"When you get to the end you start to realize what's important to you. Who really matters to you."
It's quickly coming up on a year since I moved to the city. It seems with this year mark comes stresses and challenges I didn't think I'd have to face.
The most obvious I suppose is the decision to not renew the lease on the apartment. I've known for about 5 months now that when the opportunity to move came I was going to take it. I currently spend 20 hours a week going to and from work. That's half of my supposed work week, and is ridiculous. For that reason alone I am determined to move closer, which for me generally means Manhattan. For me this really isn't a hard decision, I mean I love our apt. and the area and the fact that Jordan is so close, but in the end I have to think about myself. And I'm sick of coming home from work tired/aggravated/upset mostly because of the damn commute. I don't feel like myself, even if we go out and do something in Manhattan after work, as soon as it gets late enough all I can think about is the fact that I'm only going to get about 4 or so hours of sleep before I have to get up and get ready to leave for work and then I get in a bad mood. It's maddening, and it's not fair to Kristen or whoever we're with. The problem is Kristen really really likes it here, and doesn't want to leave or spend more money, which we would inevitably have to in Manhattan. We both agree we have to sit down and talk about it, and neither of us really wants to lose the other as a roommate since I know this has been the best living situation I've ever been in with someone who isn't my family. There is the possibility that we could live with other people to try and bring the rent cost down, but I'm worried that throwing anyone else into the mix is just going to throw off the nice living balance we have. I'm not sure. Bottom line, I am moving closer to work. I guess we'll just have to see how the logistics pan out.
On the boy front, there's really not much to tell. Millions of people in New York and I really haven't met much of anyone that could be considered boyfriend potential. I guess that's to be somewhat expected when you work almost 10 hour days on a somewhat regular basis. Not that I need a man in my life, lord knows that is not the case, but still it would be nice to have something to show for my year of being here other than a few phone numbers I'll never use and an ex that I continually allow to mess with my head. The ex is no onenew, he entered my life when I was 16 and hasn't ever truly left since. Earlier this year he earned the nickname SOFT (thanks Jordan!) and those closest to me know what it stands for. But here it is June and I haven't talked to him, truly talked to him, since his birthday on February 11th. If you want to know why you'll have to ask him, because I honestly haven't a clue. For a while I just took it in stride, we tend to go through these phases where he disappears and then a few months later I'll get a random text and we'll start talking again. I don't know that it's ever been this long though, maybe when we were broken up and dating other people in college, but even then we'd have a random conversation every now and then. It would be misleading of me to say that I think about him all the time. I don't, my life here is busy and I have plenty of things on my mind at all times that I'm not sitting around pining for him. Not the pathetic lump I was a year ago when we were in this phase. But still, it's just bizarre, and part of me wishes I could just let go of it all completely. I did call him today, I figured if he answered and had time maybe this time I'd start us talking again. But he didn't and I didn't leave a message, because I guess I was really just calling to say hi. Most likely he won't call me back. I'm not expecting him to, anyway. I suppose this is the part where someone tells me he's just not that into me.
It's been 8 months since my Aunt was diagnosed with cancer for the third time in her life. I guess when they gave her the results back in November they gave her 8 to 12 months to live. Now that we're at the 8 month mark they've stopped giving her chemo, as her cancer has spread to her pelvic bone and her thighs. At this point they're just going to keep giving her medication for the pain, and in a few weeks all she'll really do is sleep most of the time. My mom says she has a hospital bed in her living room, but that she is still very lucid and talks and laughs an everything. Mom told me a week ago that they don't think she has much longer to go. Against my better judgement I have gone on to block my feelings about this. I guess you could say I'm in denial. I generally try not to think about it and it hasn't really set in that she's really going. I'm trying to get the courage to fly out there and see her some weekend when my mom is out ther too. A big part of me really wants to be able to say goodbye, something I didn't do with my Uncle. The thought of it really scares me, but I don't want the same thing to happen with her that I let happen with my Uncle. While his death was a complete surprise to us all, I could've been there the weekend before he had the heart attack. Instead I chose to be at school with my friends. I don't want that to be the case with her. I feel like I owe it to the both of them to say goodbye. I'm just really really bad with goodbyes. I don't know what to do.
I guess that's all for now. I suppose it's enough.
The most obvious I suppose is the decision to not renew the lease on the apartment. I've known for about 5 months now that when the opportunity to move came I was going to take it. I currently spend 20 hours a week going to and from work. That's half of my supposed work week, and is ridiculous. For that reason alone I am determined to move closer, which for me generally means Manhattan. For me this really isn't a hard decision, I mean I love our apt. and the area and the fact that Jordan is so close, but in the end I have to think about myself. And I'm sick of coming home from work tired/aggravated/upset mostly because of the damn commute. I don't feel like myself, even if we go out and do something in Manhattan after work, as soon as it gets late enough all I can think about is the fact that I'm only going to get about 4 or so hours of sleep before I have to get up and get ready to leave for work and then I get in a bad mood. It's maddening, and it's not fair to Kristen or whoever we're with. The problem is Kristen really really likes it here, and doesn't want to leave or spend more money, which we would inevitably have to in Manhattan. We both agree we have to sit down and talk about it, and neither of us really wants to lose the other as a roommate since I know this has been the best living situation I've ever been in with someone who isn't my family. There is the possibility that we could live with other people to try and bring the rent cost down, but I'm worried that throwing anyone else into the mix is just going to throw off the nice living balance we have. I'm not sure. Bottom line, I am moving closer to work. I guess we'll just have to see how the logistics pan out.
On the boy front, there's really not much to tell. Millions of people in New York and I really haven't met much of anyone that could be considered boyfriend potential. I guess that's to be somewhat expected when you work almost 10 hour days on a somewhat regular basis. Not that I need a man in my life, lord knows that is not the case, but still it would be nice to have something to show for my year of being here other than a few phone numbers I'll never use and an ex that I continually allow to mess with my head. The ex is no onenew, he entered my life when I was 16 and hasn't ever truly left since. Earlier this year he earned the nickname SOFT (thanks Jordan!) and those closest to me know what it stands for. But here it is June and I haven't talked to him, truly talked to him, since his birthday on February 11th. If you want to know why you'll have to ask him, because I honestly haven't a clue. For a while I just took it in stride, we tend to go through these phases where he disappears and then a few months later I'll get a random text and we'll start talking again. I don't know that it's ever been this long though, maybe when we were broken up and dating other people in college, but even then we'd have a random conversation every now and then. It would be misleading of me to say that I think about him all the time. I don't, my life here is busy and I have plenty of things on my mind at all times that I'm not sitting around pining for him. Not the pathetic lump I was a year ago when we were in this phase. But still, it's just bizarre, and part of me wishes I could just let go of it all completely. I did call him today, I figured if he answered and had time maybe this time I'd start us talking again. But he didn't and I didn't leave a message, because I guess I was really just calling to say hi. Most likely he won't call me back. I'm not expecting him to, anyway. I suppose this is the part where someone tells me he's just not that into me.
It's been 8 months since my Aunt was diagnosed with cancer for the third time in her life. I guess when they gave her the results back in November they gave her 8 to 12 months to live. Now that we're at the 8 month mark they've stopped giving her chemo, as her cancer has spread to her pelvic bone and her thighs. At this point they're just going to keep giving her medication for the pain, and in a few weeks all she'll really do is sleep most of the time. My mom says she has a hospital bed in her living room, but that she is still very lucid and talks and laughs an everything. Mom told me a week ago that they don't think she has much longer to go. Against my better judgement I have gone on to block my feelings about this. I guess you could say I'm in denial. I generally try not to think about it and it hasn't really set in that she's really going. I'm trying to get the courage to fly out there and see her some weekend when my mom is out ther too. A big part of me really wants to be able to say goodbye, something I didn't do with my Uncle. The thought of it really scares me, but I don't want the same thing to happen with her that I let happen with my Uncle. While his death was a complete surprise to us all, I could've been there the weekend before he had the heart attack. Instead I chose to be at school with my friends. I don't want that to be the case with her. I feel like I owe it to the both of them to say goodbye. I'm just really really bad with goodbyes. I don't know what to do.
I guess that's all for now. I suppose it's enough.