im not going to be a nurse...
alright. i have an apology to make.
im sorry ive been so fake these past two months. i know that when i get like that i can be overbearing... trying to prove to people that nothing's wrong...when in fact there is something major wrong... and i know how annoying i can get.
the truth is... im not happy. i haven't been since july. since after florida. when im not happy, i try and make it seem like i am, and i overdo it. im sorry. i didn't know what was wrong with me. i prayed about it and prayed about it, but still, nothing made sense. it was like i was wrestling with God and of course, losing badly. i think my biggest fear was that if i gave up wrestling Him, the ground bottoming hit would hurt like none other... but what i didn't realize was that i was wasting my time and energy... He's there to pin me down when i need to be, and i need to realize that He's the one thats going to be there right beside me to help me back on my feet. ive cried more these past two months more than i think i have ever. the only way i can really explain how i feel is like this... and it sounds stupid, and i know some of you will laugh... but its like this... you know the scene in wedding crashers where claire and her father are picking out her flowers for her wedding, and shes trying so hard not to break right there? thats it. i feel like im drowning, and no one knows it.
something that keeps ringing in my head also is something that was said a long time ago... that day that we had the johnny depp movie night when ms katie lackey first came out. i was on the phone with brandon and i told him about our crazy day.. and how i left my wallet and got banned to the back seat because i hadn't slept... and...
me: yeah i haven't slept in 26 hours!
brandon:are you SURE this is your calling? is this really what the Lord wants you to do?
me:...yes...
no. i wasn't sure. its funny how God uses people in your life to tell you things... that question has been haunting me ever since. THANKS A LOT! jk. no seriously... thank you.
so i don't know what im going to do now... i might go back to Target for now... and get into the cosmetology school... i have to go and talk to Diana. the people there don't understand what it does to me when they say "oh we all miss you so much!" "we talk about you all the time!" GAHH!! it hurts. i really miss it. i miss ANARRA! and mine and maryann's field trips to the back room... and to get boxes... and mine, brandon, and jamies adventures to starbucks... or taking defects and hangers back... good times. i miss actually caring about what i did. i know it sounds stupid because its just target, but i had FUN there. it was a fun place to work. i have to be so serious here... i CAN'T BE MYSELF! I HAVEN'T BEEN MYSELF FOR TWO MONTHS.... i miss my true self... where i didn't have to put on a happy face... it was just there...
EDIT: okay so im not REALLY going to go back to target. i can't go back to 5 days a week after getting a taste of 3. it was just wishful thinking. :)
and another thing... i can actually see myself as a cosmetologist... and they make the same money as nurses...
im sorry ive been so fake these past two months. i know that when i get like that i can be overbearing... trying to prove to people that nothing's wrong...when in fact there is something major wrong... and i know how annoying i can get.
the truth is... im not happy. i haven't been since july. since after florida. when im not happy, i try and make it seem like i am, and i overdo it. im sorry. i didn't know what was wrong with me. i prayed about it and prayed about it, but still, nothing made sense. it was like i was wrestling with God and of course, losing badly. i think my biggest fear was that if i gave up wrestling Him, the ground bottoming hit would hurt like none other... but what i didn't realize was that i was wasting my time and energy... He's there to pin me down when i need to be, and i need to realize that He's the one thats going to be there right beside me to help me back on my feet. ive cried more these past two months more than i think i have ever. the only way i can really explain how i feel is like this... and it sounds stupid, and i know some of you will laugh... but its like this... you know the scene in wedding crashers where claire and her father are picking out her flowers for her wedding, and shes trying so hard not to break right there? thats it. i feel like im drowning, and no one knows it.
something that keeps ringing in my head also is something that was said a long time ago... that day that we had the johnny depp movie night when ms katie lackey first came out. i was on the phone with brandon and i told him about our crazy day.. and how i left my wallet and got banned to the back seat because i hadn't slept... and...
me: yeah i haven't slept in 26 hours!
brandon:are you SURE this is your calling? is this really what the Lord wants you to do?
me:...yes...
no. i wasn't sure. its funny how God uses people in your life to tell you things... that question has been haunting me ever since. THANKS A LOT! jk. no seriously... thank you.
so i don't know what im going to do now... i might go back to Target for now... and get into the cosmetology school... i have to go and talk to Diana. the people there don't understand what it does to me when they say "oh we all miss you so much!" "we talk about you all the time!" GAHH!! it hurts. i really miss it. i miss ANARRA! and mine and maryann's field trips to the back room... and to get boxes... and mine, brandon, and jamies adventures to starbucks... or taking defects and hangers back... good times. i miss actually caring about what i did. i know it sounds stupid because its just target, but i had FUN there. it was a fun place to work. i have to be so serious here... i CAN'T BE MYSELF! I HAVEN'T BEEN MYSELF FOR TWO MONTHS.... i miss my true self... where i didn't have to put on a happy face... it was just there...
EDIT: okay so im not REALLY going to go back to target. i can't go back to 5 days a week after getting a taste of 3. it was just wishful thinking. :)
and another thing... i can actually see myself as a cosmetologist... and they make the same money as nurses...