King's military advisers. Yongguk considers himself blessed to have been oblivious to the intentions of adults for so long.
Hyosung, as Yongguk expected, is pleasant with Himchan as they chat over dinner. After General Jeon died, Hyosung's marriage to Duke Cho had been the only thing securing her regular invitations to dinner at the palace. Hyosung, despite her easily excited temperament, is no longer the girl Yongguk grew up with. Yongguk sometimes wonders what happened to their group of misfit palace kids.
Yongguk comes back to the present when Hyosung laughs over a particular memory. Himchan too, is looking amused. But when Jieun puts one hand on Yongguk's shoulder, Himchan looks away.
"What do you think?" Yongguk asks after Hyosung is escorted to her carriage, taking Jieun with her. The Duke had given them a quick bow before climbing into the carriage with the girls.
"She's too good for him," Himchan says quietly.
Yongguk nods. "Maybe she is. A lot happened after you left."
Himchan looks at him. "But you haven't changed."
Yongguk pauses at the seriousness of Himchan's voice. "How so?" He blinks when Himchan's expression evolves into something lighter, and Himchan suddenly changes the topic to suggest they go for a walk.
Himchan's cryptic behavior is infuriating. It frustrates Yongguk even more than Himchan's new found attractiveness. Himchan, for all of his graceful posturing and elongated features, still maintains the same mannerisms Yongguk remembers from those humid summer days. Yongguk is no longer fifteen and confused, but the space between them is still ambiguous at best.
Yongguk has thought of Himchan in random intervals, between fencing lessons and afternoon tea, when his mother made a fuss over the Royal Physician's prescriptions and flowers began to bloom on the honey locust trees in the palace. He has played out the scenario countless times, none of which involved Himchan being like this, all sharp jaws and easy smiles.
Yongguk also doesn't expect Himchan to greet him like this, silk robe slipping halfway off his shoulders as he regards Yongguk, who stands baffled at the doorway of Himchan's sleeping chamber. "I'm changing," Himchan says, discarding the rest of his robe and putting on a tunic. He raises an eyebrow while tying a belt around his waist. "You're staring."
Himchan laughs when Yongguk quickly looks away. Regardless, the atmosphere between them gets lighter as they go from breakfast to a tour of the Inner City. Their escort of the day is the youngest guard to have graduated from the Royal Academy. Himchan seems to find comfort in teasing Choi Junhong, who simply bows in embarrassment while following them through the marketplace.
The Inner City is busy in the early mornings, forcing them to weave around food carts and vendors. It helps that their guard is fascinated with the commotion too, Yongguk stopping multiple times to beckon Junhong back to them.
They get free service and food from vendors who recognized Yongguk, Himchan laughing as he snatches the pancakes out of Yongguk's hand to give Junhong. Later, the tea house owner asks whether she'll be invited to Prince Yongguk's wedding, to which Yongguk laughs awkwardly.
"Jieun would make a beautiful bride," Himchan says quietly as they sip tea in the private room.
Yongguk thinks about the young music teacher from the Royal Academy who has dutifully attended all of Jieun's recitals. Jieun always excused herself to talk to him, and Yongguk never minded enough to interrupt their conversations. When they were young, Jieun had painstakingly tried to teach Yongguk to play the piano, only to huff in indignation when Yongguk strayed from classical compositions. "Jieun and I have grown into very different people," Yongguk says at last.
"I see." Himchan hums and reaches for the tea kettle, accidentally knocking over the extra mug. He blinks when Yongguk also reaches for it, their fingers brushing in Yongguk's attempt to set it upright again.
Yongguk expects Himchan to let go when Junhong pokes his head into the room, but when Himchan doesn't release his grip on the ceramic cup, neither does Yongguk.
"Tell me, Prince Yongguk." Himchan says, eyes sharp. "Why is it that your brother has been married for two years, but you have yet to set a date for your wedding? I hardly think your fiance is unfit to be a Crown Princess."
This is a topic Yongguk has discussed many times with Jieun behind closed doors. Jieun's family has long since fallen out of favor in the Kingdom, and sometimes Yongguk wonders who is using who. Bravery, Yongguk knows, is an irrational notion. He settles with, "marriage is not the end product, it's just the the beginning. There's no rush, is there?"
Himchan looks at him carefully. "How terribly cheesy."
Their conversation ends when a courier from the palace calls for them to return. The trip back is quiet save for Himchan's strange conversation with Junhong, who tries to dodge questions about his personal life with little success.
They're greeted at the gate by Sunhwa, back from her overseas trip in Yongnam's absence. Himchan is charmed by Sunhwa, who insists they join her for lunch. She answers questions about her parents' health, passes along gifts to the Queen, and discusses political conditions abroad with the King. Even Himchan's brother-in-law seems impressed with her.
"Where did Prince Yongguk take you?" Sunhwa asks during dessert. When Himchan recites the list shops, the Crown Princess tsks and calls Yongguk boring. "He didn't even take you by the lake."
"What are you referring to?" Himchan asks.
Sunhwa looks delighted to share her tale. "There is a lake by the Outer City Forest. Legend has it that whoever bathes in the center will have their wish granted. It's a lovely place I visited several times during my engagement."
"Sunhwa," the King cuts in. "I'm sure Prince Himchan has no interest in the fairytales of our land."
"On the other hand," Himchan replies, turning to look at Yongguk. "I love a good story."
Himchan falls ill that summer and is quarantined for three days. In his absence, Yongguk finishes reading a chess tactics guide and plays with the gayageum they discovered in the music room. Yongguk remembers the rainstorms that accompanied Himchan's period of absence, his thoughts often interrupted by the sound of rain overhead.
Himchan sneaks into Yongguk's sleeping quarters on the third night, face flushed and trousers coated with dew from the grass. "Bbang," he says, voice strange and breath smelling of herbal medicine. Even in the darkness, his lips are red and raw. "I had a dream."
Yongguk sits up from his bed, frowning. "What?"
"I dreamed of a boy who took on the form of a rabbit. It ran into the pond in the garden and glowed under the moonlight. Then... Then." He pauses to catch his breath, pushing damp bangs away from his forehead. "It melted into the water and everything glowed like the moon."
Yongguk wonders if Himchan is still feverish, but Himchan is already moving towards the door. Yongguk can only follow as they head towards the garden barefoot. Himchan moves as if he’s under a spell, his steps strange and unpredictable. When they arrive at said pond, Yongguk is not surprised to see Himchan take a step in. He does, however, swear when Himchan curls forward and collapses in the water. The pond is shallow at best, but Yongguk remembers Himchan's fever and someone mentioning the Aurian Prince can't swim.
Yongguk manages to drag Himchan out and shake him awake. "You're crazy," Yongguk says, tugging Himchan back to their sleeping quarters. There are other things he doesn’t say to Himchan: that Himchan must be crazy, that non-swimmers should not throw themselves into bodies of water, and that Yongguk never knows if Himchan feels as infuriatingly attracted to Yongguk too.
"I saw it with my own eyes," Himchan mumbles into Yongguk's shoulder. "A rabbit shape thing at the bottom of the water." His reply is so matter of fact that Yongguk wants to kiss the certainty off his face. Their noses are so close that Yongguk can smell the pond water on Himchan’s skin. Himchan, too, is looking at him with large and expectant eyes. Yongguk could really do it, he thinks, if he were more decisive, more-
They pull apart when servants find them soaked under the moonlight, and someone calls for the physician. In an attempt to keep Himchan talking, Yongguk whispers "Why did you follow it? The rabbit, I mean."
"I just wanted to lie at the bottom of the water with it," Himchan replies quietly. He looks up at Yongguk, hair wet but face solemn.
"You-" Yongguk says, but is interrupted by the arrival of the physician, who fusses over Himchan and escorts him away.
Himchan is better the next day, and they never discuss the incident again. Like everything important in his life, Yongguk lets the matter drop. Himchan sails away four days later, and Yongguk never tells anyone about the pond and the not-kiss.
"Where I come from, the weather is colder. Even during warmer seasons, the air is so dry that it's suffocating," Himchan says when Yongguk finds him by the familiar pond a day later. The hems of Himchan's trousers are rolled up as he dips his feet into the water. He had looked up wordlessly at Yongguk's arrival, scooting over to make room. "That's why I've always thought there was something magical about this kingdom."
Yongguk has spent all of his life within the palace walls and the safety of the Inner City. The layout of the palace is etched into his mind, the seasons all blending into one as he tries to match events in his childhood to the state of his favorite locust tree.
"I want to go there too," Yongguk says slowly. "A place where the air is dry and the world is different. I want to experience it too."
Himchan looks at him, leaning back just enough to lose his balance. He pauses when Yongguk catches him, setting one hand on Yongguk's arm. "Are you sure?"
Yongguk knows they are no longer talking about traveling. His hand settles on Himchan's wrist, thin and pale. "What happened to you?"
Himchan is quiet for a second. "I, too, wanted to be magical." This body of knowledge seems monumental yet vapid at the same time. Yongguk no longer understand Himchan, but Yongguk wants to know Himchan again. Sometimes, Yongguk simply wants.
There are moments when Yongguk seriously contemplates kissing Himchan. In the garden as they napped with scrolls scattered around them. Under the moonlight with Himchan mumbling nonsense. And here, when their only companions are the birds and the humidity.
Himchan seems to understand him, but the moment officially ends when Jieun calls for them at the end of the open corridor. The spell is lifted when Yongguk lets go of Himchan's wrist.
Jieun doesn't say anything as they head to afternoon tea. The air is thick and heavy until Himchan excuses himself to the washroom. Jieun is not explosive by nature, but Yongguk knows she has seen enough. "How long will we keep playing this game?" She asks, coming to a stop.
Yongguk thinks about Jieun's dedication to her art, her family's financial troubles, and early childhood days when Jieun was his only friend. "For as long as you need me to," he replies.
"I don't need you, per say," Jieun replies, eyes soft. "But I would like to have you in my life. You know that."
"I do," Yongguk says.
"I don't need to be a princess," Jieun continues. "I just want to live with Youngjae and play the piano. We’re capable of earning enough to live comfortably, and you're not as tongue-tied as you used to be."
Yongguk understand what she's getting at. He’s been contemplating it for years. It's time to stop living in suspended belief that they can be happy together.
Himchan sends word with a servant that he's tired and can no longer join them for afternoon tea. Whatever confrontation Yongguk had planned is also dashed when the King and Himchan's brother-in-law join them unexpectedly.
"I do believe we've overstayed our welcome," the Aurian Chief of Peace says. "I have some matters to tend to back home, so I hope you don't mind that I've arranged for a ship to take us back in two days."
Two days is the length of time it takes to reach Auria by sea. It’s also the amount of time it took Yongguk to beat Yongnam at chess, to get a perfunctory grasp on any musical instrument, and to draft letters with his official letterhead. These things seem so insignificant compared to what Yongguk should be doing.
These are the things Yongguk has never told anyone:
At age eight, he switches places with Yongnam to help his brother sneak out of the palace. They exchange clothes and sleeping quarters while Yongnam pretends to be sick. Yongguk goes to dinner, answers to his brother’s name, and eats Yongnam’s favorite dessert. It takes four hours and an alarmed servant for the Queen to realize that Yongguk is not his brother.
Hana is not just the Royal Dress Fitter’s apprentice. He is Duke Cho’s mistress.
Yongguk hadn’t been sure if he liked Himchan back then. He is sure of that now and equally convinced of Himchan’s reciprocating affection. The worse part about this setup is their refusal to act on it. Yongguk isn’t out to shame the monarchy or to ruin his own life, but he doesn’t want Himchan to sail away again just because Yongguk can’t verbalize his own desires. Yongguk doesn’t want to give up, and he doesn’t want Himchan to either.
Himchan, however, is nowhere to be found the day after. His belongings lie untouched in his sleeping quarters. Yongguk cannot fathom Himchan's disappearing act, but as Yongguk watches Sunhwa placating Himchan's brother-in-law, he gets an idea.
The Outer Forest lies between the boundaries of the Inner and Outer City. While anyone can locate it on a map of the kingdom, it is surprisingly hard to navigate to the central lake. Yongguk has spent enough time hunting in the forest to know how easy it is to get lost among endless rows of elm trees.
Yongguk had learned to keep his mouth shut at a young age, but these days he wishes he had been more vocal. He never tells anyone, much less Himchan, that he also has dreams about a rabbit. It's recurring theme he’s been revisiting since Himchan left seven years ago. Most of the time, the rabbit vanishes into the air. Recently, his dreams have taken on another element of fantasy, and the rabbit reemerges as Himchan.
Yongguk notices footprints nearby and has a sinking suspicion that Himchan successfully located the lake. He takes a shortcut and arrives in time to spot Himchan chest deep in the water, walking further into the lake in an eerie reenactment of the pond incident.
"Himchan!" Yongguk calls, causing Himchan to turn around and lose his footing, sinking into the water with a yelp.
It takes Yongguk a considerable amount of time to pull Himchan out of the water. Himchan rolls onto his side in a coughing fit at the basin while Yongguk catches his breath. "Are you crazy?" Yongguk growls. "There is nothing magical about drowning. Learn how to swim!"
Himchan stares at him, eyes wide, before bursting into choked laughter.
"What's wrong with you?" Yongguk demands, holding Himchan's head up with one hand and squeezing water out of his own clothes with the other. "Did you seriously want to lie at the bottom and die?"
"No," Himchan says, sitting up and pushing Yongguk away. "I just wanted to make a wish."
"It's a fairy tale," Youngguk hisses, his lungs burning and his knees digging uncomfortably against the pebbles. "It's not real. Do you know how many people die every year, trying to reach the center?"
Himchan's eyes are glossy before he closes them, breathing deeply. "I wanted it to be real. I wanted-I've always wanted-I-" He gasps when Yongguk kisses him, relaxing into Yongguk's hold and swinging his arms around Yongguk's neck. They're still drenched in water as Himchan leans in, setting one hand on Yongguk's shoulder as he sucks on Yongguk's bottom lip, making a humming sound. Yongguk can feel Himchan exhaling deeply, like an insurmountable weight has been lifted.
“Yes,” Yongguk replies when they pull away. “Yes, you can have that. You can have me.”
Himchan looks dazed.
“If you still want me,” Yongguk continues. It’s hard to pick up something a second time around, and there’s no guarantee that this will even work. Yongguk remembers that it took them seven years just to get to this point. “Where do we go from here?”
Himchan stares at him, grabbing at Yongguk’s shoulder and pulling him closer. He too, seems to be fighting an internal battle. “This is not the end, remember? It’s just the beginning.”
“And you said I was cheesy,” Yongguk laughs into Himchan’s neck, tightening his grip on Himchan’s waist. They collapse against the sandbed until Yongguk rolls over, trying to catch his breath again.
“What about Jieun?” Himchan asks, sitting up and gazing down. He looks conflicted and guilty.
Yongguk reaches up to touch Himchan’s face. The sun casts a glow over Himchan, like Yongguk has finally found what he’s been looking for. “I don’t think my mother ever expected us to get married. Nothing really works out the way she expects, especially not with Yongnam traveling so much. Diplomacy isn’t his forte, so I’ll probably take over for him after he returns.”
Himchan covers Yongguk’s hand with his own. He closes his eyes and breathes in. Auria is 400 leagues and an ocean away. There’s the matter of status and distance. Even diplomatic trips can only bring them so close. But Yongguk’s heart sailed off with Himchan seven years ago, and since then he’s been fighting a losing battle. Losing, he thinks as Himchan smiles down at him, doesn’t feel so bad.
Auria is dry in the winter, the air accompanied by a bone-deep coldness that seeps into Yongguk’s heart. He battles the cold by putting on more layers of clothing, holding meetings indoors, and moving near the vicinity of the fireplace in his chamber.
“You look terrible,” Himchan says, casually laying across the daybed as he throws more wood into the fire. When Yongguk doesn’t reply, deep in concentration as he reads a set of scrolls behind the reading desk, Himchan groans and rolls over. He cranes his neck and puts in the minimal effort needed to see over Yongguk’s shoulder.
“Please stop,” Yongguk says.
Himchan responds by draping himself across Yongguk’s lap.
“Daehyun is coming with the food soon,” Yongguk says, frowning. “What will he think if he finds us in such a compromising position?”
“Please.” Himchan smirks. “My royal food taster doesn’t care, and neither does Junhong. Stop blaming your shyness on them.”
Junhong, standing on duty at the door, chuckles at them before going back to the complex marble game Himchan’s sister had given him. If he’s fazed by Himchan’s blatant display of affection, Junhong doesn’t show it.
Regardless, Himchan gets up and leaves Yongguk to his own devices, taking another seat and grabbing for some easy reading.
Auria is unbelievably cold in the winter, but Yongguk already has his sights set on Spring back home. He can see it in his head: Jieun baking her signature pie as she talks about wedding plans, Sunhwa terrorizing the entire palace as she eats for two, and Himchan performing the jjangu for Yongguk’s court. Yongguk’s mother will complain about the oversteeped tea while they enjoy the afternoons aimlessly.
But for now, he has Himchan, who tries to be biting but is surprisingly accommodating. Even if the seasons continue to change, Yongguk thinks Himchan will continue to be a constant in his life.
A/N: ty parametre for beta-ing, meow!jj for your enthusiasm, and loudestoflove for her encouragement ;; This fic was not supposed to be so nostalgic and strangely sad, but I hope you like it Jo!!!