sickness, frustrations, and questions.
This isn't gonna be one of my short and sweet ambiguous "she may mean one thing, but may mean another thing..." entries. To all those who are deeply affected by this, I apologize. Cause I'm sure you care.
Today wasn't easy. I started thinking about how I haven't felt "well" at some point during the day...gosh, who knows how long. At some point every day, I find myself fighting with a bout of nausea, fatigue, the feeling of my heart possibly trying to jump out of my chest, a headache, a cough, or anything else along these lines. I don't know what it is. I don't dare go to the doctor - I don't have health insurance. So please don't break my foot next time you see me. But anyway, I wish I could figure out what it is. It could be my workplace, considering i sit in the same spot for about 8 hours staring at a computer screen, and of course, it's a doctors office, so naturally, I am exposed to probably a great deal of germs a day. Breathing in all the yummy old building air probably isn't helping any, either. Or, maybe it's not that at all. Maybe I'm sick. Maybe I am dying. Maybe I have cancer. Maybe ex wasn't just joking everytime he said "it's cause you have cancer", trying to be "funny" everytime something trivial would happen. I guess that's just another reason to dislike him greatly...even more. Maybe I should just quit this job and find something else, just cause "oh, this job is making me sick, so I am going to give up a kind workplace with great people and nice experiences, and one heck of a nice paycheck every 2 weeks.", just cause I have a health issue, that I'm probably making up in my own head anyway. I think I'll keep the job, thanks. Heck, I'm getting my very own office soon anyway. But gosh, I'm bored.
I thought of something tonight. Something I'm surprised hadn't come up sooner. So, I've been living alone here for some time now, as I shall continue to, for who knows how long [and for reasons I will not place here on public livejournal. Most of you know anyway]. But, the holidays are quickly approaching. I was in my basement earlier tonight, and I looked at my Christmas tree, and remembered to myself "Oh yeah...am I going to be alone on christmas morning? Should I even put up that "K-Mart had one heck of a deal on fake trees that year" excuse for a christmas symbol? Will there even be anyone else here to admire it other than me? Of course. Mike will be over plenty before Christmastime, along with my friends, my mom from time to time, coworkers, etcetera. But still...do I even bother? It'll look awfully lonely, considering my family doesn't bring the prezzies until like...Christmas Eve. Whatever. That's not what matters. I'm not 12. Maybe it's the tree that'll be lonely. Maybe I'm just using that as a way to say I am the one that will be lonely. But hey! I shouldn't be! I won't be. I've got people in my heart. So they'll be with me...ghhheeeeyyyyyy.
I already asked one of my co-workers this today, but I'll put it here, too. Is there such a disease in which your brain produces too many questions/thoughts, and then your mind is swamped with all these questions and thoughts, to the point you just can't handle them, and want to gauge somebodys eyes out? heehee ::girly laughter:: That's just my way of saying "I think too much. I think waaaayyyyy too much." and this includes things I shouldn't even think of, ponder, worry about, or concern me. But yet...the thoughts linger. And sometimes I think, or know...that I can't easily talk about it. So, I won't. Anymore.
I wish it were Friday, so that lovely and I can pack up, and head to Newport already. I'm hoping this will be a nice time. Hoping...what? It will be a good time. There we go, Trace. I can't wait for this. I haven't been there in so long, and I am so glad I will be spending the time there with him. Now I just have to make it through the rest of this week. UGH I'm such a debbie downer. I've made it plenty of times before.
"Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring,
and I'm thinking awful things
I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment is starving for an argument
Anything at all to break the silence."
"Open wide, here it comes.
This prescription makes you perfect."
...then can I have that prescription, ABR?!
Today wasn't easy. I started thinking about how I haven't felt "well" at some point during the day...gosh, who knows how long. At some point every day, I find myself fighting with a bout of nausea, fatigue, the feeling of my heart possibly trying to jump out of my chest, a headache, a cough, or anything else along these lines. I don't know what it is. I don't dare go to the doctor - I don't have health insurance. So please don't break my foot next time you see me. But anyway, I wish I could figure out what it is. It could be my workplace, considering i sit in the same spot for about 8 hours staring at a computer screen, and of course, it's a doctors office, so naturally, I am exposed to probably a great deal of germs a day. Breathing in all the yummy old building air probably isn't helping any, either. Or, maybe it's not that at all. Maybe I'm sick. Maybe I am dying. Maybe I have cancer. Maybe ex wasn't just joking everytime he said "it's cause you have cancer", trying to be "funny" everytime something trivial would happen. I guess that's just another reason to dislike him greatly...even more. Maybe I should just quit this job and find something else, just cause "oh, this job is making me sick, so I am going to give up a kind workplace with great people and nice experiences, and one heck of a nice paycheck every 2 weeks.", just cause I have a health issue, that I'm probably making up in my own head anyway. I think I'll keep the job, thanks. Heck, I'm getting my very own office soon anyway. But gosh, I'm bored.
I thought of something tonight. Something I'm surprised hadn't come up sooner. So, I've been living alone here for some time now, as I shall continue to, for who knows how long [and for reasons I will not place here on public livejournal. Most of you know anyway]. But, the holidays are quickly approaching. I was in my basement earlier tonight, and I looked at my Christmas tree, and remembered to myself "Oh yeah...am I going to be alone on christmas morning? Should I even put up that "K-Mart had one heck of a deal on fake trees that year" excuse for a christmas symbol? Will there even be anyone else here to admire it other than me? Of course. Mike will be over plenty before Christmastime, along with my friends, my mom from time to time, coworkers, etcetera. But still...do I even bother? It'll look awfully lonely, considering my family doesn't bring the prezzies until like...Christmas Eve. Whatever. That's not what matters. I'm not 12. Maybe it's the tree that'll be lonely. Maybe I'm just using that as a way to say I am the one that will be lonely. But hey! I shouldn't be! I won't be. I've got people in my heart. So they'll be with me...ghhheeeeyyyyyy.
I already asked one of my co-workers this today, but I'll put it here, too. Is there such a disease in which your brain produces too many questions/thoughts, and then your mind is swamped with all these questions and thoughts, to the point you just can't handle them, and want to gauge somebodys eyes out? heehee ::girly laughter:: That's just my way of saying "I think too much. I think waaaayyyyy too much." and this includes things I shouldn't even think of, ponder, worry about, or concern me. But yet...the thoughts linger. And sometimes I think, or know...that I can't easily talk about it. So, I won't. Anymore.
I wish it were Friday, so that lovely and I can pack up, and head to Newport already. I'm hoping this will be a nice time. Hoping...what? It will be a good time. There we go, Trace. I can't wait for this. I haven't been there in so long, and I am so glad I will be spending the time there with him. Now I just have to make it through the rest of this week. UGH I'm such a debbie downer. I've made it plenty of times before.
"Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring,
and I'm thinking awful things
I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment is starving for an argument
Anything at all to break the silence."
"Open wide, here it comes.
This prescription makes you perfect."
...then can I have that prescription, ABR?!