(no subject)
pretty much furious with myself at the moment
i became overwhelmed by a small situation which happened to remind me of something that happened last year
in this situation last year i realised that i was completely alone and could rely on no one but myself (because the person i was with said 'this is not my problem so im not going to help you'
ever since then, and since coming back home i told myself that i would never slip into the pattern where i let things get away from me
i would be totally idependent financially, socially, emotional etc etc etc
but i am somehow finding myself easily persuaded because i am enjoying being frivilous...fucking liberated!!
and depending on my mood this is either a positive or negative
things have never just come to me.....i always have to seek them out or work my arse off
i feel like i havent seen a good friend in ages
i feel like im behind in all my work and getting nothing that i aimed to do this year done
sure...other great things have happened....i totally agree
but when you are feeling vulnerable and some minor things go a bit shitty then pile up till they turn into a fucking catastrophe and im left to deal with my emotions for longer than i want to while having to put on a happy face then something is gonna rupture at some point
and then when it comes to that point it is so hard to explain where it all went wrong that im a blubbering mess and fucking embarassed with myself
i think one of my main aims was that i would take control of my emotions and not drag a second person (especially a partner) into my incoherent-ness
but what if they are the person unwillingly pushing you.....
i have to learn to say no
i dont trust myself enough sometimes...i DO KNOW what i have to do to sustain myself
its just getting harder now that another person is involved
some things that i am truly disappointed in though
>people who pride themselves on being 'the good guys' not giving a shit when you have a problem....and ontop of that making jokes as if thats gonna help me out
>feeling like im sacrificing effort and money and shit on people and getting shit in return
i think its time to become a hard arse again and just block all the shit out
i became overwhelmed by a small situation which happened to remind me of something that happened last year
in this situation last year i realised that i was completely alone and could rely on no one but myself (because the person i was with said 'this is not my problem so im not going to help you'
ever since then, and since coming back home i told myself that i would never slip into the pattern where i let things get away from me
i would be totally idependent financially, socially, emotional etc etc etc
but i am somehow finding myself easily persuaded because i am enjoying being frivilous...fucking liberated!!
and depending on my mood this is either a positive or negative
things have never just come to me.....i always have to seek them out or work my arse off
i feel like i havent seen a good friend in ages
i feel like im behind in all my work and getting nothing that i aimed to do this year done
sure...other great things have happened....i totally agree
but when you are feeling vulnerable and some minor things go a bit shitty then pile up till they turn into a fucking catastrophe and im left to deal with my emotions for longer than i want to while having to put on a happy face then something is gonna rupture at some point
and then when it comes to that point it is so hard to explain where it all went wrong that im a blubbering mess and fucking embarassed with myself
i think one of my main aims was that i would take control of my emotions and not drag a second person (especially a partner) into my incoherent-ness
but what if they are the person unwillingly pushing you.....
i have to learn to say no
i dont trust myself enough sometimes...i DO KNOW what i have to do to sustain myself
its just getting harder now that another person is involved
some things that i am truly disappointed in though
>people who pride themselves on being 'the good guys' not giving a shit when you have a problem....and ontop of that making jokes as if thats gonna help me out
>feeling like im sacrificing effort and money and shit on people and getting shit in return
i think its time to become a hard arse again and just block all the shit out