(no subject)
kathleen and i bought some exotic food today at trader joes. gnocci and horseradish hummus and organic ice cream and grapes. not exotic so much as not so run-of-the-mill i guess. ian has a wonderful singing voice and for this is am "SO LUCKY" that he is my boyfriend. i still hate my job and am looking for a new one. i still hate my brain and am looking for a way out. i miss my dad and i put off finding financial aid for next year too long so now i will have none meaning i might not even go to school. fuck life working out how it should for good people. but maybe im not, maybe thats why. im trying to wear makeup every day now because it makes me feel better about myself and that fact alone makes me feel worse about myself. i miss amanda. i am 21 now and i feel super old and worthless and that nothing cool will ever happen again. i wonder sometimes if anything is happening for a reason anymore and this defeats everything i have believed in for the past 10 years. ive been watching a lot of movies lately- everything is illuminated is just great. "premium," i should say instead. i miss rachel, but i have also really liked all the alone time ive had over the past few weeks. having her back will be good though. girl laughter is great. my credit card bill was $400 last month and i have no idea why. i added every purchase up individually and it came out correct but it is still so fucking incorrect. my tuition remibursement was denied for this semester too so i'm out 2gs. whatever. money. the thing that has made me the most happy over the past week is ian hugging my waist and looking up at me with big eyes, he looks like a baby and its adorable. everything else is kind of blurry, or didnt matter at all. theres this word, "rut."