(no subject)
I wish so often that I was different than I am. I meet people, and if I find their company to be enjoyable (even if I was only around them for a few minutes), I want them to think of me the same way I think of them. If it's someone I know better, and I think about them constantly, and mention them constantly, then I want them to do the same. But that never (if hardly ever) happens, and it upsets me terribly, because then I hear them mention someone else that they think is absolutely wonderful and terrific, without the slightest mention of me, and I think "They're not as infatuated with me as I am with them! What have I done wrong? What can I do to make this change?" And then I try to talk to them and get them to reveal themselves to me, because people like others who listen to them, but then I eventually start dominating the conversation so only I am speaking (about myself/my experiences) with a few words edgewise by my companion, or I monopolize the dialogue to get the answers and emotions I want from my partner.
That's not what you're supposed to do with people you meet, is it? I really need to learn how to stop interrupting people, and listen to them for once, and realize that people's stories are indeed as engaging as my own. I plan on introducing myself to The Boy on Tuesday or Wednesday, and if I actually have enough time to speak with him to have a real conversation, then I must listen. Because first impressions are last impressions, so if I dominate this conversation I will have with him, then he'll remember me as "that conceited girl who never shut up", won't he? I'm afraid his opinion of me (if he even has one!) is just the general "wow, what an annoying freshman", and if I give him a bad first impression of myself, it'll just make his opinion of me worse -- and he definitely won't want to get to know me as I want to get to know him. And I want... so badly... for him to want to know me. Even if just a small friendship blooms from this, I want him to want it as much as I do. I want him to want the friendship to grow -- not even past the platonic stage, but just... so we could talk on the phone and hug in the hallway and be able to hang out together and create mutual friends...
I think, just knowing his name and having him learn and memorize mine, and be able to have a short 1-minute conversation in the hallways or afer gym, or sitting with him for a while during lunch, would satisfy me. Of course, if I enjoy his company immensely, I would want so badly for him to be more than a friend, because it would grow from the tiny seedlings of feelings I have for him now, but just being his friend would be enough. It would be more than "admiring" him from afar, certainly, and I would be happy. I would have to be.
I want to do an RP with exotic boys with dark skin like cooked chestnuts, and long swan-like necks with round oval shaped faces and almond-shaped eyes.
And long, dark, honey-colored legs with sinewy tendons like the roots of trees pulling at the earth. Golden and primal-colored bangles jingling at willowy wrists and ankles and piled high on necks like accordians. Long black hair held high by tribal ornaments of distinguished status, or let loose to flow freely or held back by a single thong of leather or hide.
The Sahara Desert in Africa.
The tiny villages deep in the rainforests of Brazil. People like monkeys within the trees of those forests; people like fish near the Amazon.
* * *
...Or a village in Asia.
Rice paddies and people in kimonos and muddy ankles with flat sandals.
And those flat, symmetrical, pretty Asian faces with their diamond-esque eyes that smolder brownish-black in the sun, and skin that reflects the light in a million shades of tan to peach to brown and gold.
I'm not meaning to be egotistic, but aren't those little rambles / spills of inspiration and creativity gorgeous? It was rather odd sharing them with someone I see everyday in real life, but no big deal, I suppose...
I'm only allowed on the computer for 60 minutes on the weekdays, because of my grades. *sighs* I need to get an RP journal, or make a simple little board, so I could post everyday, and receive posts everyday, and at least then I could be satisfied with my lack-of-creativity days...
Writing a story about a (homosexual) vampire -- too much Anne Rice & Edmund White -- whose creator is dying. Through out the story, he has to deal with the loss of his mentor, and find his own way of guiding the directions his life takes him. During this time, he wanders, and finds a "very beautiful, very lively, very gorgeous young woman who reminds me in so many different aspects of [insert creators' name here]". He befriends this mortal girl, and then realizes that he has fallen in love with her, but is afraid that expressing it to her will frighten her, as he is a vampire and she is still struggling to take in both the good and bad sides of him and his personality. His lack of ability to convey his emotion creates a kind of odd mental state, and he has slightly dark thoughts about "rape" (in a vampire sense: stealing her blood without her consent) and odd ways of desecration. And by odd, I don't mean morbid or perverted (in the "eww, pedophile!" way). I mean... neurotic...
So, he must then deal with his (obviously "unhealable") wound of losing his creator, his inexplicable and growing love for the girl, and the temptations of forcing her to be with him forever...
Yeah...
Did that make sense? It made sense to me.
Comment on the post below this one also. <3
That's not what you're supposed to do with people you meet, is it? I really need to learn how to stop interrupting people, and listen to them for once, and realize that people's stories are indeed as engaging as my own. I plan on introducing myself to The Boy on Tuesday or Wednesday, and if I actually have enough time to speak with him to have a real conversation, then I must listen. Because first impressions are last impressions, so if I dominate this conversation I will have with him, then he'll remember me as "that conceited girl who never shut up", won't he? I'm afraid his opinion of me (if he even has one!) is just the general "wow, what an annoying freshman", and if I give him a bad first impression of myself, it'll just make his opinion of me worse -- and he definitely won't want to get to know me as I want to get to know him. And I want... so badly... for him to want to know me. Even if just a small friendship blooms from this, I want him to want it as much as I do. I want him to want the friendship to grow -- not even past the platonic stage, but just... so we could talk on the phone and hug in the hallway and be able to hang out together and create mutual friends...
I think, just knowing his name and having him learn and memorize mine, and be able to have a short 1-minute conversation in the hallways or afer gym, or sitting with him for a while during lunch, would satisfy me. Of course, if I enjoy his company immensely, I would want so badly for him to be more than a friend, because it would grow from the tiny seedlings of feelings I have for him now, but just being his friend would be enough. It would be more than "admiring" him from afar, certainly, and I would be happy. I would have to be.
I want to do an RP with exotic boys with dark skin like cooked chestnuts, and long swan-like necks with round oval shaped faces and almond-shaped eyes.
And long, dark, honey-colored legs with sinewy tendons like the roots of trees pulling at the earth. Golden and primal-colored bangles jingling at willowy wrists and ankles and piled high on necks like accordians. Long black hair held high by tribal ornaments of distinguished status, or let loose to flow freely or held back by a single thong of leather or hide.
The Sahara Desert in Africa.
The tiny villages deep in the rainforests of Brazil. People like monkeys within the trees of those forests; people like fish near the Amazon.
* * *
...Or a village in Asia.
Rice paddies and people in kimonos and muddy ankles with flat sandals.
And those flat, symmetrical, pretty Asian faces with their diamond-esque eyes that smolder brownish-black in the sun, and skin that reflects the light in a million shades of tan to peach to brown and gold.
I'm not meaning to be egotistic, but aren't those little rambles / spills of inspiration and creativity gorgeous? It was rather odd sharing them with someone I see everyday in real life, but no big deal, I suppose...
I'm only allowed on the computer for 60 minutes on the weekdays, because of my grades. *sighs* I need to get an RP journal, or make a simple little board, so I could post everyday, and receive posts everyday, and at least then I could be satisfied with my lack-of-creativity days...
Writing a story about a (homosexual) vampire -- too much Anne Rice & Edmund White -- whose creator is dying. Through out the story, he has to deal with the loss of his mentor, and find his own way of guiding the directions his life takes him. During this time, he wanders, and finds a "very beautiful, very lively, very gorgeous young woman who reminds me in so many different aspects of [insert creators' name here]". He befriends this mortal girl, and then realizes that he has fallen in love with her, but is afraid that expressing it to her will frighten her, as he is a vampire and she is still struggling to take in both the good and bad sides of him and his personality. His lack of ability to convey his emotion creates a kind of odd mental state, and he has slightly dark thoughts about "rape" (in a vampire sense: stealing her blood without her consent) and odd ways of desecration. And by odd, I don't mean morbid or perverted (in the "eww, pedophile!" way). I mean... neurotic...
So, he must then deal with his (obviously "unhealable") wound of losing his creator, his inexplicable and growing love for the girl, and the temptations of forcing her to be with him forever...
Yeah...
Did that make sense? It made sense to me.
Comment on the post below this one also. <3