Now is not the time to abandon me...
I've been so off for the past week or so. Victoria's death is really getting to me. It doesn't even feel like it's been over a month. It's weird because I was holding up pretty well for the most part, right after the accident, but the realization that she's gone forever is sinking in too slowly, and painfully. I have been having dreams about her every single night, this week. In each dream, I've cried to the point of near-anxiety attack. Last night, I did that in real life. :(
This is primarily what's been bothering me, lately, but there have been a bunch of other things floating around, too, that have added to the misery. I won't get into all of that, now, as those topics have long been discussed and reappearing. However, I will say that on top of being sad, I've been kind of touchy. I admit it. I feel like I have so much piled on me right now, that I'm actively angry towards the things weighing me down...and I am not typically an angry person. My birthday and birthday party were super fun, and I sincerely had a good time. All this crap started happening after that.
The anger I mentioned was wrongly projected upon my family and a certain friend, and I apologize for that. I would like to say one thing, though: If you know me well enough, and we communicate on a fairly regular basis, it's pretty easy to tell when something is bothering me. Assuming that I consider you to be a close friend, I would think that you'd at least feel some inclination to comfort me or support me---especially in THIS situation, for goodness sakes. Death is something that I haven't had to deal with, too often in my lifetime. This mourning thing is new to me, it's scary as shit, and I don't know what to do with myself. As I've told you, "Friend," I've been trying to avoid keeping to myself when I'm upset because the results are usually unpleasant. Instead, I've been utilizing the support of others whom I can turn to in a time of need. Now, everyone knows that there's no hardcopy of what "friendship" entails, but there is a general understanding that support and love are free. People should be there for each other because they want to. There's no obligation. AND I have to point this out---I'm sorry, but I can't get over a certain something you said to me, in the context of my being upset over a death:
"i dunno, i don't see why a friendship has to be this much work to keep up. no offense or anything"
Wow, seriously?? Offense taken. My childhood friend died. Did you not quite get that part? All I wanted was to hang out. I just wanted to spend time with you to get my mind off of things and get out of the house. Nothing elaborate. Is that really so much to ask of a friend?? If so, you need to let me know when you changed the rules, or took back all the times you promised me that you'd "always be there" for me. News flash: People don't say things like, "I'm here if you ever need anything" because it sounds cool. They mean it. If you were misinformed of that fact, I'm terribly sorry that you can't understand the true workings of a solid interpersonal relationship. Even moreso, I'm REALLY sorry that my friendship with you feels like too much work. I'm sorry that I'm not worth enough to you, anymore, that you're willing to "work" for our friendship...
...because being there for someone when they're going through a rough time is SO MUCH WORK, right??
It's clear that this whole thing is upsetting to me. It's very upsetting. When I wake up in the morning, I will probably have calmed down significantly. I just had to get this out. The truth is that I hope you can see where you were mistaken, accept it, and join me in moving on from this nonsense. I told you---I hate this crap. Can we please forget about it all, and can you please find it in your heart---and schedule---to be a supportive and comforting friend? That's all I want... :(
This is primarily what's been bothering me, lately, but there have been a bunch of other things floating around, too, that have added to the misery. I won't get into all of that, now, as those topics have long been discussed and reappearing. However, I will say that on top of being sad, I've been kind of touchy. I admit it. I feel like I have so much piled on me right now, that I'm actively angry towards the things weighing me down...and I am not typically an angry person. My birthday and birthday party were super fun, and I sincerely had a good time. All this crap started happening after that.
The anger I mentioned was wrongly projected upon my family and a certain friend, and I apologize for that. I would like to say one thing, though: If you know me well enough, and we communicate on a fairly regular basis, it's pretty easy to tell when something is bothering me. Assuming that I consider you to be a close friend, I would think that you'd at least feel some inclination to comfort me or support me---especially in THIS situation, for goodness sakes. Death is something that I haven't had to deal with, too often in my lifetime. This mourning thing is new to me, it's scary as shit, and I don't know what to do with myself. As I've told you, "Friend," I've been trying to avoid keeping to myself when I'm upset because the results are usually unpleasant. Instead, I've been utilizing the support of others whom I can turn to in a time of need. Now, everyone knows that there's no hardcopy of what "friendship" entails, but there is a general understanding that support and love are free. People should be there for each other because they want to. There's no obligation. AND I have to point this out---I'm sorry, but I can't get over a certain something you said to me, in the context of my being upset over a death:
"i dunno, i don't see why a friendship has to be this much work to keep up. no offense or anything"
Wow, seriously?? Offense taken. My childhood friend died. Did you not quite get that part? All I wanted was to hang out. I just wanted to spend time with you to get my mind off of things and get out of the house. Nothing elaborate. Is that really so much to ask of a friend?? If so, you need to let me know when you changed the rules, or took back all the times you promised me that you'd "always be there" for me. News flash: People don't say things like, "I'm here if you ever need anything" because it sounds cool. They mean it. If you were misinformed of that fact, I'm terribly sorry that you can't understand the true workings of a solid interpersonal relationship. Even moreso, I'm REALLY sorry that my friendship with you feels like too much work. I'm sorry that I'm not worth enough to you, anymore, that you're willing to "work" for our friendship...
...because being there for someone when they're going through a rough time is SO MUCH WORK, right??
It's clear that this whole thing is upsetting to me. It's very upsetting. When I wake up in the morning, I will probably have calmed down significantly. I just had to get this out. The truth is that I hope you can see where you were mistaken, accept it, and join me in moving on from this nonsense. I told you---I hate this crap. Can we please forget about it all, and can you please find it in your heart---and schedule---to be a supportive and comforting friend? That's all I want... :(